Question:
Well the title I hope to be much more intriguing, I just tossed it a generic name.
Verse I:
I'm sick of this pretty pain,
Come pick me up in your mustang,
I'm dying faster,
The clock is slowly spinning,
The light is gently fading,
Whispering sweetly of tasteful irony,
But is this just another letdown?
The candles quietly burning,
It's slowly, painfully dripping,
My heart is all burnt out,
I'm left alone to doubt,
Chorus:
Everythings happening to slowly for me to comprehend,
Will I survive this night,
Cat's may have nine lives but I've only got one,
And it's falling apart,
Verse II:
Tossing and turning,
This silence is disturbing,
My mind is screaming,
My heart is softly crying,
I want to run around the world,
Anything but to lie here curled,
Aching to tell the world of what I feel,
I'm drinking up my venom,
My stomach is so terribly sick,
My sweat is all too thick,
I'm living off a twisted dream,
Drinking of my poison like a beautiful stream,
Bridge:
Maybe my memories will save me.
Crawling around trying desperately to remember,
What fate has tossed in my face,
It's all I can do to try and debate,
And all I can do is scream the night away,
Hoping that my shouts will save me,
Trying to let this pain escape me,
I'm burning out,
THAT WAS MY FIRST VERSION.
Here's my edited version:
Better?
Verse I:
I'm sick of this pretty pain,
Come pick me up in your mustang, baby,
This night has suddenly become disaster,
I'm slowly, simply, dying faster,
The clock turns over once again,
The light is gently fading, 'til who knows when,
Whispering tastefully of sweet irony,
But is this just another letdown?
The candles up on the tabletop,
Painfully slowly dripping until they stop,
My heart is all burnt out,
I'm all alone left to doubt,
Chorus:
Everythings happening to slowly for me to comprehend,
Will I survive this night,
Cat's may have nine lives but I've only got one,
And it's falling apart,
Verse II:
Tossing and turning,
This endless silence disturbing,
My mind is screaming,
And my heart is softly crying,
I want to run all over this world,
Anything but to lie here curled,
Up in a ball escaping the cold,
I'm drinking up my venom,
My stomach is so terribly sick,
My sweat is all too thick,
I'm living off a twisted dream,
Drinking of my poison like a beautiful stream,
I didn't change the chorus any..
The song is not meant to be sung like a simple punk song..
It's not supposed to be like,
1-2-3
1-2-3
It's not all simple, words spoken at the exact same time. So don't worry about that.
Answer:
pretty good. sounds like it would be a good Terminal song. one thing I would change is the second line in the first verse. otherwise, me likey.
Answer:
I don't have a line-by-line right now, but I can tell it's a first draft, I think you could definitely improve some things, add a little bit of clarity here and there, and mainly make it better. I like the chorus, but the verses definitely need some work.
Answer:
Ok, I made some changes.
Answer:
I don't like the second verse. But, it's great aside from that.
Answer:
Thank you. I really enjoy the first verse.
But the beginning of the second verse I especially am not happy with.
(I haven't really revised the second one yet)
I will get to work on it.
Answer:
Originally Posted by natedawg5280 Verse I:
I'm sick of this pretty pain,
Come pick me up in your mustang, baby, I'm not sure where the "mustang" comes in as you don't use any other car imagery in the song...
This night has suddenly become disaster,
I'm slowly, simply, dying faster,
The clock turns over once again,
The light is gently fading, 'til who knows when,
Whispering tastefully of sweet irony,
But is this just another letdown?
The candles up on the tabletop,
Painfully slowly dripping until they stop,
My heart is all burnt out,
I'm all alone left to doubt, Good stuff. I especially like the first two lines here. The only issue I would take here is the use of fast and slow.
Chorus:
Everythings happening too slowly for me to comprehend,
Will I survive this night,
Cat's may have nine lives but I've only got one,
And it's falling apart, Decent chorus. I can see it working fairly well.
Verse II:
Tossing and turning,
This endless silence disturbing,
My mind is screaming,
And my heart is softly crying,
I want to run all over this world,
Anything but to lie here curled,
Up in a ball escaping the cold,
I'm drinking up my venom,
My stomach is so terribly sick,
My sweat is all too thick,
I'm living off a twisted dream,
Drinking of my poison like a beautiful stream, This second verse isn't as strong as the first, though it's not that bad. It's good but there's nothing jumping out as great.
You've got something pretty good here, though I think it could be improved a little.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter I'm not sure where the "mustang" comes in as you don't use any other car imagery in the song... I dunno.. I wasn't really going anywhere with it.. just stuck it in for a semi-rhyme.
Originally Posted by Skeeter Good stuff. I especially like the first two lines here. The only issue I would take here is the use of fast and slow. Well it seems like in many songs, contradictions seem to work where they shouldn't. Should I change it? Knock it out?
Originally Posted by Skeeter Decent chorus. I can see it working fairly well.
Originally Posted by Skeeter This second verse isn't as strong as the first, though it's not that bad. It's good but there's nothing jumping out as great. Yeah, I'm thinking up some more changes for this. But I think the first one is done. I don't like to wack up my stuff too much. Try not to lose my ideas.
Originally Posted by Skeeter You've got something pretty good here, though I think it could be improved a little. Thanks, especially. RC's are great.
I look forward to working more on it. I will get to work on the second verse.
Answer:
Originally Posted by natedawg5280 I dunno.. I wasn't really going anywhere with it.. just stuck it in for a semi-rhyme.
Not a good idea. Forced rhymes sound dumb and confuse the listener. You did the same in the second verse:
Originally Posted by natedawg5280 "I want to run all over this world,
Anything but to lie here curled,
Up in a ball escaping the cold,"
It sounds like a bad rap song, cutting off at 'curled' and continuing the phrase in the next line. It might work if the music fits it, so I'd have to hear it, but it looks majorly forced for the sake of the rhyme. As everyone else has said, the first verse is much stronger. Other than that I really like it, just revise that second verse a little and it'll be awesome!