Question:
ON MY MIND
Vs. 1
I took a walk down the road today...
I saw you watching but I just didn't know what to say...
sometimes the right thing just isn't that easy...
but today you're leaving,
and if only my one last word could be goodbye,
but I know I'll just stay home
with you on my mind

Vs. 2
I went into a safe place
picked up my guitar and began to play
I was trying to divert my attention,
from the hollow place in my heart that just won't go away
you're on my mind so constantly,
and I regret the day I let you slip through my fingers
I'll just sit here, with you on my mind.

Chorus
You're on my mind,
on my mind.
will I ever forget you?
You're on my mind,
on my mind.

Vs. 3
I crawled into the darkness,
to lie awake and think
to think of the friend I just lost,
because I just couldn't swollow my pride,
the pride that's now choking me
and preventing me from breath
I'll regret this for the rest of my life...

Chorus Again
You're on my mind,
on my mind.
will I ever forget you?
You're on my mind,
on my mind.

Bridge
I sat at my telephone,
as my fingers run over the numbers,
I want to so badly to call you,
to make amends...
I wonder if we can patch it up
to make it all better...
but then I know, it won't ever be the same.

Outro
You're on my mind...
Answer:
Originally Posted by scarsxthatxsave I took a walk down the road today...
I saw you watching but I just didn't know what to say...
sometimes the right thing just isn't that easy...
but today you're leaving, Hmmm, it sounds good so far. But the last line seems a bit small, but I can see if you sing it a certain way it would work.
Originally Posted by scarsxthatxsave and if only my one last word could be goodbye,
but I know I'll just stay home
with you on my mind I like it.
Originally Posted by scarsxthatxsave I went into a safe place
picked up my guitar and began to play
Err... this is the only part I'm not enjoying. The safe place/guitar line.. it seems a bit blunt.
Originally Posted by scarsxthatxsave I was trying to divert my attention,
from the hollow place in my heart that just won't go away
you're on my mind so constantly,
and I regret the day I let you slip through my fingers
I'll just sit here, with you on my mind. I love this.
Originally Posted by scarsxthatxsave You're on my mind,
on my mind.
will I ever forget you?
You're on my mind,
on my mind. I like the chorus too.
Originally Posted by scarsxthatxsave I crawled into the darkness,
to lie awake and think
to think of the friend I just lost,
because I just couldn't swollow my pride,
the pride that's now choking me
and preventing me from breath
I'll probably regret this for the rest of my life... The only part I don't like is the "probably".. it seems almost childish.
Other then that, I like this verse too.
Originally Posted by scarsxthatxsave I sat at my telephone,
as my fingers run over the numbers,
I want to so badly to call you,
to make amends...
I wonder if we can patch it up
to make it all better...
but then I know, it won't ever be the same. It sounds a bit choppy.. but it could work. And is this the third verse?
I'm not sure what part of the song this is.
Originally Posted by scarsxthatxsave You're on my mind... Altogether I like it. And the song makes sense, and you stick to your points. But it's a bit choppy, and lacks some flow.
Other then that, thumbs up.
Answer:
Originally Posted by natedawg5280 Hmmm, it sounds good so far. But the last line seems a bit small, but I can see if you sing it a certain way it would work.
Yeah, I might look into that... try polishing it up a bit.
Err... this is the only part I'm not enjoying. The safe place/guitar line.. it seems a bit blunt.
See, to me it makes sense... cuz when I'm mad or sad I go into my music room and play my guitar. Music room = Safe place to me... of course, I can see now this wouldn't relate to other people... it's going to need to be changed.
The only part I don't like is the "probably".. it seems almost childish.
Other then that, I like this verse too.
You're right. You know, I never knew I put a 'probably' in it. It's amazing what things you notice when other people point them out. Thanks for that.
I'm cutting the probably. I don't like it either.
It sounds a bit choppy.. but it could work. And is this the third verse?
I'm not sure what part of the song this is.
Yeah, that's the third verse... the 'telephone' one is the bridge. Sorry for not labeling the vs... chorus, etc.
Altogether I like it. And the song makes sense, and you stick to your points. But it's a bit choppy, and lacks some flow.
Other then that, thumbs up.
Thanks for RC'ing Nate, you rock!
Answer:
ON MY MIND
Vs. 1
I took a walk down the road today...
I saw you watching but I just didn't know what to say...
sometimes the right thing just isn't that easy...
but today's the day you're leaving,
and if only my one last word could be goodbye,
but I know I'll just stay home
with you on my mind

Vs. 2
I sit alone once again,
basking in my sorrow
so I pick up my guitar....
just trying to divert my attention,
from the hollow place in my heart that just won't go away
you're on my mind so constantly,
and I regret the day I let you slip through my fingers
I'll just sit here, with you on my mind.

Chorus
You're on my mind,
on my mind.
will I ever forget you?
You're on my mind,
on my mind.

Vs. 3
I crawled into the darkness,
to lie awake and think
to think of the friend I just lost,
because I just couldn't swallow my pride,
the pride that's now choking me
and preventing me from breath
I'll regret this for the rest of my life...

Chorus Again
You're on my mind,
on my mind.
will I ever forget you?
You're on my mind,
on my mind.

Bridge
I sat at my telephone,
as my fingers run over the numbers,
I want to so badly to call you,
to make amends...
I wonder if we can patch it up
to make it all better...
but then I know, it won't ever be the same.
Outro
You're on my mind...
It's a variation ... I put in bold all the edited parts... when criticizing it'd be great if you would tell me which you like best the variation, the original, or neither.
Answer:
Originally Posted by scarsxthatxsave I took a walk down the road today...
I saw you watching but I just didn't know what to say...
sometimes the right thing just isn't that easy...
but today's the day you're leaving,
and if only my one last word could be goodbye,
but I know I'll just stay home
with you on my mind Nice opening verse, my only suggestion would to take out "one" in the 5th line. It might make it flow a little better, I think.
I sit alone once again,
basking in my sorrow
so I pick up my guitar....
just trying to divert my attention,
from the hollow place in my heart that just won't go away
you're on my mind so constantly,
and I regret the day I let you slip through my fingers
I'll just sit here, with you on my mind. Actually, I kind of like the original verse a bit more than the rewrite. These new lines just seem more cliche to me for some reason, the rest of the verse is good though.
You're on my mind,
on my mind.
will I ever forget you?
You're on my mind,
on my mind. Simple, but seeing how you've centered the whole song around "you're on my mind", it works great.
I crawled into the darkness,
to lie awake and think
to think of the friend I just lost,
because I just couldn't swallow my pride,
the pride that's now choking me
and preventing me from breath
I'll regret this for the rest of my life... I'm not entirely sure if this verse is even needed in the song. You have a great set up for the song in the 1st verse and elaborate on it efficently in the 2nd one, so this verse just seems redundant in light of what you've already talked about. I like the image of wanting to be alone and left in the dark. Perhaps you could transfer some of the depressing atmosphere into the bridge?
I sat at my telephone,
as my fingers run over the numbers,
I want to so badly to call you,
to make amends...
I wonder if we can patch it up
to make it all better...
but then I know, it won't ever be the same. "I want so badly to call you" comes off as a rather weak line, but everything else sums up the song nicely.
As a whole, I like the song. Just polish it up a little more and you'll have a fantastic set of lyrics in no time!