Question:
I don't know about this one. I think it's got alot of good possibility about it, but to me it still seems crude. The first version I wrote had rhyme. I'm not all that into too much rhyme in songs, and even though the rhyme was accidental it seemed forced. So I changed it. It still needs help though I think.
Tell me what you think.
Letters and Mixtapes
I can't talk to you now.
I've lost my will to speak and you a will to listen.
Conversation is broken and empty. It's shallow and you lie.
I just can't take it anymore, I just can't fake this anymore.
Actions speak in the loudest of words.
I'll write you a letter.
I'll make you a mixtape.
Of everything I ever wanted to say.
These words shouldn't go unspoken.
You're a knife to my back.
You know it's true.
It's always been so hard, for me to express my feelings.
The honest thought I harbor deep inside.
That itch away and that I never have the guts to say.
I didn't want to hurt you.
But I can't hepl that you were born without a heart.
I'll write you a letter.
I'll make you a mixtape.
I'll send it in an envelope, sealed.
and then I'll move away.
You'll forget me before you know it.
You know it's true.
I'll write you a letter.
I'll make you a mixtape.
I'll tell you how we've changed,
how I wish it could still be like the olden days.
and then I'll sign off - with an anonymous name..
That's just how I do.
It's now I can talk.
Pouring my heart out on these pages.
I write and rewrite. I can't miss a thing.
Pain and backstabbing and "friendships" and "trust"
It's all in good fun - that's your motto.
Actions speak in the loudest of words.
I'll write you a letter.
I'll make you a mixtape.
I'll leave it on your doorstep, ring the bell and run away.
I'll drive to a place where no one cares.
All I know is this place is no longer home.
You'll forget me before you know it.. (x2)
You know it's true.
Answer:
Originally Posted by scarsxthatxsave I don't know about this one. I think it's got alot of good possibility about it, but to me it still seems crude. The first version I wrote had rhyme. I'm not all that into too much rhyme in songs, and even though the rhyme was accidental it seemed forced. So I changed it. It still needs help though I think.
Tell me what you think. First off, don't be afraid of rhyme. Think of the songs that you enjoy the most; don't they have rhyme? But, of course, rhyme should never be forced. The trick is to rhyme smoothly, without going out of your way to make it rhyme.
Letters and Mixtapes The title is good; it gives us an idea of what's coming. You're talking about the remnants of a relationship and we can get that just from the title. Good stuff.
I can't talk to you now.
I've lost my will to speak and you a will to listen. The second line is a bit awkward. You should make it a bit more clear: "you've lost your will to listen" would work, but the way it is now is just confusing.
Conversation is broken and empty. It's shallow and you lie.
I just can't take it anymore, I just can't fake this anymore.
Actions speak in the loudest of words. The first line here seems a bit too on the nose. That can be refreshing, but here it just seems too blunt. And for all your talk of avoiding rhyme, the second line here does seem very forced and cliché.
I'll write you a letter.
I'll make you a mixtape.
Of everything I ever wanted to say.
These words shouldn't go unspoken.
You're a knife to my back.
You know it's true. I like this chorus, except for "you're a knife to my back." Very cliché and it doesn't fit in at all with your imagery. You're talking about words and speaking throughout the chorus and then you have this knife coming out of nowhere. Stick with your theme!
It's always been so hard, for me to express my feelings.
The honest thought I harbor deep inside.
That itch away and that I never have the guts to say.
I didn't want to hurt you.
But I can't hepl that you were born without a heart. Dang! This last line, while just as blunt as the one I complained about before, just has an edge to it that I really like. The rest of the verse doesn't do too much for me. I think you could do a bit more with it; perhaps if you work the inner-body metaphor a bit more (you have references to "deep inside" and "guts" that could be expanded on for something original).
I'll write you a letter.
I'll make you a mixtape.
I'll send it in an envelope, sealed.
and then I'll move away.
You'll forget me before you know it.
You know it's true. Ah, this I like. This flows much better than the "knife in the back" cliché from before.
I'll write you a letter.
I'll make you a mixtape.
