Question:
hey i picked the pen up again, trying to write songs...
for this one i can hear fingerpicking, on an acoustic... i cant play it, but that is what i hear.... anyways
im writing under the influence
the influence of you
i want to hold you in my arms
there is nothing we can do
to make time go by faster
pure thoughts of you, respect for you
is how we know, we dont just go through
the motions of love
we know this feeling is real
this feeling called love
when we're together
i blink and then you're gone
but when we're apart
i can see the dust settle
dont want to miss a moment of your life
as it flashes by
chorus
_________________
meh, its kinda scattered... just anything you have to say at this point will help... ill re-work it, if you give me some poitns to work on....
Answer:
I think its pretty darn great, all in all. If you want to improve it, I'd say most of it is kind of cliche, but it's written well, so its still good. It's just that most of it doesn't really stand out to me, although some of it does, like the opening line and "but when we're apart/i can see the dust settle." That line I especially like. See if you can't tap into the inspiration for the better parts and try to improve the imagery. But, I'll say again, I think it's very good.
Answer:
that last part just killed the song, it's so cliche. i'd try to think of a different way to say that *cough*thesoraus *cough* because that is in countless songs.
but other than that i love the song, esspecially the part about the dust settling, great line dude.
Answer:
oh oh great ideas guys! thanks!
could you specify which part you are talking about dirt jumper? ill use your suggestions and see if i cant come up with some better things!
thanks
jake
Answer:
well the last part would be the part at the bottom of the page... "i will always be there....."
Answer:
oh.. of course.. heh sorry..
i was actually thinking about cutting the whole thing, because i wasnt too sure. it didnt seem to fit in... im just worried tho... like would it be too short then? if i cut that part and then repeated the second verse? im just not sure how long songs are suppose to be. i know i enjoy longer songs, but like some of PODs songs are only one verse... so im not too sure. im gonna cut it out, and see how it looks then...
thanks dirt_jumper