Question:
This is a two year old song that I've been thinking about dusting off and toying around with, so let the shreadage commence:
Me & Myself vs I
1st Verse
Have you ever felt the weight of the whole world crash around you?
But you’ve never been alone before now
When minding my own business, is no longer an option,
Thanks to your unpleasantries, now it’s become mandatory
And I’m sure you would be sorry, say this wasn’t meant to happen
Still you refuse to tie the knots you so carelessly unwound
But at least you’ll know I’m real when I say
Chorus
That apathy will soon take its hold
It’s really just a matter of time
So go on planning all your schemes
And chasing after all your dreams
I’m only meaning to survive
2nd Verse
Did you ever stop to think that my heart could crack and break?
But you’ve never noticed me before now
So I’ll slouch here as a monument, engraved with all the loneliness
That consumed me through your lies, that betrayed me through your lies
I know that I don’t have to play along, but these roles are so convincing
And cautiousness is the safest guide, at least from a lengthy distance
But at least you’ll know I’m real when I say
(Chorus)
Bridge
Striving to just be me
Wanting to be myself
I will try so hard to comply with everybody else
After all these are those irate times that make heroes out of fools
You may never know my name but at least you’ll know I’m real when I say
(Chorus)
Answer:
Originally Posted by SupaNova
1st Verse
Have you ever felt the weight of the whole world crash around you?
But you’ve never been alone before now
When minding my own business, is no longer an option,
Thanks to your unpleasantries, now it’s become mandatory
And I’m sure you would be sorry, say this wasn’t meant to happen
Still you refuse to tie the knots you so carelessly unwound
But at least you’ll know I’m real when I say
Good. good flow, good image, it's solid.
Chorus
That apathy will soon take its hold
It’s really just a matter of time
So go on planning all your schemes
And chasing after all your dreams
I’m only meaning to survive
Again, I like this. But i think you need to clear up a few things. Who is apathy setting in on? And the last line seems thrown in there with no solid connection.
2nd Verse
Did you ever stop to think that my heart could crack and break?
But you’ve never noticed me before now
So I’ll slouch here as a monument, engraved with all the loneliness
That consumed me through your lies, that betrayed me through your lies
I know that I don’t have to play along, but these roles are so convincing
And cautiousness is the safest guide, at least from a lengthy distance
But at least you’ll know I’m real when I say
This song gets better as it moves along. This is great. Nothing i would change.
Bridge
Striving to just be me
Wanting to be myself
I will try so hard to comply with everybody else
After all these are those irate times that make heroes out of fools
You may never know my name but at least you’ll know I’m real when I say
it's ok. just ok. the me myself and i idea is good, but it's been done before somewhat, not a rampant cliche, but it's not really new. if that made any sense
I really like this song. I had to grasp at straws to get some critique. Good work.
Answer:
I love it. Put out a CD and I will so buy it.
Answer:
Originally Posted by emo_boy Again, I like this. But i think you need to clear up a few things. Who is apathy setting in on? And the last line seems thrown in there with no solid connection. Apathy is setting in on me, or whoever is singing the song. The last line connects with the thought that being apathetic means you don't care either way about anything. So while everyone else is off "planning schemes & chasing dreams" I'm just trying to get on with my life. I hope that clears it up.
it's ok. just ok. the me myself and i idea is good, but it's been done before somewhat, not a rampant cliche, but it's not really new. if that made any sense Well here's the idea I'm trying to convey:
"Me" and "myself" are terms you use to address yourself personally while "I" is what you use to address yourself to other people. So basically it's about a struggle between trying to be who you are VS forcing yourself to be who everyone else expects or wants you to be. I admit that's a complex message to express and I'm not sure if that actually came through in the lyrics.
I really like this song. I had to grasp at straws to get some critique. Good work Thanks Adam, your critiques are always appreciated.
Originally Posted by Mara I love it. Put out a CD and I will so buy it. Ha ha, if I ever get lucky enough to just record anything, you'll be one of the first to know
Answer:
thanks, I enjoy critiqueing when i have the time lol.
Answer:
Anyone else want to take a crack at this one?
Answer:
One last desperate bump.
Answer:
Originally Posted by SupaNova Me & Myself vs I
The title threw me off at first until I completely read it
1st Verse
Have you ever felt the weight of the whole world crash around you?
But you’ve never been alone before now
When minding my own business, is no longer an option,
Thanks to your unpleasantries, now it’s become mandatory
And I’m sure you would be sorry, say this wasn’t meant to happen
Still you refuse to tie the knots you so carelessly unwound
But at least you’ll know I’m real when I say
Ok I like this...It really gives a good intro into what you're trying to say...I like how you keep from using overused words by changing them up a little bit...it ads to your writing...I really like this line..."Still you refuse to tie the knots you so carelessly unwound"
Chorus
That apathy will soon take its hold
It’s really just a matter of time
So go on planning all your schemes
And chasing after all your dreams
I’m only meaning to survive
I like the different rhyme scheme here...I think it really works...I think this could possibly be the weakest part of the song and it's not really all that weak...The lyrics aren't as fresh and convincing as the verse that you started in on...
2nd Verse
Did you ever stop to think that my heart could crack and break?
But you’ve never noticed me before now
So I’ll slouch here as a monument, engraved with all the loneliness
That consumed me through your lies, that betrayed me through your lies
I know that I don’t have to play along, but these roles are so convincing
And cautiousness is the safest guide, at least from a lengthy distance
But at least you’ll know I’m real when I say
I really really like this verse...It's very solid...Though a bit Emo(which I personally like) It's got some very strong imagery...I like the monument to loneliness part...very convincing verse!
Bridge
Striving to just be me
Wanting to be myself
I will try so hard to comply with everybody else
After all these are those irate times that make heroes out of fools
You may never know my name but at least you’ll know I’m real when I say
(Chorus)
I like this part...it's really good...I really like the line about heroes out of fools...
Good work! Keep it up!