Question:
Something I've been playing with recently...
To (for) Myself (you)
I'm tired of dying for myself
I'll die for someone else
Winners never know any better
And quitters get the best of them
Sometimes
You're building a better martyr
While I'm dying to myself
You're building a better body
While I am dying somewhere else
In the center of existence
Is a hole that must be filled
In the center of a field full of flowers is a hill
At the bottom of a cross
Is a pool of my own sin
At the bottom of my heart a burst of life is once again
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter I'm tired of dying for myself
I'll die for someone else
Winners never know any better
And quitters get the best of them
Sometimes The intro starts out pretty strong with some nice word play, nothing cliche is really jumping out at me.
A mona-lisa masterpiece
Enigmatic and self-assured
Take my self-portrait Short and sweet, but it also seems a little too blunt and rushed. You brougt up some cool imagery here, why not expand on?
You're building a better martyr
While I'm dying to myself
You're building a better body
While I am drifting somewhere else This verse is prett good, although the last line seems out of place with the others.
In the center of existence
Is a hole that must be filled
In the center of a field full of flowers is a hill
At the bottom of a cross
Is a pool of my own sin
At the bottom of my heart a burst of life is once again I think this is my favorite part of the song right now. You would think that the image of being at the bottom of a cross would have been overused long ago by insert CCM group's name here, but it contrasts pretty well with the martyrdom themed lyrics of the rest of the song.
I can't really think of any glaring weaknesses at the moment, probably because it's a great song. Keep up the good writing man.
Answer:
Thank you very much for the critique. It was very necessary. Check the first post for an edit/re-write of the song.
Originally Posted by SupaNova The intro starts out pretty strong with some nice word play, nothing cliche is really jumping out at me. Thank you.
Short and sweet, but it also seems a little too blunt and rushed. You brougt up some cool imagery here, why not expand on? I completely agree. I definitely need to expand on this, but it doesn't fit with the rest of the song. It'll probably end up in another song or poem somewhere down the line.
This verse is prett good, although the last line seems out of place with the others. That last line will be changing somewhat in the re-write. Let me know what you think.
I think this is my favorite part of the song right now. You would think that the image of being at the bottom of a cross would have been overused long ago by insert CCM group's name here, but it contrasts pretty well with the martyrdom themed lyrics of the rest of the song. Thank you very much for the compliments on this part of the song. I wasn't entirely sure about it before.
I can't really think of any glaring weaknesses at the moment, probably because it's a great song. Keep up the good writing man. I appreciate the compliments and critique.
Answer:
I like it, Skeeter... (this is after you made some changes, I think)
It's subtle and deep, but I think the purpose is there.
The second verse is a bit longer than the first... this could be a problem... or not, depending on how the meter is broken up.
All in all, nice work.
Answer:
The second verse is more of a bridge. I don't know if I'm going to write a second verse for it yet.
Thanks for the compliments.
Answer:
Its good...good imagery...But i feel like thier is little emotion...i don't know that could be me...
When i read it i feel like i am just skimming the lines not really soaking everything you have to say in. again this could just be me. Nothing really stands out as a master piece, but all in all its good.
Answer:
Originally Posted by MeWithOutMusic Its good...good imagery...But i feel like thier is little emotion...i don't know that could be me...
When i read it i feel like i am just skimming the lines not really soaking everything you have to say in. again this could just be me. Nothing really stands out as a master piece, but all in all its good. No, I completely know what you mean. Except for the last few lines, my heart wasn't really in this song. It was the first I wrote after a long dry spell, so I think I forced it a little.