Question:
I'd also like some critique on "To (for) Myself (you)" a little ways down the page. Here's my latest effort.
Who Do You Trust?
Who do you trust
This world that feeds us
Feeds our lust
In wine glass shards
We taste the rubble
And drunkenly search
For long lost trouble
[chorus]
At last we're lost
(mothers, leave your sons)
In lust at last
(a moment will become our truth)
In pages turned
(sons, leave your mother's breast)
And present's past
(and drink a toast to fallen youth)
Who do you trust
This world that feeds us
Feeds our lust
In temple ruins
New arrogance
Dances in vain
In our defence
[chorus]
[bridge]
Suck that hideous strength
From our bones, our broken bones
It's the eyes that implore
The hands that explore
And the body's a whore
The body's a whore
[chorus]
Answer:
Anything? Anyone?
Answer:
its alright...its sounds so hopless
Maybe add in a verse about being a child of God and not being strapped down by sin.
i don't know other then that its good.
Answer:
Originally Posted by MeWithOutMusic its alright...its sounds so hopless
Maybe add in a verse about being a child of God and not being strapped down by sin.
i don't know other then that its good. I think there's worth in showing the despair of life along with the hope. I don't think there must be hope in every song I write. This is more a cry for help from God than anything.
Thanks for the compliments.
Answer:
Dan, I'll critique both your songs later today, I promise. I have to go to the beach first though.

Josh.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Josh Dan, I'll critique both your songs later today, I promise. I have to go to the beach first though.

Josh. Enjoy yourself. Wish I had a beach. And sunny weather.
Answer:
Originally Posted by MeWithOutMusic its alright...its sounds so hopless
Maybe add in a verse about being a child of God and not being strapped down by sin.
i don't know other then that its good.
Nah, I don't think that would work... it's not the right type of song, it just wouldn't fit...
I like it, although, I am wondering, what kind of music would you put it with?
Answer:
Since Josh is apparently having too much fun at the beach I'll take stab at this song in his absence
Who do you trust
This world that feeds us
Feeds our lust
In wine glass shards
We taste the rubble
And drunkenly search
For long lost trouble Great opening, the lyrics are all pretty solid and flow smoothly. I especially like the rubble/trouble rhyme.
At last we're lost
(mothers, leave your sons)
In lust at last
(a moment will become our truth)
In pages turned
(sons, leave your mother's breast)
And present's past
(and drink a toast to fallen youth) Pretty cool, are the lyrics in parentheses BGVs or are you thinking more along the lines of passing lead vocals back and forth?
Who do you trust
This world that feeds us
Feeds our lust
In temple ruins
New arrogance
Dances in vain
In our defence This verse isn't as strong as the first one, but it's not bad by a long run. Repeating the first few lines during the verses adds to the lyrics and ties everything in nicely.
Suck that hideous strength
From our bones, our broken bones
It's the eyes that implore
The hands that explore
And the body's a whore
The body's a whore I guess you were going for the "short 'n' blunt" approach here, eh? The last four lines go really, really well together.
I really can't think of much else to say than great job, because there's not much here that really needs critiquing.
Answer:
Thanks for the comments, compliments, and critique. The parentheses are to indicate both alternating lead vocals and to differentiate between what's being said. Though they alternate and their meanings do merge, they're really two seperate stanzas.
At last we're lost
In lust at last
In pages turned
And present's past
and
Mothers, leave your sons
A moment will become our truth
Sons, leave your mother's breast
And drink a toast to fallen youth.
I put the two together in the chorus because I think the meaning of both is enhanced by being combined in such a way, and I think it will sound cool.