Question:
Synthetic Anti-Riot Speech #2
Suppression breeds Rebellion, Hello, Mr Marx
The changing of times finds contentment deep inside our hearts
Thanksgiving approaches and we want off from working in our mines
But it's been holiday all year round at least in our own minds
Incentive to break your leg comes pouring under the cracks
Stay home drinking soup, while your neighbors break their backs
Making snowbourn wonderlands will leave your lungs in pieces
Unseen voyeurs spying through holes in walls to see us
And I'm working for you and I'm working for me
We're slaves to this land...Slaves to all that we could be
Shakespeare's divinity taught us all that we need to know
Ditching peace and comfort as we wallow in the snow
Payphones with someones loved one left hanging on the line
Sobbing here and there, but left alone in their crying
And my garden has all but forgotten about thriving...
Reminders that somehow the only certainty is dying...
But even when you die...you don't end up dying...
Someone save us...
This is just a rough draft of a new song I've been working out...It needs some editing so suggestions are wonderful! Adios guys!
Answer:
I love it! The flow is really good. That's what I liked the most.
I think this part needs some tweaking... it sounds a little repetetive:
But even when you die...you don't end up dying...
Good job!
Answer:
Originally Posted by Opie Suppression breeds Rebellion, Hello, Mr Marx
The changing of times finds contentment deep inside our hearts
Thanksgiving approaches and we want off from working in our mines
But it's been holiday all year round at least in our own minds
Incentive to break your leg comes pouring under the cracks
Stay home drinking soup, while your neighbors break their backs
Making snowbourn wonderlands will leave your lungs in pieces
Unseen voyeurs spying through holes in walls to see us Writing about the working class, eh Comrad Pretty strong, clear introduction to the song. The third line sounds like it may be too long by a syllable or two, but't the only minor flaw I can find. This part also reminds me a tad bit of Weezer's "My name is Jonas".
And I'm working for you and I'm working for me
We're slaves to this land...Slaves to all that we could be It's a little cliche around the edges, but not bad by any means.
Shakespeare's divinity taught us all that we need to know
Ditching peace and comfort as we wallow in the snow
Payphones with someones loved one left hanging on the line
Sobbing here and there, but left alone in their crying
And my garden has all but forgotten about thriving...
Reminders that somehow the only certainty is dying...
But even when you die...you don't end up dying...
Someone save us... This verse doens't seem as cohesive as the first one. The different images don't lead to a similar connection, as far as I can tell at least, and that clouds up your message a little.
Interesting piece, I'll be looking forward to how it eventualy turns out.
Answer:
Nice, sounds pretty cool- I don't have anything wrong with it myself. It made me think of the Russian Revolution for some reason, too. I don't see a real Verse-Chorus-Verse-Bridge whatever pattern in this, though, it just kinda goes on; I'm not sure if thats a bad thing though, just depends on the tune really. Nice job, I wanna see how this turns out!