Question:
Change My Sight
(verse 1)
I don't recognize you
You are new eyes to look for
When I need something familiar
To hold me up strong
When old turns a faded grey
And fails to satisfy lonliness
Conversations make room
In hearts for something new
For every thousand first glances
Comes a first word
For every word that's ever spojken
The intricacy deepens
(chorus)
This is how, this is how you change me
The opening conversation
Leaves me with your impression
Fused into my heart's eyes
This is how, this is how you change me
The unfamiliar turns to known
The picture stays when you go
And changes my sight
(verse 2)
I don't want to leave you
The possibility of never still lingers
Through the uncertainty
Don't forget who I was
For every word I might never say
My heart won't cry
For every time it still astounds me
How I can't sort this all out
(chorus)
(bridge)
It's so intricate, the way He made it (4x)
(chorus 2x)
(tag)
You change my sight
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Greviously Mistaken (this song title is kind of an inside thing with a couple of friends of mine. The song is serious though )
(verse 1)
I wonder how the sky ended up
All over the floor
I'm to blame like yesterday
And all the days before
I wonder how I'll clean this mess
If I'm so burnt out
Did I really have to break my heart
With all my doubt?
(chorus)
I guess I messed this up again
I guess that makes me sorry
I guess I'm blessed 'cause you forgive
I guess that you should help me
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mara (verse 1)
I don't recognize you
You are new eyes to look for
When I need something familiar
To hold me up strong First line here is a little blunt. That may be your intention, of course, but I think there's more creative ways of saying the same thing. I like the last three lines here, but "new eyes to look for" just seems like a strange thing to say. "Look at" would make more sense, but it doesn't sound as nice. Not sure if you should change it though; it's up to you.
When old turns a faded grey
And fails to satisfy lonliness
Conversations make room
In hearts for something new Things becoming "faded grey" is a bit of a cliché, but not a horrifying one. I like the last two lines here though. I like how you personified the conversation.
For every thousand first glances
Comes a first word
For every word that's ever spoken
The intricacy deepens The fourth line here is a bit of a let down. Not because it's a bad line, but because you're suddenly bringing in "intricacy" when up until then you've been pretty plainspoken. The first three lines set us up for a common situation (great lines, by the way), and then you drop an uncommon word on us. I like what you're saying, but I wish there was a plainer way to say it. Something a little more forthright.
(chorus)
This is how, this is how you change me
The opening conversation
Leaves me with your impression
Fused into my heart's eyes Nice. If you could say the same thing without making reference to your heart...meh, whatever, it works.
This is how, this is how you change me
The unfamiliar turns to known
The picture stays when you go
And changes my sight Second line is a bit awkward. Normally you would say "the unfamiliar becomes familiar" or something like that, so dropping in "known" like that kinda throws me off. Actually, changing "turns to" to "become" might alleviate that awkwardness. I like the idea of a picture (something you see) changing your sight. Good stuff.
(verse 2)
I don't want to leave you
The possibility of never still lingers
Through the uncertainty
Don't forget who I was Second line here is fan-freaking-tastic. Summed up the thought so well in one great line. Last line here isn't as good. It doesn't seem to connect with the previous line.
For every word I might never say
My heart won't cry
For every time it still astounds me
How I can't sort this all out The negatives ("won't" and "can't") are adding unnecessary confusion to this verse. I have trouble figuring out what you're trying to say here. Could you make it a bit more clear, or change it so it makes more sense?
(bridge)
It's so intricate, the way He made it (4x) Nice. Relating relationships and conversations back to how God designed things. Great thought and a great rhyme (intricate/He made it).
I like what you've got here. A couple places still need some work though. Maybe you could bring in the personification of conversation in again. Just a thought.
(verse 1)
I wonder how the sky ended up
All over the floor
I'm to blame like yesterday
And all the days before Ooh, first two lines are very, very nice. Great intro to the song. Next two lines are good too.
I wonder how I'll clean this mess
If I'm so burnt out
Did I really have to break my heart
With all my doubt? I like it, but I think it could be a bit more vibrant. Maybe use some different words: instead of "clean", why not "mop up" or "scrub". You might have to change some other parts to make it all make sense, but experiment with it.
"If" in the second line should probably be "when". Third line is really good, but the fourth line sounds like it needs an extra syllable.
(chorus)
I guess I messed this up again
I guess that makes me sorry
I guess I'm blessed 'cause you forgive
I guess that you should help me This is...not as good as the verse you have. Also, the repetition of "I guess" is a little too much. I think it works in the first and third lines because you have the internal rhyme, but I think the second and third lines should be different. Just my opinion.
Really, you have a great first verse, but the chorus just doesn't match up to it. Keep writing, I think you can make this one a really good song.