Question:
Basically, the biggest need that I have for this song is something to replace the line "You words are life" and possibly "You words, my comfort and my hope". I'm trying not to use cliches and I've seen those lines over-used a bit. Any input would be helpful.


All for You
Breathing You
Heart beating for You
Sing to You
Dance to You
Life and rest, it’s all for You


Your words are air
Your words are life
Your words, the blood that flows inside
Your words, the shelter and the storm
Your words, my comfort and my hope


The lights of evening round us shine
Beautiful, You are in the sky
The sun shines only for the King
The sun shines only for the King
Answer:
Originally Posted by guitarfreak217 All for You
Breathing You
Heart beating for You
Sing to You
Dance to You
Life and rest, it’s all for You Strangely, the title line in the most out of place line in this section. All the other lines are about what we do for God, whereas "breathing You" is more about our relationship with God.
Your words are air
Your words are life
Your words, the blood that flows inside
Your words, the shelter and the storm
Your words, my comfort and my hope I would work on getting the structure of this more normalized. On the first part you have short line, short line, long line, and the last words of the second and third lines somewhat rhyme--at least enough to give some cohesiveness to this section. I would expand the last two lines to be three lines (short, short, long) and make the last words of the second and third lines somewhat rhyme.
Something like:
Your words are air
Your words are life
Your words, the blood that flows inside
Your words, the shelter
Your words, the storm
Your words, my comfort, my reward
Then, the last vowel sound of each second and third line pair will be the same... to me, that gives cohesion.
You also might want to further develop the paradox of shelter/storm.
You could do this--and knock out the line you wanted to knock out--by changing the first three lines rather than the last two and making the new first line be another paradox.
Like:
Your words are air and steal my breath (it's the best I could come up with on the spot )
Your words, the blood the flows inside
Your words, the shelter and the storm
Your words, my comfort and my hope
You ALSO have a good thing going with the Breathe-like idea of God being the very thing that sustains us bodily. That would be another good thing to develop.
Altogether, I think this section is good but could use some development to make it stronger in whatever way you may choose.
The lights of evening round us shine
Beautiful, You are in the sky
The sun shines only for the King
The sun shines only for the King I'm just not sure how this fits with the rest of the song. How does it tie in?

---

I really like what you've got so far. Sometimes we just need to obsess over God a little bit.
Answer:
Originally Posted by bobthecockroach Strangely, the title line in the most out of place line in this section. All the other lines are about what we do for God, whereas "breathing You" is more about our relationship with God.

I would work on getting the structure of this more normalized. On the first part you have short line, short line, long line, and the last words of the second and third lines somewhat rhyme--at least enough to give some cohesiveness to this section. I would expand the last two lines to be three lines (short, short, long) and make the last words of the second and third lines somewhat rhyme.

Something like:
Your words are air
Your words are life
Your words, the blood that flows inside
Your words, the shelter
Your words, the storm
Your words, my comfort, my reward

Then, the last vowel sound of each second and third line pair will be the same... to me, that gives cohesion.

You also might want to further develop the paradox of shelter/storm.

You could do this--and knock out the line you wanted to knock out--by changing the first three lines rather than the last two and making the new first line be another paradox.

Like:
Your words are air and steal my breath (it's the best I could come up with on the spot )
Your words, the blood the flows inside
Your words, the shelter and the storm
Your words, my comfort and my hope

You ALSO have a good thing going with the Breathe-like idea of God being the very thing that sustains us bodily. That would be another good thing to develop.

Altogether, I think this section is good but could use some development to make it stronger in whatever way you may choose.

I'm just not sure how this fits with the rest of the song. How does it tie in?

---

I really like what you've got so far. Sometimes we just need to obsess over God a little bit.
I see where you're going. The thing with the second section is that those first two lines are meant to be sung as 1 line. I probably should have put them that way, but for some reason I didn't.

I've also been a bit at a loss for that section. I mainly added it in with the feeling that the song needs a bridge section. And the first line of that part I actually stole from the Phos Hilaron. I like that section, I'm just now thinking I need to possibly find a different song for it. I do think that the last two lines in that part fit the overall theme of the song though, as it goes with the whole "everything for God" theme that I've written out.
Answer:
Originally Posted by guitarfreak217 I see where you're going. The thing with the second section is that those first two lines are meant to be sung as 1 line. I probably should have put them that way, but for some reason I didn't. Ah, ok. Makes sense now.
I do think that the last two lines in that part fit the overall theme of the song though, as it goes with the whole "everything for God" theme that I've written out. They do go with the theme, but, unlike the rest of the song, they aren't personal.
Answer:
Originally Posted by bobthecockroach Ah, ok. Makes sense now.

They do go with the theme, but, unlike the rest of the song, they aren't personal.
Ok, I get you. Hmm... Now to think of possible new bridge.