Question:
Numerical Nightmare
©2004 Tom Danner
Verse 1:
sitting here
all alone
all i've got's a
telephone
who to call
there's no one home
i know you are
but you won't phone
Chorus:
you've got my number
you can call it anytime
you've got my number
i'll be waiting on the line
Verse 2:
don't call
ever again
we can't
be friends
i asked nicely
you refused
why does the nice guy
always lose
*chorus*
bridge:
if you want
we'll forever part
though
you'll always have a place
in my heart
if ever again
you need a friend
i'll be around the bend
but these cuts won't mend
no, these cuts won't mend
last chorus:
we've got the numbers
but this isn't the time
i don't think
there will ever be time
This is going to be relient K / Good Charlotte sounding. Punkish.
Please ruthlessly criticise.
Answer:
It's alright. I don't really know why. Lemme read it again and figure out why...
Originally Posted by Flyguy Verse 1:
sitting here
all alone
all i've got's a
telephone

I like this verse. It's cool
who to call
there's no one home
i know you are
but you won't phone

I don't like this verse quite as much. It's still good though

Chorus:
you've got my number
you can call it anytime
you've got my number
i'll be waiting on the line

This is pretty good, too. Me like.

Verse 2:
don't call
ever again
we can't
be friends

Hmmm... I would add another syllable to the last line, but that's just me
i asked nicely
you refused
why does the nice guy
always lose

I like this one a lot
bridge:
if you want
we'll forever part
though
you'll always have a place
in my heart
This is pretty good, too.
if ever again
you need a friend
i'll be around the bend
but these cuts won't mend

I can't quite put my finger on why I don't like this one as much. I think it's the last line, but I'm not sure why...

last chorus:
we've got the numbers
but this isn't the time
i don't think
there will ever be time
This is awesome, too

I like the song. I know, those weren't real critiques, but ya know, I've just always wanted to be able to break up a song and comment on every last line, so yeah, I'm weird
Answer:
Originally Posted by Flyguy Numerical Nightmare
©2004 Tom Danner
I like the title, but the song has some weak spots.
Verse 1:
sitting here
all alone
all i've got's a
telephone Everyone, and I mean everyone rhymes alone with telephone. I'd forgive you for it if you had used it in a new and creative way but this verse is just the same old thing I've heard many times before.
who to call
there's no one home
i know you are
but you won't phone Not bad, but it suffers from the false rhyme
Chorus:
you've got my number
you can call it anytime
you've got my number
i'll be waiting on the line I like this. Simple, catchy, effective.
Verse 2:
don't call
ever again
we can't
be friends This seems awkward rhythmically.
i asked nicely
you refused
why does the nice guy
always lose Not bad, I like the thought, but it again seems awkward in the rhythm
bridge:
if you want
we'll forever part
though
you'll always have a place
in my heart Oosh...that "part/heart" rhyme hurts my soul.
if ever again
you need a friend
i'll be around the bend
but these cuts won't mend
no, these cuts won't mend Better than the first half of the bridge, but still not stellar.
last chorus:
we've got the numbers
but this isn't the time
i don't think
there will ever be time Not a bad finish. It's not a horrible song, but it doesn't live up to some of the other things you've written. Try to eliminate those cliché rhymes, they're keeping you down. Keep writing!
Answer:
ya a few cliche'd rhymes but dangit that song is like my life in a nutshell lol, and dont make it good charlotte sounding, they have no musical talent, work on some really good music to go with it so it'll b worth listenin to