Question:
Here's a new song hot off the presses...or something.....just critique the stupid song
Between Lives
1st verse
No ma’am, a smile’s never random
Even if it’s too often taken for granted
Random acts of kindness are so juvenile
And I haven’t felt that young in quite a while
When our cell phones were made of tin cans
And I could always call on my best friends
Until these reputations
got the best of everyone
Growing up through all these years
Attempting not to look sincere
Thought you’d respect a man
who could always hold his tongue
Pre chorus
But never mind, I’m just another forlorn guy
Waiting to be cured by a smile
Chorus
I use to reach for the stars
Now I spend my nights trying to get high
I use to dream so big
Now I spend my days just trying to get by
So if you could be so kind
Would you check my vital signs
See I’ve been feeling rather faint
Since I stepped in between lives
2nd verse
Sorry kid, your fake ID is no good here
Just sling a chip over your shoulder, and have a beer
While peering in my glass I see bags under my eyes
They try to blink some strength, but they can’t lie
No girl to help hold me together
Or even comment on the weather
And my last good friend
stopped caring months ago
Running out of time and breathe
I don’t have many options left
And I’ve used up all my favors
For all I know
(pre chorus, chorus)
Bridge
I’m wearing out and wearing thin
I’m wearing the same old clothes again
I’m on my own and unemployed
I’m wide awake and paranoid
Already feels like I’m left behind
Not even sure if I’m still alive
So won’t you check my vital signs
And crack a smile before it’s too late
(chorus)
Outro
Won’t you, won’t you take my pulse
Oh won’t you check my vital signs
Won’t you, won’t you take my pulse
Cause I haven't been convinced I’m still alive
(repeat a couple of times)
Ever since I was stranded in between lives
Answer:
Originally Posted by SupaNova 1st verse
No ma’am, a smile’s never random
Even if it’s too often taken for granted
Random acts of kindness are so juvenile
And I haven’t felt that young in quite a while
When our cell phones were made of tin cans
And I could always call on my best friends
Until these reputations
got the best of everyone
Growing up through all these years
Attempting not to look sincere
Thought you’d respect a man
who could always hold his tongue

I like the imagery here, it starts off strong, but the first few lines give a totally different feeling than the rest of the song, and the development through the first verse is pretty cool too.

But never mind, I’m just another forlorn guy
Waiting to be cured by a smile A little weaker, but it's still got momentum.
I use to reach for the stars
Now I spend my nights trying to get high
I use to dream so big
Now I spend my days just trying to get by
So if you could be so kind
Would you check my vital signs
See I’ve been feeling rather faint
Since I stepped in between lives A better title for the song might be "Vital Signs", since the chorus largely centers around that line, and it's the focal point, in my mind, of the whole song. This isn't the best chorus, but it's simple, it makes your point, and the whole song wraps around it, so all in all, I think it's fitting.
Sorry kid, your fake ID is no good here
Just sling a chip over your shoulder, and have a beer
While peering in my glass I see bags under my eyes
They try to blink some strength, but they can’t lie
No girl to help hold me together
Or even comment on the weather
And my last good friend
stopped caring months ago
Running out of time and breathe
I don’t have many options left
And I’ve used up all my favors
For all I know For some reason the last line is disjointed. Other than that, it replaces the almost whimsical tone from the first verse with cold realism, and the glass as a mirror metaphor is good. It's very autobiographical. The best part of the song. I really like it.
I’m wearing out and wearing thin
I’m wearing the same old clothes again
I’m on my own and unemployed
I’m wide awake and paranoid
Already feels like I’m left behind
Not even sure if I’m still alive
So won’t you check my vital signs
And crack a smile before it’s too late Good again, but the imagery is fading a little bit.
Won’t you, won’t you take my pulse
Oh won’t you check my vital signs
Won’t you, won’t you take my pulse
Cause I haven't been convinced I’m still alive
(repeat a couple of times)
Ever since I was stranded in between lives A nice close out, but it doesn't totally fit, as closers go, it isn't the best, but it wraps it up well. Good song, but not your best.
Answer:
Well, Small did an excelent job of crituque and said exactly what I was thinking. So, thanks Small. lol
Anyways, I really like this song. The transition in the first verse might be a little iffy. But I like that it throws the listener a little and hopefully they'll think about the song.
Great topic, very relatable, though it's done alot you've done it in a different way.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Small A better title for the song might be "Vital Signs", since the chorus largely centers around that line, and it's the focal point, in my mind, of the whole song. This isn't the best chorus, but it's simple, it makes your point, and the whole song wraps around it, so all in all, I think it's fitting. I thought about "vital signs", but the point of the song centers around "in between lives". The first verse is looking back at childhood and the second verse is looking toward adulthood and possible failure, and right now I'm in between those two "lives". I got the idea from my Sociology class, so take that for what it's worth. The vital signs and smile lines are kind of a subtext about just doing caring enough to let someone know that they matter. And that's pretty much the gist of the inspiration.
For some reason the last line is disjointed. Other than that, it replaces the almost whimsical tone from the first verse with cold realism, and the glass as a mirror metaphor is good. It's very autobiographical. The best part of the song. I really like it. Any thoughts for changing that last line? Cause you're right, reading it over again it does kind of look awkward with the rest of that verse.
Originally Posted by emo_boy Anyways, I really like this song. The transition in the first verse might be a little iffy. But I like that it throws the listener a little and hopefully they'll think about the song. Would you care to elaborate on the transition problem?
Thanks for the critiques guys, keep'em coming!
Answer:
No ma’am, a smile’s never random
Even if it’s too often taken for granted
Random acts of kindness are so juvenile
And I haven’t felt that young in quite a while
When our cell phones were made of tin cans
And I could always call on my best friends
Until these reputations
got the best of everyone
Growing up through all these years
Attempting not to look sincere
Thought you’d respect a man
who could always hold his tongue
Pretty good first verse. I think it could still be a little stronger b/c it seems like the song starts out really weak with words, and then you totally change style almost and it gets really strong.
