Question:
This is a song I've been working on this evening, it's not quite done as you can see but I'd still appreciate some critiques anyway:
People with Pacemakers
1st Verse
Raindrops fall like the spirits of men
They’re proud and swift beneath a cloudy sky
By some coincidence all the streets are wet
Just another thought bent to distract my mind
Through prison windows in a cell I built brick by brick
Where I think far too much and only make myself sick
Throbbing from a heart that's breaking
But not from the toll love might be taking
An electric heart and fake body parts
Machinery ticks to let me live
While flesh bleeds to make me sin
Chorus
If the skin you wear makes you look plain
You are lucky, so be joyful
If the air you inhale isn’t exhaled in vain
You are lucky, so be joyful
For all the potential I still haven’t met
All the disgust I felt and the tears that were shed
Oh my God this feels right, this is worth it I said
Rebuilding myself from a hospital bed
2nd Verse
There’s a girl who wanders all over the parking lot
Placing tickets under wipers wherever they’re deserved
Every day she reminds me of everything I’m still not
Now that I’m cut off from most of my nerves
You see I’ve put my hope in gut instincts before
And suffice it to say, I can’t trust anymore
Content just to sit at a table all alone
Praying that no one would know this
I wonder if anyone ever noticed
If the skin you wear makes you look plain
You are lucky, so be joyful
If the air you inhale isn’t exhaled in vain
You are lucky, so be joyful
For all the potential I still haven’t met
All the disgust I felt and the tears that were shed
Oh my God this is right, this is worth it I said
Doubting myself from a hospital bed
Bridge
Well a few years go by and the marks stay the same
And behind people’s teeth you hear what they really say
Some guys were never meant to look a certain way
So I confessed all my sins in the bottom of a stairwell
Then held Faith one last time and bid her farewell
Was it for religion or for humanity?
God knows I’ll never tell
If the skin you wear makes you look plain
You are lucky, so be joyful
If the air you inhale isn’t exhaled in vain
You are lucky, so be joyful
For all the potential I still haven’t met
All the disgust I felt and the tears that were shed
Oh God this can’t be wrong, this is perfect I said
Lying by myself in a hospital bed
Outro
Made a promise never to say never
Piece the missing pieces back together
But something still doesn’t look right
Every cent and all our gall
Pay surgeon’s tools to fix the flaws
But something still doesn’t look right
Some things never look quite right
Answer:
I really like how it's looking. And I may do a line-by-line later, but for now I'll just say I'm liking the looks of it.
Answer:
Awesome so far. Keep it up with the second verse. Originally Posted by SupaNova Raindrops fall like the spirits of men
They’re proud and swift beneath a cloudy sky Wow. Those are good lines. Very good.
As I read it, I couldn't seem to get all of the lines in rhythm. Maybe you have one, but I couldn't get one in my mind. . .
Answer:
Thanks for the comments guys. I really doubt that I'll have another verse written soon though, maybe this weekend at the earliest. Keep the critiques coming though
Answer:
People with Pacemakers I like this title, but I don't know how well it fits with the rest of the song.
Raindrops fall like the spirits of men In what way are they "like"? Not meaning to sound curt, because I really like it, but a little more extrapollating might be good.
They’re proud and swift beneath a cloudy sky Are you drawing the parrallel here? Because if so, it's brilliant, if not, still really good.
By some coincidence all the streets are wet
Just another thought bent to distract my mind
I like that part, it's totally got your signature "voice" coming through.
Through prison windows
In a cell I built brick by brick
Where I think far too much
And only make myself sick I like this part, (for that matter, I like the whole thing) but the "only" seems just a tad out of rhythm, or something, you could just take it out, or replace it with a one syllable word, whatever, it's still good writing.
Throbbing from a heart that breaking
But not from the toll love might be taking
An electric heart and fake body parts
Machinery ticks to let me live
While flesh bleeds to make me sin "That's breaking" or "That breaking--" Only a small quibble.
If the skin you wear makes you look plain
You are lucky, so be joyful
If the air you inhale isn’t exhaled in vain
You are lucky, so be joyful
Now there’s nothing else I can do
But if the rumors hold true
Chances are you never knew
And that’s my fault too I like this part, nice cap on the verse, it kind of brings things around, plus I always love a little bit of haggard apathy to spice a song up, and this chorus has it. But the last line doesn't make a lot of sense, but maybe I'm not really getting it
2nd Verse forthcoming (hopefully ) Indeed hopefully.
Every kid who looks lonely doesn't want to be a loner
Some nights someone cut and dry may hate being sober
Not every pessimist you meet really wants life to be over
They’ve just put faith in gut instincts before
Now they can’t trust anyone anymore
Now there’s nothing else I can do
But if the rumors hold true
Chances are you never knew
And that’s my fault too Nice. All true, all well-written. It's restating something everyone knows, but nobody knows, good stuff.
Settled never to say never
Piecing the pieces back together
But something still doesn’t look right
Every cent and all our gall
Pay surgical tools to fix the flaws
But something still doesn’t look right
Some things never look quite right I like it, it stays in spirit. It's not as complicated and vague as the rest of the song, but to me an outro is where you step from behind the metaphor and say what you mean, and you did a good job of that. All in all, a very good outing (sports metaphor, sorry.) Please do write a second verse, and soon at that.
Answer:
I don't have time now to give it a Run through but I really like what you have going on here...
Answer:
Originally Posted by Small I like this title, but I don't know how well it fits with the rest of the song. That's probably because it doesn't really connect well...yet. I've acutally had a pacemaker since I was about 3 and this song is kind of about some personal issues I've been thinking about for the last few months. Plus I just thougt the name sounded cool.
Are you drawing the parrallel here? Because if so, it's brilliant, if not, still really good. Yeah, the first two lines are connected by the parrallel.
I like this part, (for that matter, I like the whole thing) but the "only" seems just a tad out of rhythm, or something, you could just take it out, or replace it with a one syllable word, whatever, it's still good writing. "Only" does fit into the rhythm, but I may change it anyway just because it really sticks out whenever I read that part.
"That's breaking" or "That breaking--" Only a small quibble. Ha ha, the sad part is, I'm an english major
All in all, a very good outing (sports metaphor, sorry.) Please do write a second verse, and soon at that. I've actually rewritten the latter part of the chorus so that it doesn't come off so vague and a couple of other minor changes. If I can get in the mood to write another verse I may go ahead and edit the song later tonight, but we'll see. Thanks for the critique man, appreciated as always.
Answer:
I just made some extensive revisions tonight so if you've already made some comments, let me know if the new stuff works. And if you haven't critiqued it yet, well, what are you waiting for
Answer:
I only have the views of a simple man but from my perspective even if it isn't finished it's quite captivating. But that might be cause I have heart problems myself. I can't analize it as much as these guys cause they know what they're doing but you have a real ability to represent others' thoughts. God bless.
Answer:
the modifications make it one of your best--truly amazing.