Question:
Here's my second song i've posted...it's all pretty much hard punk,except it does slow down for the pre-chorus,and a lil for the bridge.
Verse 1:
I can't live in this place
Crowded by love and hate
There's no room to breathe
This is where we suffocate
There's no escape if our eyes can't see
Pre-chorus:
This is the edge
Of our lives
Jump and fall
Or start over right
Chorus:
Life is more than you know
Chained to death,running out of breath
Hold to your pain,or let go(go)
Verse 2:
They tell you who you are
They're breaking your heart
You're not supposed be anybody
Found nothing,but you've looked hard
Maybe hope isn't as far as you think
Repeat pre-chorus and chorus
Bridge:
Just as they're making you
They are breaking you
They don't have what you're looking for
You don't have to be afraid anymore
Repeat pre-chorus and chorus
That's it,please tell me what you think.
Answer:
Ok so if u read this song and my other one and cared,i don't think our band is going for the whole punk thing,we're more hard rock,maybe with a lil punk influence.Anyways i showed both songs to my band and they said they liked my other one better(feel free to check it out,if u want to and if u can still find it),but some said they still liked this one,and i'm curious to know what u think.
Answer:
It sounds like a Switchfoot song (or, all of them)...
Answer:
Yes, it does. Especially "They tell you who you are" and "life is more than you know."
That being said, it's pretty good. Not terribly original, but quite solid.
-Nick
Answer:
Originally Posted by Only Alive Yes, it does. Especially "They tell you who you are" and "life is more than you know."
That being said, it's pretty good. Not terribly original, but quite solid.
-Nick
Actually... I was thinking mostly of "This is the edge of our lives" and "Maybe hope isn't as far as you think" when I made that comment. The whole song sounds exactly like all of Switchfoot's "clever" lyrics rolled up in one giant ball.
In His love,
Nate
Answer:
Yeah now that u mention it...it is a lot like a switchfoot song...
Answer:
Originally Posted by Nate Actually... I was thinking mostly of "This is the edge of our lives" and "Maybe hope isn't as far as you think" when I made that comment. The whole song sounds exactly like all of Switchfoot's "clever" lyrics rolled up in one giant ball. Cheap shot.
Originally Posted by G180 Here's my second song i've posted...it's all pretty much hard punk,except it does slow down for the pre-chorus,and a lil for the bridge.
Good. Tempo changes are always welcome.
Verse 1:
I can't live in this place
Crowded by love and hate
There's no room to breathe
This is where we suffocate
There's no escape if our eyes can't see There's two really interesting lines in this verse: the second and the fourth. In the second, you have the interesting parodox of being crowded by both love and hate, both getting in the way. It's an interesting thought. The fourth, "this is where we suffocate" is really well phrased and a great rhyme for "love and hate". Two great lines.
Unfortunately, they're being crowded out by a couple cliché lines. "I can't live in this place" is tired and old and needs to be revised. Be more specific. "There's no room to breathe" is completely unnecessary because the fourth line says the exact same thing in a far more interesting way. Get rid of the third line and do something more interesting with that space. Perhaps you could expand on the idea of being crowded out by both love and hate? The fifth line is acceptable, but not fantastic.
Pre-chorus:
This is the edge
Of our lives
Jump and fall
Or start over right Not bad. The similarity to a Switchfoot lyric has already been pointed out, but it's still not a bad build.
Chorus:
Life is more than you know
Chained to death,running out of breath
Hold to your pain,or let go(go) First line immediately makes me think of "Ode to Chin" by Switchfoot: "Life's more than girls". Unfortunately for you, the Switchfoot line is far better than yours. There's gotta be something more interesting you can do with that first line. The second line isn't bad: the first half is better than the latter half, which is a cliché, but in combination they could work just fine. Last line is decent and could make for a hook.
Verse 2:
They tell you who you are
They're breaking your heart
You're not supposed be anybody
Found nothing,but you've looked hard
Maybe hope isn't as far as you think First line is almost straight from "On Fire" by Switchfoot: "they'll tell you where you need to go, they'll tell who you need to be". This verse isn't that great. I think you can do better.
Bridge:
Just as they're making you
They are breaking you
They don't have what you're looking for
You don't have to be afraid anymore The "making/breaking" rhyme has been done to death and isn't as interesting as it once was. Once again, I honestly think you can do better than this. You showed some promise in the first verse, pre-chorus, and a little in the chorus, but the second verse and bridge let us down. Keep writing!
You've got some great lines, but they're being held back by some bad ones. Erase the bad lines and replace them with good lines. Keep writing!