Question:
This one has been a long time coming, and I'm still not entirely satisfied with it, but I guess you guys can be the judge:
Your Money where Your Mouth is
You are a laser beam
Aimed with uncanny precision
Your voice ricochets through my head
Like in an empty glass prism
And I love you enough
To tell you I wish it would end
You’re wearing your hair up these days
And never looked more expensive
Talking just to hear your own voice
Everyone drops everything to listen
A beautiful car wreck, they can't help but stare
Even with ears being filled with hot air
And you say that you know what love is
Then shut up and put your money where your mouth is
Crawl out of the hole that you talked yourself in
Just Collapse like a meteorite
You’ll nosedive straight into the dirt
Then you’ll cry and you’ll scream
Something mean or something worse
And it’ll dawn on you with the sun
Loveliness has nothing to do with love
You count everyone’s blessings
Like most people count out dollar bills
Give while the glory’s still enticing
And charity gives off a thrill
Get away in your dad's polished car
Pool party in someone's backyard
An entrance for all your cool friends
Waving and wading at the shallow end
And you say that you know what love is
Then shut up and put your money where your mouth is
Crawl out of the hole that you talked yourself in
Just Collapse like a meteorite
You’ll nosedive straight into the dirt
Then you’ll cry and you’ll scream
Something mean or something worse
And it’ll dawn on you with the sun
Loveliness has nothing to do with love
Spray painted heart of gold and rose lens in your glasses
It’s not vanity you swear; it’s just the latest fashion
Saying you care, that’s not compassion
It takes a reaching hand, a worthwhile action
You’re pretty to a fault
Sinning through your skin
Gravity takes effect
And my dear you shall fall
So hard on your face
In front of everyone
And no one around
To help you clean up all the blood
And you say that you know what love is
Well shut up and put your money where your mouth is
Just shut up and put your money where your mouth is
Just shut up
Answer:

I thought you weren't going to post another song until nominations closed....
Because your songs always eat everybody else's alive, and this is no different...
Line-by-line at a later time.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Small
I thought you weren't going to post another song until nominations closed.... I believe the August nominations were suppose to end with...umm....August. It's not my fault if the mods don't have time to get with the program
Answer:
You are a laser beam
Aimed with uncanny precision
Your voice ricochets through my head
Like in an empty glass prism
And I love you enough
To tell you I wish it would end A good way to start, my only complaint is that it's a touch ambiguous, and that the last line seems a little bit awkward.
You’re wearing your hair up these days
And never looked more expensive
Talking just to hear your own voice
Everyone drops everything to listen
A beautiful car wreck, they can't help but stare
Even with ears being filled with hot air This bit is not nearly as good as the first one, it continues your thoughts, but it could be a little more stark, like the first part, this one starts off nicely, and the last line is good, but in the middle things get a tad cliche, especially 'a beautiful car wreck, they can't help but stare" feels like a few other lines about 'beautiful" bad stuff.
And on the last line, I think you should try something like "Even with ears being filled by hot air.' the repeated "with"s don't help you along very well.
And you say that you know what love is
Then shut up and put your money where your mouth is
Crawl out of the hole that you talked yourself in
Just Collapse like a meteorite
You’ll nosedive straight into the dirt
Then you’ll cry and you’ll scream
Something mean or something worse
And it’ll dawn on you with the sun
Loveliness has nothing to do with love The first two lines do a beautiful job of saying what you're trying to say. The other lines just finish your point until the last line restates it like the ending of an essay. Brilliant, but a tad on the long side.
You count everyone’s blessings
Like most people count out dollar bills
Give while the glory’s still enticing
And charity gives off a thrill
Get away in your dad's polished car
Pool party in someone's backyard
An entrance for all your cool friends
Waving and wading at the shallow end Ah, another good verse. I like this a lot, the symbolism is strong, especially at the end, the first lines don't seem to add up completely with the rest, but maybe that's just me. And "someone's" backyard seems a little, and I stress a little bit out of sync.