Pre chorus
But never mind, I’m just another forlorn guy
Waiting to be cured by a smile
Chorus
I use to reach for the stars
Now I spend my nights trying to get high
I use to dream so big
Now I spend my days just trying to get by
So if you could be so kind
Would you check my vital signs
See I’ve been feeling rather faint
Since I stepped in between lives
Strong Chorus. I really do like it, it can really relate to a lot of my friends and even me in some parts.
2nd verse
Sorry kid, your fake ID is no good here
Just sling a chip over your shoulder, and have a beer
While peering in my glass I see bags under my eyes
They try to blink some strength, but they can’t lie
No girl to help hold me together
Or even comment on the weather
And my last good friend
stopped caring months ago
Running out of time and breathe
I don’t have many options left
And I’ve used up all my favors
For all I know
I don't quite get, just sling a chip over your shoulder... kinda out of place it seems. It's till a pretty good verse except for certain parts.
(pre chorus, chorus)
Bridge
I’m wearing out and wearing thin
I’m wearing the same old clothes again
I’m on my own and unemployed
I’m wide awake and paranoid
Already feels like I’m left behind
Not even sure if I’m still alive
So won’t you check my vital signs
And crack a smile before it’s too late
(chorus)
Outro
Won’t you, won’t you take my pulse
Oh won’t you check my vital signs
Won’t you, won’t you take my pulse
Cause I haven't been convinced I’m still alive
(repeat a couple of times)
Ever since I was stranded in between lives Pretty good stuff overall.. I like the whole song and might even nominate it for Song of the month honestly. There's a few changes here and there that could possibly be made, but it's one of the strongest worded songs i've read lately.
Answer:
Originally Posted by SupaNova Here's a new song hot off the presses...or something.....just critique the stupid song Scheise, this is a long song.
No ma’am, a smile’s never random I adore this line. Great intro into a song.
Even if it’s too often taken for granted
Random acts of kindness are so juvenile
And I haven’t felt that young in quite a while
When our cell phones were made of tin cans
And I could always call on my best friends Gorgeous. Fantastic lines.
Until these reputations
got the best of everyone
Growing up through all these years
Attempting not to look sincere
Thought you’d respect a man
who could always hold his tongue This isn't as good because the imagery isn't as concrete. Still, it's not bad by any means. But a reputation is a fairly abstract thing; perhaps you could personify it somehow?
Pre chorus
But never mind, I’m just another forlorn guy
Waiting to be cured by a smile Aww...
Chorus
I use to reach for the stars
Now I spend my nights trying to get high
I use to dream so big
Now I spend my days just trying to get by
So if you could be so kind
Would you check my vital signs
See I’ve been feeling rather faint
Since I stepped in between lives Great stuff. This is a solid chorus. The third line ("dream so big") is the weakest part of the chorus.
Sorry kid, your fake ID is no good here
Just sling a chip over your shoulder, and have a beer
While peering in my glass I see bags under my eyes
They try to blink some strength, but they can’t lie You're losing me on the fourth line; "blink some strength" just doesn't make much sense.
No girl to help hold me together
Or even comment on the weather Normally the second line here would make me cry, but here it works. Little bit of dry humour here. I like it.
And my last good friend
stopped caring months ago
Running out of time and breathe
I don’t have many options left
And I’ve used up all my favors
For all I know I like it all except for the last line. It's a pretty weak way of saying it; think of something stronger.
Bridge
I’m wearing out and wearing thin
I’m wearing the same old clothes again
I’m on my own and unemployed
I’m wide awake and paranoid Very nice.
Already feels like I’m left behind
Not even sure if I’m still alive
So won’t you check my vital signs
And crack a smile before it’s too late Don't like the first line, but the rest is good.
Won’t you, won’t you take my pulse
Oh won’t you check my vital signs
Won’t you, won’t you take my pulse
Cause I haven't been convinced I’m still alive
(repeat a couple of times)
Ever since I was stranded in between lives It's not really necessary to post all these lines as they're pretty much repeats of previous lines in the song...
This is solid. The latter half of the first verse needs some work and there's the odd line here and there that could be improved, but this is a good song.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter Scheise, this is a long song. Well some of us just have more to say than others
This isn't as good because the imagery isn't as concrete. Still, it's not bad by any means. But a reputation is a fairly abstract thing; perhaps you could personify it somehow? I would like to connect that section with some stronger imagery, so I'll see what I can come up with.
Awww... humorous remark noted (I think ). The more I read those lines though, the more it does sound like "ladies, please have pity on me" when it's suppose to sound more like "just forget it, nobody give a **** about my problems anyway". So a more apathetic line may take the pre chorus' place in a future edit.
Great stuff. This is a solid chorus. The third line ("dream so big") is the weakest part of the chorus. Really? I would have thought that the "reach for the stars" line would have been worse. Although neither one is a fantastic lyric, I'll admit.
You're losing me on the fourth line; "blink some strength" just doesn't make much sense. I'm sure you've made the connection of that line with the "mirror and eyes" ones, but I agree that the whole section could be a little stronger.
This is solid. The latter half of the first verse needs some work and there's the odd line here and there that could be improved, but this is a good song. All of the weaker lyrics have been noted. Thanks for the critique man, I appreciate it as always.
Answer:
Originally Posted by SupaNova Really? I would have thought that the "reach for the stars" line would have been worse. Although neither one is a fantastic lyric, I'll admit. Nah, the "reach for the stars" line is rescued by the "trying to get high" line following it, but the "dream" line doesn't have that strong a line connected to it.