I'll tell you how we've changed,
how I wish it could still be like the olden days.
and then I'll sign off - with an anonymous name..
That's just how I do. Ooh...ugh. Please don't say "That's just how I do." That's far too hip-hop-esque and it really doesn't fit in this song. Also, I don't much like the "olden days" line. Signing off with "with an anonymous name" is a neat thought though.
It's now I can talk.
Pouring my heart out on these pages.
I write and rewrite. I can't miss a thing.
Pain and backstabbing and "friendships" and "trust"
It's all in good fun - that's your motto.
Actions speak in the loudest of words. This isn't bad. But I think with a bit of rewriting it could be stronger. "Pouring my heart out" is a cliché and the "pain and backstabbing" isn't that good a line. The "that's your motto" line has a good ring to it though.
I'll write you a letter.
I'll make you a mixtape.
I'll leave it on your doorstep, ring the bell and run away.
I'll drive to a place where no one cares.
All I know is this place is no longer home. Nice. I like this part here.
You'll forget me before you know it.. (x2)
You know it's true. Not bad. This could work as a good ending.
You have some decent material here, but you really need to let go of your fear of rhyme. There's a reason it is used so much in poetry and songwriting.
Answer:
First let me start off by saying I really appreciate your reply. It has really helped me out alot.
Originally Posted by Skeeter First off, don't be afraid of rhyme. Think of the songs that you enjoy the most; don't they have rhyme? But, of course, rhyme should never be forced. The trick is to rhyme smoothly, without going out of your way to make it rhyme.
Could my dislike for rhyme be connected with my complete and utter dislike for rap?
The second line is a bit awkward. You should make it a bit more clear: "you've lost your will to listen" would work, but the way it is now is just confusing.
Yeah, you know, I've changed that line 3 or 4 times now.. I'll keep working with it.
The first line here seems a bit too on the nose. That can be refreshing, but here it just seems too blunt. And for all your talk of avoiding rhyme, the second line here does seem very forced and cliché.
I'm a sucker for emo, "my heart is dying" type stuff. I guess it comes across.
I like this chorus, except for "you're a knife to my back." Very cliché and it doesn't fit in at all with your imagery. You're talking about words and speaking throughout the chorus and then you have this knife coming out of nowhere. Stick with your theme!
Alright, I'm on it!
Dang! This last line, while just as blunt as the one I complained about before, just has an edge to it that I really like.
The rest of the verse doesn't do too much for me. I think you could do a bit more with it; perhaps if you work the inner-body metaphor a bit more (you have references to "deep inside" and "guts" that could be expanded on for something original).
Alright, I'll look more into that.
It's always better to see things from another person's perspective.
Ooh...ugh. Please don't say "That's just how I do." That's far too hip-hop-esque and it really doesn't fit in this song.
Bloody! I hadn't noticed that. I was kind of strumming stuff and humming along, and maybe just the way I sang it.. I dunno.. made it way different. I don't want it to even look like a rap song though.
Also, I don't much like the "olden days" line.
Again, another thing I've changed and changed. I didn't much like the olden days line either. It made me feel like I was really old, talking about my childhood or something. I dunno.
Signing off with "with an anonymous name" is a neat thought though.
Thanks.
This isn't bad. But I think with a bit of rewriting it could be stronger. "Pouring my heart out" is a cliché and the "pain and backstabbing" isn't that good a line. The "that's your motto" line has a good ring to it though.
Alright, I'll keep working on it.
You have some decent material here, but you really need to let go of your fear of rhyme. There's a reason it is used so much in poetry and songwriting.
When I first started songwriting I used alot of rhyme.. and I didn't like it. I know I went about it all wrong.
Answer:
My suggestion: read the lyrics of good songwriters, but most of all, read some good poetry. If you can take some classes that study poetry and such it will help significantly. There's a reason for alliteration, assonance, rhyme, and other such devices. Good writing uses these things. Pay attention in English class!
Of course, it takes a while to get good at using these devices and it takes even longer for them to become natural, so keep writing. Always keep writing.