Question:
Alright guys, this is a punk song w/ emo influences.....criticize as you feel necessary.....
Verse 1
You can't see
Inside of me
The other personality I hide so shamefully
And you don't know
How far I'd go
To disguise my inner self to the point it doesn't show
Pre-Chorus
So long, so hard, so close, so far, we're almost getting there
Chorus
....To Finding Me
Verse 2
You look at me
I look at you
Is there something hiding that you're trying to seclude?
I searched you deep
And I found
The real you that I never knew was around
Pre-Chorus
Chorus
.....To finding you
Bridge
What's it worth to hide
The pain you feel inside?
Just let it out and it'll be alright
Chorus
End
Answer:
Sounds/reads like punk to me... which isn't a good thing... in my lofty opinion... but that's what you were going for... I guess... and you succeeded... perfectly.
In His love,
Nate
Answer:
Originally Posted by rippinforjesus And I found
This is the only line that doesn't really work... 'cause it's missing one syllable. I keep hearing a cheesy punk melody like Avril's "He was a boy," "she was a girl," "could I make it anymore obvious" when I read your verses... but it gets caught up on this line 'cause it doesn't fit. You really need to match syllables on these short lines, I think. Might I suggest "And there I found" or "And then I found" instead of "And I found?"
In His love,
Nate
Answer:
Originally Posted by rippinforjesus You can't see
Inside of me
Oops. I missed this one, too. I think it's because I read it as "You cannot see," which is, in fact, four syllables. Might I suggest that change as well?
Answer:
Well, the way the music goes, all the syllables match up perfectly...so I'm not too worried about that
Answer:
I think that "secluded" could be changed, but it sounded fine with secluded. Even if it is punk, it was good.