Question:
This is a song I wrote awhile back, and I've always liked it, so I hesitated to expose it to critique, but....I've been turning out duds lately, and this may be no different, anyway, bear your fangs and rip it to shreds.
Flying
verse 1:
The other night I had a dream,
I dreamed that we could fly,
Then taking flight with spreading wings,
We soared beyond the sky,
We found people of beauty there,
The stars shone in their eyes,
Chorus:
But they were cold and empty,
Frozen and afraid,
Terrified that they might fall,
so they stood and played,
softly in eternal twilight,
Love songs that they made,
wanting desperately to live,
but fearing less to fade,
verse 2:
They were beautiful,
Made to dance and love,
But frozen stood waiting for souls,
With imitations of,
all they dreamed they'd one day be,
and then they turned to ice,
Chorus:
They were cold and empty,
Frozen and afraid,
Wanting desperately to live,
but fearing less to fade,
Bridge:
Falling stars,
Falling still away,
return to find their world green,
on some sweet dreaming day,
Chorus:
They were cold and empty,
Frozen and afraid,
Wanting desperately to live,
but fearing less to fade,
Chorus:
They were cold and empty,
Frozen and afraid,
Terrified that they might fall,
so they stood and played,
softly in eternal twilight,
love songs that they made,
wanting desperately to live,
but fearing less to fade,
outro:
The other night I had a dream,
I dreamed that they could fly,
Then taking flight with cold white wings,
they soared beyond the sky.
____________
Well?
Answer:
Well, the contrast between the first verse and the chorus is powerful - "cold and empty, frozen and afraid" smashed to pieces the mental image that the first verse gave me - which is a good thing, since it's that jarring contrast between beauty and fear that you're trying for.
In verse two, "frozen stood waiting for souls / with imitations of..." is quite awkward and a bit difficult to understand.
"Wanting desperately to live / but fearing less to fade" is a good line. It took me a little while to figure out what it was saying, but I can't think of any better way to say that, and the conciseness makes it very effective.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Small Flying
verse 1:
The other night I had a dream,
I dreamed that we could fly,
Then taking flight with spreading wings,
We soared beyond the sky,
We found people of beauty there,
The stars shone in their eyes, This borders on being cheezy; scratch that, it is corny and cheeseball...
Chorus:
But they were cold and empty,
Frozen and afraid,
Terrified that they might fall,
so they stood and played,
softly in eternal twilight,
Love songs that they made,
wanting desperately to live,
but fearing less to fade, ...but that perfectly sets us up for the jarring transition to the bitter and cynical chorus. Good work. Well-rhymed and it flows in a pleasant fashion despite the hardness of the words themselves.
verse 2:
They were beautiful,
Made to dance and love,
But frozen stood waiting for souls,
With imitations of,
all they dreamed they'd one day be,
and then they turned to ice, I like how you've integrated the feel of the first verse and the chorus into this verse, continuing the story.
Bridge:
Falling stars,
Falling still away,
return to find their world green,
on some sweet dreaming day, An injection of hope: nicely done.
outro:
The other night I had a dream,
I dreamed that they could fly,
Then taking flight with cold white wings,
they soared beyond the sky. Interesting outro, taking both the coldness of the chorus and the hope of the first verse and bridge. Satisfying conclusion.
Well? This is a decent song. The imagery isn't as strong as it could be and the writing isn't perfect, but the idea is solid and the execution is good. Keep writing, I'm sure you will improve. But don't just write; read as well. Get your hands on as much poetry as you can.