Question:
Concrete
(verse 1)
Scars cemented into your trust
They're condemning me to this guilt
I'll let it kill my innocence
And destroy the trust that I've built
(chorus)
You can't know me
You can't know me
You can't know me
You'll never know
(verse 2)
This is the end of who I was
I will never see the same
Concrete goes where I once had love
I try to hide my eyes in shame
(chorus 2x)
(bridge)
Someone hold me
But stay away
Try to know me
From far away
(chorus 2x)
(bridge)
(chorus 2x)
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mara
Scars cemented into your trust
Condemning me to this guilt
Let it kill my innocence
Destroy the trust that I've built
It's okay. I like the idea of "scars cemented into your trust" But really, it doesn't have any specific purpose, that said, as a fairly blank page to draw on, I think it works okay.
But one thing, you should use more modifiers, like "I'll let it kill my innocence/ and destroy the trust that I've built.
You can't know me
You can't know me
You can't know me
You'll never know This really doesn't say much more than the verse did, it seems pretty simple. But as far as that goes, choruses with repetition work better when you hear them than written on paper, always.
This is the end of who I was
I will never see the same
Concrete goes where I once had love
Try to hide my eyes in shame It outlines a little bit more of what you're talking about, but still, it's pretty sketchy. And the last line could use an " and I"
Someone hold me
Stay away
Try to know me
Far away
This may be the most clear part of the song, it really pulls together the threads a little bit, but once again, it could use a little more defining, "but stay away" and "from far away."
Overall it's okay, and if the lack of modifiers is a part of your distinctive "voice" then by all means ignore that part of my critique, but really, I think it flows better with some help.
Another thing--but just a weird comment, I'm getting Legend Of Chin vibes from this song...
Answer:
Thanks for the critique! As far as the defining modifiers thingy, that is slightly intentional, but I will add a few in there just to make it flow better. Thanks again!!!
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mara (verse 1)
Scars cemented into your trust
They're condemning me to this guilt
I'll let it kill my innocence
And destroy the trust that I've built I like the guilt/built rhyme. I disagree with Small: modifiers aren't always necessary. The first line is an interesting image; you should build on it more. Use the image; show, don't tell.
(chorus)
You can't know me
You can't know me
You can't know me
You'll never know This is pretty dull. It may work with music, but the words themselves are cliché. I think you can write better than this.
(verse 2)
This is the end of who I was
I will never see the same
Concrete goes where I once had love
I try to hide my eyes in shame I like "I will never see the same" instead of "be". Twists the cliché a little. The "concrete" image takes a better shape here. The last line isn't very good though. I think you can do better.
Someone hold me
But stay away
Try to know me
From far away A little simplistic, but effective I think. Since you're so clear here in the bridge, I would work harder with the imagery in the verses. You can afford to be a little circumspect in the rest of the song when you're being this clear in the bridge.
This is pretty good. It can definitely use some improvement, but you've got some good lines and phrases that work well.
Answer:
I like it, especially the "scars cemented into your trust" part... as a matter of fact.. I love all of verse 1. I don't see any problems with that...
However, I think the chorus could use some work... like the others said ^ it might sound good to music... who knows? But right now it's a bit dull, but I'm certain you could figure something out to brighten it up a bit...
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mara Concrete
Scars cemented into your trust
They're condemning me to this guilt
I'll let it kill my innocence
And destroy the trust that I've built "Scars cemented into your trust" really is a cool image, so why not build some more onto that image? It just seems to begin the song and then floats away without any real purpose of being there.
You can't know me
You can't know me
You can't know me
You'll never know Yes these lines are cliche, but seeing as the rest of the song is rather simple I can't see why being cliche here would necessarily be a bad thing. Of course, perhaps my lack of sleep is finally catching up to me and clouding my judgement
This is the end of who I was
I will never see the same
Concrete goes where I once had love
I try to hide my eyes in shame Again, I think building on the concrete image would go a long way here too. It would give your song a unified theme that would hold it together like...um..well...like concrete. I'm not seeing how the first two lines are suppose to connect and the 2nd line also seems to contradict the 4th line very bluntly without a clear reason to.
Someone hold me
But stay away
Try to know me
From far away This little bridge is actually pretty good, maybe a bit on the cliche side but it works never-the-less.
I hope this critique doesn't come off sounding too harsh because you have a lot of potiential with this song, I'm just not convinced that you captured all of it in this draft. I'll be interested to read any future revisions you make.