Question:
I wrote this about three weeks ago..maybe less...I'd love some constructive critisism, or something...cheers
HANDFUL OF STARS (happy birthday)
Water beneath the sun and the sun in your eyes
Did you notice the mountain or was it only I
Who noticed that it was like a watercolor painting on the canvas of the sky
You never noticed I was loving you all the while
And I was fighting the worst of wars
Against myself, against my heart
Hey happy birthday
I'll give you all that I can:
A handful of stars, the patterns of my heart
I've loved you the best that I could
Turn off the sun again and darken the sky
Bring out the stars to play some sort of symphony
Did you ever notice how I felt the sky creeping into my soul, coloring my mind
Did you ever notice me quietly loving you
But I've fought the bitterest of wars
I've won against you and my heart
Hey happy birthday
I'd still give you all that I could then
A handful of stars and the patchwork of my heart
I loved you the strongest that I could
Hey happy birthday
You left my gifts wrapped on the ground
A handful of stars, now you'll never know which they are
I'd keep loving you but I won't
Hey happy birthday
Left my heart unwrapped and broken
A handful of stars, but they've burned out without a smile
I loved you with all that I was
Answer:
I like the consistent metaphor/simile on the sun/water/sky/stars. The only thing is it seems vague. I don't think the first couple line of each verse really connect with the rest of it.
Answer:
HANDFUL OF STARS (happy birthday) I like this title.
Water beneath the sun and the sun in your eyes
Did you notice the mountain or was it only I
Who noticed that it was like a watercolor painting on the canvas of the sky
You never noticed I was loving you all the while
And I was fighting the worst of wars
Against myself, against my heart I like this verse. The first three lines are very good. The last 3 lines, as emo_boy said, don't fit as well with the first 3, but it's only minor.
Hey happy birthday
I'll give you all that I can:
A handful of stars, the patterns of my heart
I've loved you the best that I could This is also great. Don't find anything wrong with it.
Turn off the sun again and darken the sky
Bring out the stars to play some sort of symphony
Did you ever notice how I felt the sky creeping into my soul, coloring my mind
Did you ever notice me quietly loving you
But I've fought the bitterest of wars
I've won against you and my heart I like this one a lot. The first two lines weren't as good as the rest of the verse, but it's still a very good verse.
Hey happy birthday
I'd still give you all that I could then
A handful of stars and the patchwork of my heart
I loved you the strongest that I could
Hey happy birthday
You left my gifts wrapped on the ground
A handful of stars, now you'll never know which they are
I'd keep loving you but I won't
Hey happy birthday
Left my heart unwrapped and broken
A handful of stars, but they've burned out without a smile
I loved you with all that I was To keep from being redundant, I like this song a lot. Very good job. It seems like it'd be a nice song with the style of Jimmy Eat World. Which is definatley a great thing.