Question:
Here's a song I found that I had started a while ago, and I finished now. Ignore the rythm, since it works with the song, any other advice would be great.
You said "come with me, now, we're taking a ride
we'll see all the beauty in the countryside"
Things seemed perfect as if nothing had ever died
But immortality was not to be found on this ride
In your entire life you never felt so alive
Driving at a speed of 75
You both looked out and saw the whole world thrive
Such a great day to be alive

Time is something you never love until it's gone
Say goodbye now, though I know it's not ever fun
Age is coming, and it brings about it's regrets
Mark this day, boy, I hope you never forget

Together you drove all day and night
The only stops were to gaze up at the starlight
You and her, everything seemed to be so right
But something left you on that unforgetful night
You told me that then everything was at peace
Like time stood still so you could travel through it with ease
You saw the beauty of the world while you floated on the breeze
But it's not forever that everything will stay at peace
At that age you were never really short on time
Day by day, place to place you were doing just fine
You ignored the fact that all clocks will unwind
You had your chances but you said "I'll take my time"
It's been a few years, and boy, things sure change
You start to love all the things you once thought were strange
The world turns and time goes from stage to stage
You can drive fast, but you'll never ever outrun change
Answer:
Originally Posted by HeavenOnAStick You said "come with me, now, we're taking a ride
we'll see all the beauty in the countryside"
Things seemed perfect as if nothing had ever died
But immortality was not to be found on this ride You're using rhyme in an interesting way in this song, but I have to wonder if the rhyme is too much. That's something that really depends on delivery.
Other than that, my only critique here would be regarding the theme. This beginning feels a wee bit cheezy.
In your entire life you never felt so alive
Driving at a speed of 75
You both looked out and saw the whole world thrive
Such a great day to be alive Here is where I think the rhyme scheme really hurts this song. "Alive" is often rhymed with "five" and "thrive" mainly because there are few other words that rhyme with it. Though you are fortunate that "five" actually fits into the song fairly seamlessly, "thrive" almost always feels awkward and forced. Here it's no exception.

Time is something you never love until it's gone
Say goodbye now, though I know it's not ever fun
Age is coming, and it brings about it's regrets
Mark this day, boy, I hope you never forget

"Gone" and "fun" don't rhyme. "Not ever" feels really awkward here as well. Essentially, I think the whole second line could be scrapped and re-written, as I'm sure you can do better. The first line is solid, third line is decent, and the last is good, except for the random "boy" thrown in there. Feels a bit too affected.
Together you drove all day and night
The only stops were to gaze up at the starlight
You and her, everything seemed to be so right
But something left you on that unforgetful night "Unforgetful" is A. not a word B. wouldn't apply to "night" if it was a word. I'm pretty sure you mean "unforgettable."
You told me that then everything was at peace
Like time stood still so you could travel through it with ease
You saw the beauty of the world while you floated on the breeze
But it's not forever that everything will stay at peace While "ease" and "breeze" rhyme, they don't rhyme with "peace." "Floated on the breeze" is a bit of a cliché as is "time stood still."
At that age you were never really short on time
Day by day, place to place you were doing just fine
You ignored the fact that all clocks will unwind
You had your chances but you said "I'll take my time" Neither "time," "fine," nor "unwind" rhyme with each other. I like the idea of clocks unwinding; I think you could do some more with that image.
It's been a few years, and boy, things sure change
You start to love all the things you once thought were strange
The world turns and time goes from stage to stage
You can drive fast, but you'll never ever outrun change The "boy" again feels affected and out of place. That said, I like this final verse.