Spray painted heart of gold and rose lens in your glasses
It’s not vanity you swear; it’s just the latest fashion
Saying you care, that’s not compassion
It takes a reaching hand, a worthwhile action I like this, although I admit, as usual, I keep missing a little bite of the meaning behind this all, namely what the continual references to charity, giving and whatnot are about, but once you tell me, if you tell me, I'll be humiliated...*sigh*
You’re pretty to a fault
Sinning through your skin
Gravity takes effect
And my dear you shall fall
So hard on your face
In front of everyone
And no one around
To help you clean up all the blood I like the connection between everyone watching, and no one there to help her clean up the blood. The whole thing almost adds bitter humor. Really bitter humor, but 'so hard on your face' makes me giggle.
You are a laser beam
Aimed with uncanny precision
Your voice ricochets through my head
Like in an empty glass prism
And I love you enough
To tell you I wish it would end no comment.
And you say that you know what love is
Well shut up and put your money where your mouth is
Just shut up and put your money where your mouth is
Just shut up Nice Outro.
Overall a very solid effort, and garunteed to eat up all the other songs nominated for "best song."
Answer:
Originally Posted by Small This bit is not nearly as good as the first one, it continues your thoughts, but it could be a little more stark, like the first part, this one starts off nicely, and the last line is good, but in the middle things get a tad cliche, especially 'a beautiful car wreck, they can't help but stare" feels like a few other lines about 'beautiful" bad stuff. To be honest, I'm really not satisfied with either one of the verses. I had the first two lines of both written in stone for a while and then just pieced the rest together. I'll definately try to clean up all of the clicheness whenver I get the chance.
The first two lines do a beautiful job of saying what you're trying to say. The other lines just finish your point until the last line restates it like the ending of an essay. Brilliant, but a tad on the long side. Yes, it looks pretty long for a chorus, but looks can be deceiving, heh heh. If I can ever get to a piano to work on the music, I think it should flow pretty nicely.
Ah, another good verse. I like this a lot, the symbolism is strong, especially at the end, the first lines don't seem to add up completely with the rest, but maybe that's just me. And "someone's" backyard seems a little, and I stress a little bit out of sync. All noted. The first two lines are talking about how she listens to what other people are sharing with her but she doesn't really care. Kind of like how you just casually flip through your wallet for money. Though that may not be conveyed very well, and you may be right in that it doesn't connect very well with the rest of the verse. Like I said, this part is still "techniquely" a work in progress.
I like this, although I admit, as usual, I keep missing a little bite of the meaning behind this all, namely what the continual references to charity, giving and whatnot are about, but once you tell me, if you tell me, I'll be humiliated...*sigh* The whole song is basically about someone who looks like they're doing everything right (hence the charity reference, the shallow friends, etc.), even to the point where they're thinking a little too much of themselves (hence the chorus and title). This part in particular is talking about how just because she looks like she's doing the right things, it doesn't mean that she has the right motivations or even has a clue how to really "love" people.
Still lost or have I successfully humiliated you?
I like the connection between everyone watching, and no one there to help her clean up the blood. The whole thing almost adds bitter humor. Really bitter humor, but 'so hard on your face' makes me giggle. Glad to hear you enjoyed this part. Especially since the whole song pratically grew around it.
Overall a very solid effort, and garunteed to eat up all the other songs nominated for "best song." I still think there's some tough competition now that there's a combined Aug/Sept thread, but I really appreciate the RC man. Thanks again!
Answer:
Originally Posted by SupaNova The whole song is basically about someone who looks like they're doing everything right (hence the charity reference, the shallow friends, etc.), even to the point where they're thinking a little too much of themselves (hence the chorus and title). This part in particular is talking about how just because she looks like she's doing the right things, it doesn't mean that she has the right motivations or even has a clue how to really "love" people I was more referencing that charity specifically cropped up enough that I thought it was a sub-theme. Whereas I caught the basic gist of what you explained when I read the song, a few things weren't quite cleared up.
