Question:
Yeah, it's quite emo, but anyway. Tell me what you think, and be brutally honest if necessary. A lot of my friends say it's my best work, but those are my friends so they're biased. I want some real opinions. Here it is:
THE ENTIRE YOUNG GUY'S MINDSET IN A LITTLE OVER TWO MINUTES
I look at you and wonder
If you look at me in the same way
And I often contemplate it
When I stare into your eyes
I want to tell you how I feel but I
Can't find the courage
So I'll write it in this song and I
Just hope you hear it
If I thought I had a chance
I'd ask you to dance
To share your deepest thoughts
And take a walk walk under the stars
Inside my head I scream
"Will you go out with me"
But those words are drowned out by my
Nervous, thumping heart
I wish these words could reach you
I try my hardest just to
Get you to hang out
Just so I can look at you
And wonder if it would work out
These thoughts run through my head
And drown out every other thought
And these feelings overwork
My already stressed out heart
If I thought I had a chance
I'd ask you to dance
To share your deepest thoughts
And take a walk walk under the stars
Inside my head I scream
"Will you go out with me"
But those words are drowned out by my
Nervous, thumping heart
I feel like I'm no good for you
And you're way too great for me
That stacks up fifty thousand times
And makes me want to scream
If I thought I had a chance
I'd ask you to dance
To share your deepest thoughts
And take a walk walk under the stars
Inside my head I scream
"Will you go out with me"
But those words are drowned out by my
Nervous, thumping heart
I wish these words could reach you
If I thought I had a chance
I'd ask you to dance
To share your deepest thoughts
And walk under the stars
Inside my head I scream
"Will you go out with me"
But those words are drowned out by my
Nervous, thumping heart
Well I hope I have a chance...
Answer:
Yeah that is great stuff man. I love the title, it totally fits and I think you're right and nailed, that is pretty much us guys mindset. That is pretty cool, rock on!
Answer:
Hey, nice job. A little wordy at parts, but still good. I'd like to hear the music to it...
Answer:
Originally Posted by +SEAL+ Hey, nice job. A little wordy at parts, but still good. I'd like to hear the music to it...
I'd record it accoustic, if I could get my stupid mic to work
What do you mean by wordy?
Answer:
Well, just fitting a word or two into a line where there's not enough room for it to fit and stay in a regular rhythm...although I admit I haven't heard it recorded.
Answer:
I got a recording. Very very crappy recording. Acoustic.
Hear it here. http://www.myspace.com/emseibtproject
Answer:
Originally Posted by RubberChipmunk Yeah, it's quite emo, but anyway. Tell me what you think, and be brutally honest if necessary. A lot of my friends say it's my best work, but those are my friends so they're biased. I want some real opinions. Here it is: I think I'll do some critique on the lyrics prior to listening to it.
THE ENTIRE YOUNG GUY'S MINDSET IN A LITTLE OVER TWO MINUTES I like the title. Bit of humour sets the tone of the song well.
I look at you and wonder
If you look at me in the same way
And I often contemplate it
When I stare into your eyes
I want to tell you how I feel but I
Can't find the courage
So I'll write it in this song and I
Just hope you hear it ...I'm not sure what to say. These lines are all fairly tired clichés, but I'm not sure what your intent is with them. Are you trying to describe in general how all young guys feel? If so, then sure, you've done a decent job. Most young guys express themselves in clichés and of course those clichés are likely true. However, this doesn't necessarily make for good writing. I think that you need to look at these clichés in a new light, perhaps applying them to a specific situation. The goal of art, in my mind, is to articulate the specifics of life in such detail that everyone gains some understanding of life in general. There's a paradox in art: the more specific you are, the more widely-applicable it is.
So, my challenge to you is to step away from these clichés and figure out some new and interesting way to articulate this theme.
If I thought I had a chance
I'd ask you to dance
To share your deepest thoughts
And take a walk walk under the stars
Inside my head I scream
"Will you go out with me"
But those words are drowned out by my
Nervous, thumping heart
I wish these words could reach you While I'm not a fan of the first half of this chorus, there's something about the "will you go out with me" line that I like. It's nice and forthright and a little humorous. The "nervous, thumping heart" imagery is decent as well, though "heart" imagery is grossly overused in songwriting.
I try my hardest just to
Get you to hang out
Just so I can look at you
And wonder if it would work out
These thoughts run through my head
And drown out every other thought
And these feelings overwork
My already stressed out heart I really like those first three lines. "Just so I can look at you" is just so over-the-top honest that it's a bit surprising. I like that. The rest of this verse is alright, but it's not great either. I think you could perhaps take the drowning imagery a bit further, rather than immediately jumping to the next thought.
