Question:
Verse -
Crest the hill and take the turn
So many times done before
Torn up inside I am this time
await the change from what I've known
Chorus -
The ride home
The place where I feel alone
A falling star of what we are
Facing what the future holds
The ride home
Together I feel alone
A falling star is what we are
Facing what the future holds
Verse -
No matter how much convinced its right
I struggle to accept the end
Embrace what was and isn't in sight
Holding on but its out of my hands
Bridge -
Seems so wrong but must be right
Must let go. Only God knows why
-----
The bridge originally was much longer and went like this:
The line that is walked between want and my fate
Fall to one side a path I must take
Selfish gains yeild to the one guiding light
Appearance so dim, perfection so bright
----
But with the length of the song and the way the music was flowing I needed to cut it down so the above lines are what I am toying with. I just went through a rough change in my life that was obviously necessary and God's hand was evident but it was really difficult to deal with. Had to pick up my family and move away from a place we had been rooted for some time...leaving behind other family, friends, jobs, significant relationships, my first house... was rough. Anyway... ready for feedback. The music with the song is very much like a Staind type of song if you know that secualr hard rock band.
Answer:
is it that bad? 13 views and no responses... anyone?
Answer:
Sooo... am I not following some directions? I was told I should ocme here but nothing happens.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Captured Verse -
Crest the hill and take the turn
So many times done before
Torn up inside I am this time
await the change from what I've known
The first line is fairly original, but not much else about this verse is, and I don't understand the third line--it sounds kind of archaic, or almost Yoda-speak. But if anything, that keeps things kind of original.

The ride home
The place where I feel alone
A falling star of what we are
Facing what the future holds
The ride home
Together I feel alone
A falling star is what we are
Facing what the future holds Pretty good. I like this part, probably best of the whole song, which is good, considering it's the part you hear the most. I especially like "Together I feel alone" Good stuff, solid writing right here, not brilliant, but good stuff.
No matter how much convinced it's right
I struggle to accept the end
Embrace what was and isn't in sight
Holding on but it's out of my hands This verse really seems kind of generic, and, going with my usual main hype, the third line doesn't make much sense, I'd suggest either "embrace what wasn't and isn't in sight.' or "embrace what was but isn't in sight."
because right now, I come off not really liking that line very much. Still, you consistently keep the message of the song running through this, so I suppose a little genericism doesn't hurt, but it also doesn't help.
Seems so wrong but must be right
Must let go. Only God knows why I like this, it's simple, and it caps the song pretty well. Still, I don't know which I prefer, the above, or this:
The line that is walked between want and my fate
Fall to one side a path I must take
Selfish gains yeild to the one guiding light
Appearance so dim, perfection so bright If you do the second, then the second line could definitely use some filler, or at least a punctuation mark. And "Appearance is so dim" would work quite well too.
Sooo... am I not following some directions? I was told I should ocme here but nothing happens. Stuff does happen, but slowly, just keep posting, and the more often you post, the more often people critique, plus, if you critique people, they're much more likely to read and comment on your song. Essentially, just stick to it, keep writing, and keep posting, and it'll get better.
Overall, this is a fairly solid song, keep writing and keep posting!
Answer:
Thanks for the feed back... See if some explanation to some of the lines makes a difference in your thoughts....
Originally Posted by Small The first line is fairly original, but not much else about this verse is, and I don't understand the third line--it sounds kind of archaic, or almost Yoda-speak. But if anything, that keeps things kind of original. I lke your yoda reference I tend to write lines like that from time to time. Don't know why but seems to be a reocurring thing for me. AS far as the line itself: "Torn up inside" pretty obvious to its meaning in that I am struggling with something... "I am this time" just means that this time traveling a road/path I have done before now is cause for turmoil within. This time the "ride" is different.

Pretty good. I like this part, probably best of the whole song, which is good, considering it's the part you hear the most. I especially like "Together I feel alone" Good stuff, solid writing right here, not brilliant, but good stuff.. Thanx.. this is what I first came up with... on a litteral ride home.
This verse really seems kind of generic, and, going with my usual main hype, the third line doesn't make much sense, I'd suggest either "embrace what wasn't and isn't in sight.' or "embrace what was but isn't in sight."
because right now, I come off not really liking that line very much. Still, you consistently keep the message of the song running through this, so I suppose a little genericism doesn't hurt, but it also doesn't help.
You make some good points here I think... What I am trying to point to here is the holding on to what "was" as in the past or what is becoming appearant as the end of a time in my life...then to say "...and isn't in sight" refering to my attempting to grasp the future that I know to be coming. Its that "torn up inside" from the first verse. Its trying to move to the unknown future ahead that "isn't in sight" while struggling to let go of "what was". But maybe there is a better way to say it.
I like this, it's simple, and it caps the song pretty well. Still, I don't know which I prefer, the above, or this:
If you do the second, then the second line could definitely use some filler, or at least a punctuation mark. And "Appearance is so dim" would work quite well too.
Probably going to be stuck with the short version of the bridge due to the actual music of the song. WE tried it with the long version but didnt seem to flow. I like saying alot with little so I think I am ok with the short version.
Stuff does happen, but slowly, just keep posting, and the more often you post, the more often people critique, plus, if you critique people, they're much more likely to read and comment on your song. Essentially, just stick to it, keep writing, and keep posting, and it'll get better.
Overall, this is a fairly solid song, keep writing and keep posting!
Thanks again... Appreciate the time
Answer:
You make some good points here I think... What I am trying to point to here is the holding on to what "was" as in the past or what is becoming appearant as the end of a time in my life...then to say "...and isn't in sight" refering to my attempting to grasp the future that I know to be coming. Its that "torn up inside" from the first verse. Its trying to move to the unknown future ahead that "isn't in sight" while struggling to let go of "what was". But maybe there is a better way to say it. Yes, I caught your meaning, and I was saying that I thought that adding a clarification such as '--but isn't in sight" would clear things up at least grammatically. Essentially what you're saying is that it was in sight, however, it no longer is in sight, and "but" is just the conjunction to use in such a case.
I lke your yoda reference I tend to write lines like that from time to time. Don't know why but seems to be a reocurring thing for me. AS far as the line itself: "Torn up inside" pretty obvious to its meaning in that I am struggling with something... "I am this time" just means that this time traveling a road/path I have done before now is cause for turmoil within. This time the "ride" is different. Heh, thank-you.
I wasn't saying I didn't grasp the meaning, I only meant that if you re-arranged the words, it might come off better, but then again, if it's a recurring theme of yours, it could just be your "voice".
Thanks again... Appreciate the time No problem, dude.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Small Yes, I caught your meaning, and I was saying that I thought that adding a clarification such as '--but isn't in sight" would clear things up at least grammatically. Essentially what you're saying is that it was in sight, however, it no longer is in sight, and "but" is just the conjunction to use in such a case.
Actually... that isnt the meaning. The reason i use "and" is cause I am refering to something different. the line is "Embrace what was and isnt insight"
so its "Embrace what was" -- the past "and" ..."Embrace what... isn't insight" meaning the inevitable but unknown future. Make sense? But maybe its best to not try to refer to so opposite of ideas in that way. hmmm...
Answer:
Make sense? But maybe its best to not try to refer to so opposite of ideas in that way. hmmm... Ah-I get it now. "And what-" should work.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Small Ah-I get it now. "And what-" should work.
yeah that is the only other way I can think of without rewriting the whole line. Thanx ;-)