Question:
For some reason my mind went back to highschool graduation today and this song came out. Let's see some tearing. I have a crummy sounding demo that I'll post tomorrow so you can get an idea what it sounds like.
Farewell (I Guess)
I'll sign your yearbook page
Even though I don't even know your name
Who knows: maybe I'll be famous someday
I'll never see you again
I'm sorry that we were never friends
But for now let's just pretend
[chorus]
This is the end but we don't even remember how it began
We just did what we had to do
We never wondered why we never thought it through
(repeat)
I'm indifferent to the times we shared
I don't even remember if I was there at all
I guess I'll pretend to care
Goodbye to all the memories
I don't ever want to see this place again
And I hope it's not just me
[chorus]
Answer:
I'll sign your yearbook page
Even though I don't even know your name
Who knows: maybe I'll be famous someday
I'll never see you again
I'm sorry that we were never friends
But for now let's just pretend I think you do a good job capturing the general feeling here, but something about it seems a little blunt or simplistic, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, it just struck me as different from what you normally write.
This is the end but we don't even remember how it began
We just did what we had to do
We never wondered why we never thought it through I'm not sure why, but I'm getting a little bit of a thrown-together feel from this, like it doesn't have much work or polish to it, although you make your point very clearly, and that's a plus. Again, I'm not sure what exactly I'd change, but something just feels a little off.
I'm indifferent to the times we shared
I don't even remember if I was there at all
I guess I'll pretend to care
Goodbye to all the memories
I don't ever want to see this place again
And I hope it's not just me This verse keeps the spirit of the song very well, except maybe the last line, which seems somewhat off-topic, or maybe I'm wrong, seeing as I haven't graduated, and thus wouldn't exactly understand what you're saying. I think, as I seem to a lot, that a few well-placed modifiers might spruce this verse up a little bit, although, since I just scrolled up to read it again, "Goodbye to all the memories is starting to seem a little bit like a non-sequitor, followed by another only loosely-related thought.
In general, I couldn't really point out any sub-par writing or errors in style, but for some reason, I'm just not liking it as much as I tend to like your songs, so I guess you should take my RC with a grain of salt, because it's totally possible that it's a brilliant song that just happened to strike me wrong.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Small I think you do a good job capturing the general feeling here, but something about it seems a little blunt or simplistic, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, it just struck me as different from what you normally write. A little blunt, yes. I agree. I'm not really using much imagery here. Not sure if it's a bad thing in this song or not...
I'm not sure why, but I'm getting a little bit of a thrown-together feel from this, like it doesn't have much work or polish to it, although you make your point very clearly, and that's a plus. Again, I'm not sure what exactly I'd change, but something just feels a little off. Hmm...maybe this one would make more sense when you hear it, though the rhythm's a little off in the crummy recording I made.
This verse keeps the spirit of the song very well, except maybe the last line, which seems somewhat off-topic, or maybe I'm wrong, seeing as I haven't graduated, and thus wouldn't exactly understand what you're saying. I think, as I seem to a lot, that a few well-placed modifiers might spruce this verse up a little bit, although, since I just scrolled up to read it again, "Goodbye to all the memories is starting to seem a little bit like a non-sequitor, followed by another only loosely-related thought. I'm not at all happy with the latter half of this verse, which was just thrown together far too quickly just before I recorded it. So, this verse will probably change a lot. "Goodbye to all the memories" is a crap line; it'll be gone soon.
In general, I couldn't really point out any sub-par writing or errors in style, but for some reason, I'm just not liking it as much as I tend to like your songs, so I guess you should take my RC with a grain of salt, because it's totally possible that it's a brilliant song that just happened to strike me wrong. No, I completely see where you're coming from and I agree with your critique. It's not what I usually write (which is okay) so it's a little rough (which isn't). The second verse definitely needs a lot of work and I'm wondering if it should have a bridge or not...
Thank you very much for your critique. It definitely helped.