Question:
This song my friend made, and hes not done with it yet, he only has the first verse and chorus.
V. 1:
Crying in the darkness of a distant world
Fighting evil, thats what I'm here to do
with God I can, I can
What do you? What do I? We all need a wake up call
I want to fight, I want to win, I'm here to win, and I'm going to win
Chorus:
Fl-y into the darkness of night
He will come, come in the light
Fl-y fighting evil that's my right
He will come, and let our souls take flight
(repeat)
Answer:
I understand you guys are pretty young, so there are many years available for you to improve. You don't even want to see lyrics I wrote when I was your age ... they are horrible. But everyone, even Bob Dylan, has to start somewhere. The most important thing is not to give up. Also, when you ask for critism (which is a good way to challenge yourself and get other people's opinions), always thank whoever took the time to do it and try not to argue with them. Through my experience, I have found this is the best way, otherwise people end up hurting each others feelings and taking something that wasn't meant to be personal, on to a personal level. If you don't agree, just leave it at that. It's your song, poem, etc, and it should always be something that YOU are happy with, even if someone else thinks it might not be good.
That said, I think the major problem with these lyrics is that the whole thing seems a little forced and cheesy. What I mean by forced is just that it looks like the writer is just picking out words that rhyme with night, regardless of how much sense it makes. When I read this I got the picture of a white Jesus ninja cutting through the darkness and while some kids may think "THAT'S AWESOME!!!" you may want to reconsider. If that's what you're trying to leave people with, they may not take you seriously.
I have found that lyrics usually sound silly if they are extremely general and don't cater to a specific situation or emotion and it's easier to find yourself writing cliche after cliche. Also, instead of making your lyrics relate to a lot of people, you just kind of isolate everyone. People relate to things that they know, and there are a lot of things you can say that while the situation may not be the same you think, "man, I know how that feels" or "man, I can relate to that." I'm not saying you have to write songs about puppy love or anything like that, but write about your relationship with God and what God means to you, not about fighting obscure evil... or... what is evil? If you want to write about intangible abstract things, you could compare it to something tangible, like what is love? How much does God love us? Be specific, be selective, and be honest.
Remember, just because there are words that rhyme doesn't mean you should feel obligated to use them; there are other poetic devices you could use. Actually, there's no rule that says you have to use any devices at all, or if you do use them, that you have to use them consistantly. Some other things you could play with are things like aliteration, internal rhyming and rhymes that are similar, but not exact (i.e. smoke, cook).
At any rate, good luck, and happy songwriting!