Question:
This is still a little rough, and I realize it may be quite cliche, but it's my latest thing, and I want critique on it...So, go ahead. Sorry that some of the lines are too long for a single line in the post...anyway....
She Walks Again
verse 1:
Fourteen years to the month since she was given to the world in bloody birth,
She walked and watched the amber stars spin in velvet early-year nights,
And gave her shy heart to someone who did not know what it was worth,
And they wasted both of their loves in the green springtime of life,
On nights when the grass was black as soot and wet and cold under bare feet,
They wandered through the dark emerald hills of the forested valleys,
Until the drums and fifes of war called him to the city with their intoxicating beat,
And caught and held him captive in its squirming corners and alleys,
Chorus:
She walks again.
Over mountains; over valleys,
On the sky like on a floor of glass,
In the wind’s cry,
You can hear her,
Calling as she passes,
Where is my love?
A love of the foolish and the very young,
verse 2
The snow was white and echoing with trumpets of victory when he returned,
But his eyes and mind were filled with taverns and a thousand cheap loves,
And in the shadows of returning white horses her soul slowly burned,
From the weight of guilt and the girls of home he chose all the other ones,
She had given all of herself to nothing beyond the hope of retreat or recall,
And she ran from the town with nothing for her in the world but bitter reflection,
She ran until red blood ran from her feet into the white snow that continued to fall,
And thin arms crossed over a shaking heart she froze from the cold and his rejection
Chorus:
She walks again.
Over mountains; over valleys,
On the sky like on a floor of glass,
In the wind’s howl,
You can hear her,
Calling as she passes,
Where is my love?
A love of the foolish and the very young,
Bridge/outro:
When the wind howls in the trees on hills and all the night is awash in the gloaming,
The black thin body of young girl with white arms and sable hair,
That shines blue in the stars and the moon and the wind whips her high voice,
Calling out the sorrows of far too innocent love
Answer:
You have unhumanly good prose. Wow.
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Thank-you man.
Anyone else?
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I read this earlier today but didn't post because I hadn't thought of any critique to give. Now I'm reading again and still can't. It's beautiful; I love it. It doesn't seem cliche at all.
Any chance of a recording?
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I fail to see the cliché lines that you promised me. I feel gypped...
Seriously, this is one of your best pieces yet. I have no critique.
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Not to sound like a broken record, but I also think this is very good. In fact, it's so good this is the only critique I can squeeze out of the song:
Originally Posted by Small She walked and watched the amber stars spin in velvet early-year nights "Early-year nights" sounds awkward to me, of course that's probably just because I don't believe that I've ever heard that term before. I can tell why you assumed it was cliche ridden because the subject matter automatically should be, yet your story-telling elements really give the song a different spin on a well worn topic. And maybe it was just the lengthy sentences, but your prose kind of reminds me of Kevin Max's poetry on Sterotype Be. Great job man
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Hey, thanks. I just assumed it was pretty cliche because the premise was/is.
Originally Posted by bobthecockroach Any chance of a recording? I'll work on it, but I can't really promise anything at this point.
Originally Posted by SupaNova "Early-year nights" sounds awkward to me, of course that's probably just because I don't believe that I've ever heard that term before I don't know where I've heard it before, but in Pennsylvania Dutch, Spring is "Free-jahs" Or, in other words, "Early-year" and for some reason I don't remember, I didn't want to say "spring"
Don't ask why, maybe I should change it.
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Seriously, you NEED to record this song. It's truely an amazing piece of art. Good job!
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Wow. I love it.