Answer:
Does anyone else have some enlightening comments?
Answer:
Originally Posted by SupaNova Does anyone else have some enlightening comments? Here I go.
You are a laser beam
Aimed with uncanny precision
Your voice ricochets through my head
Like in an empty glass prism
And I love you enough
To tell you I wish it would end This is a great start. The image of the laser beam bouncing inside the glass prism is solid (ha!). Not sure about the last two lines. They're a little bit weaker than the rest.
You’re wearing your hair up these days
And never looked more expensive
Talking just to hear your own voice
Everyone drops everything to listen
A beautiful car wreck, they can't help but stare
Even with ears being filled with hot air This is good stuff, though the last line feels a bit awkward. The "hot air" thing is cliché, but it's also the worst kind of cliché: one that doesn't make much sense. I can't help but think that you can do better with that line.
And you say that you know what love is
Then shut up and put your money where your mouth is Ha! Yes!
Crawl out of the hole that you talked yourself in
Just Collapse like a meteorite
You’ll nosedive straight into the dirt I don't know about meteorites collapsing. Also, these lines feel like they would be better in a different order. Meteorites, nosedive into the dirt, then crawl out of the hole. That just makes sense to me.
Then you’ll cry and you’ll scream
Something mean or something worse
And it’ll dawn on you with the sun
Loveliness has nothing to do with love This last line is fantastic and has the potential to be a great hook.
You count everyone’s blessings
Like most people count out dollar bills
Give while the glory’s still enticing
And charity gives off a thrill These are some nice lines.
Get away in your dad's polished car
Pool party in someone's backyard
An entrance for all your cool friends
Waving and wading at the shallow end Last line really sums it all up. Great stuff.
Spray painted heart of gold and rose lens in your glasses
It’s not vanity you swear; it’s just the latest fashion
Saying you care, that’s not compassion
It takes a reaching hand, a worthwhile action I like these lines a lot as well. Solid and concrete.
You’re pretty to a fault
Sinning through your skin
Gravity takes effect
And my dear you shall fall
So hard on your face
In front of everyone
And no one around
To help you clean up all the blood The violent blood imagery seems unnecessary in my mind. I like the lead-up, but I'm getting tired of hearing about blood in songs...not really your fault of course...
And you say that you know what love is
Well shut up and put your money where your mouth is
Just shut up and put your money where your mouth is
Just shut up Nice little tag on the end. I like it, and I can see the song ending right on the "shut up". Effective.
All in all, this is a great song. With a little work on a few lines here and there, this could be fantastic.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter This is a great start. The image of the laser beam bouncing inside the glass prism is solid (ha!). Not sure about the last two lines. They're a little bit weaker than the rest. The last two lines are just suppose to be a segue into the rest of the song. Not that great, but I'll probably stick with them.
This is good stuff, though the last line feels a bit awkward. The "hot air" thing is cliché, but it's also the worst kind of cliché: one that doesn't make much sense. I can't help but think that you can do better with that line. I'm not satisfied with either of the verses yet. I've pretty much started over on this verse and reworded the second one a little bit. Hopefully I'll put up an editied version sometime soon.
I don't know about meteorites collapsing. Also, these lines feel like they would be better in a different order. Meteorites, nosedive into the dirt, then crawl out of the hole. That just makes sense to me. My main concern with rearranging lines is that would throw off the rhyme scheme. You brought up a valid point though, and I've tried to reword one of the lines so that it makes a little more sense.
The violent blood imagery seems unnecessary in my mind. I like the lead-up, but I'm getting tired of hearing about blood in songs...not really your fault of course... I understand completely about the overuse of bloody lyrics, but oh well. You can't keep a good cliche down I guess.
All in all, this is a great song. With a little work on a few lines here and there, this could be fantastic. Thanks man, appreciated as always.