Question:
I can't really say that this is one of my best, but nontheless, it's what I have right now, so have fun, and, sharpen your teeth:
Coffee Beans and Battle Scars

Verse 1:
Coffee beans and scars from burns,
Signs that somehow, sometime we all learn,
Something about life on the whole,
And we gain some semblance of control,
Chorus:
Coffee beans are ground into a bitter, bitter cup,
And scars from burns harden into a bitter, bitter love,
Verse 2:
Dark coffee steaming in warm Styrofoam,
Wispy, wistful dreams to bring you home,
As close as you might ever come,
More than enough miles and then some,

Chorus:
coffee beans are ground into a bitter, bitter cup,
And scars from burns harden into a bitter, bitter love,

Bridge:
Half-hearted cups of coffee help keep me awake,
Safe within the knowledge that loveless hearts don’t break,
But coffee beans get beat up for a strong, jolting taste,
Immediately outlive their use and are thrown out with the waste,
Answer:
The chorus rocks.
I'm not sure that "scars of burns" makes much sense, though. Might want to reword that somehow.
It would be nice to see a little bit of deviation from the overall metaphor, as well.
In His love,
Nate
Answer:
Originally Posted by Nate I'm not sure that "scars of burns" makes much sense, though. Might want to reword that somehow.
Burn scars?
Some of the rhymes felt forced, but it may be that I just was reading it right (phrasing and stuff).
Answer:
It just reads awkwardly. It doesn't sound like something anyone in their right mind would say.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Nate It just reads awkwardly. It doesn't sound like something anyone in their right mind would say. Perhaps "scars from burns" might make more sense?
Answer:
Originally Posted by SupaNova Perhaps "scars from burns" might make more sense?
Yes, I think so.
Answer:
Yeah,
"scars from burns" might work better, but I was thinking more along the lines of when you recieve a burn, the burn itself becomes a scar, or at least the same tissue. I can see how "from" would make more sense, but I would hold that "of" does too. still, maybe I'm not in my right mind
I freely admit that it's far from my best, and that yes, some of the rhymes might come across as cliche.
Thanks for the critique guys, I'll try and put it in action.
Answer:
It's a pretty good song. I liked your other song 10 times better though.