I feel like I'm no good for you
And you're way too great for me
That stacks up fifty thousand times
And makes me want to scream First two lines again have that over-the-top honesty that is kind of refreshing, but the third line doesn't really make any sense.
Well I hope I have a chance... Decent way to the end the song, an echo of the first line of the chorus. Oh that eternal hope of the teenager with a crush!
There are some bright spots in this song, but you need to stay far away from clichés. When you first start doing any sort of serious writing, clichés are going to be the first thing that comes out of your pen. That's just the way people think. Good writing constantly creates new ways of saying the same thing. There's nothing new underneath the sun, but there's always a new way to say it. You are a unique human being with unique experiences! Explore them and come away with some imagery that reflects your life. Observe every day life, listen to conversations, flip through radio stations. You never know when a new way to say something old will pop into your head.
Above all, keep writing!
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter I think I'll do some critique on the lyrics prior to listening to it.
I like the title. Bit of humour sets the tone of the song well. Thanks
It actually ended up being a little over three minutes when I recorded it, so the title is slightly different now.
...I'm not sure what to say. These lines are all fairly tired clichés, but I'm not sure what your intent is with them. Are you trying to describe in general how all young guys feel? If so, then sure, you've done a decent job. Most young guys express themselves in clichés and of course those clichés are likely true. However, this doesn't necessarily make for good writing. I think that you need to look at these clichés in a new light, perhaps applying them to a specific situation. The goal of art, in my mind, is to articulate the specifics of life in such detail that everyone gains some understanding of life in general. There's a paradox in art: the more specific you are, the more widely-applicable it is. Although I'm not a part of the age group this usually applies to anymore, at 19 I'm still getting emo moments on occasion (and not so much after I wrote this), like those that plagued me in high school. Anyway, this entire song was written about my own frustrations with someone (which sadly enough didn't work out anyway). So I was trying to articulate what I felt and later realised that many people tend to end up thinking the same things.
So, my challenge to you is to step away from these clichés and figure out some new and interesting way to articulate this theme. For a different song, definately. If I don't finish a song in one fell swoop (lyrics, chords, rhythm at the very least), it's impossible for me to revisit the same mindset (I've lost many a song this way). That includes revisiting.
While I'm not a fan of the first half of this chorus, Strangely, I'm not either. Just couldn't think of anything else, becuase as I said it was written from what I was thinking/feeling at the time. there's something about the "will you go out with me" line that I like. It's nice and forthright and a little humorous. The "nervous, thumping heart" imagery is decent as well, though "heart" imagery is grossly overused in songwriting. I know, it is.
I really like those first three lines. "Just so I can look at you" is just so over-the-top honest that it's a bit surprising. I like that. The rest of this verse is alright, but it's not great either. I think you could perhaps take the drowning imagery a bit further, rather than immediately jumping to the next thought. Drowning imagery?
First two lines again have that over-the-top honesty that is kind of refreshing, but the third line doesn't really make any sense. It's yet another testament to the confusing inner workings of my head. I'll be thinking about one thing, then something else at the same time, then the first thing in two different ways at the same time, and so on, until it gets almost unbearable. 50,000 seemed large enough a number. Honestly, I thought about rewriting the last part, but I couldn't think of anything to fit.
Decent way to the end the song, an echo of the first line of the chorus. Oh that eternal hope of the teenager with a crush!
There are some bright spots in this song, but you need to stay far away from clichés. When you first start doing any sort of serious writing, clichés are going to be the first thing that comes out of your pen. That's just the way people think. Good writing constantly creates new ways of saying the same thing. There's nothing new underneath the sun, but there's always a new way to say it. You are a unique human being with unique experiences! Explore them and come away with some imagery that reflects your life. Observe every day life, listen to conversations, flip through radio stations. You never know when a new way to say something old will pop into your head.
Above all, keep writing! Thanks for the feedback. My friends tell me this is my best work. I look back on my previous writings and see they're right, but I also know there's a lot I could do to improve. A lot. Thanks again
Answer:
Originally Posted by RubberChipmunk Drowning imagery?
These thoughts run through my head
And drown out every other thought
I was referring to these lines. I think something interesting could be done with this idea. I see a skull just sloshing around with ideas and thoughts completely drowning the ones that are important...maybe lines personifying your thoughts struggling for breath. Taking the imagery of drowning further here would go a long way to getting past clichés and into original songwriting.