Question:
Just finished this song last night, and would appreciate it if you guys would rip it apart for me. Thanks
Jamie Grace
1st verse
She took me for a spin , all I asked for was a ride
Am I still half drunk, or am I back in my right mind
I think she walked down from the clouds
Were those flowers in her hair
She was too cliché to be true
But in the moment, couldn’t say I really cared
chorus
Jamie Grace
With your hands upon your waist
Jamie Grace
This night was always ours to waste
Jamie Grace
Jamie, so full of grace
2nd verse
So she took hold of my hand and refused to let me go
Whatever she saw in me, I wonder if God even knows
Hoping in some hopeless dolt
Must have been her philosophy
Seemed like the earth was at a stand still
Of course, it was probably just me
(chorus)
3rd verse
So the hours turned to days which turned to weeks all by myself
Couldn’t seem to hold a conversation with anybody else
Then chance must of taken pity
When we collided by mistake
Tattered red hair veiling stoned blue eyes
Barley pieced my name together
Must of caught her by surprise
2nd chorus
Jamie Grace
With your hands upon your waist
Jamie Grace
My life was never yours to waste
Jamie Grace
Jamie, falling so far from grace
bridge
Probably crumpled up my number long ago
Just trying to get a one night buzz for all I know
Maybe you were just a fantasy
Embedded into my memory
For once I was heading toward the right place
For once, I walked up at the right time
And once again, I was in love for all the wrong reasons
Then again, I guess that you were too
(2nd chorus, repeated a few times)
------------------------------------
Note: I just realized that the last verse has an extra line Oh well, just ignore the rhyme scheme for now, I'll fix that verse later.
Answer:
[quote=SupaNova]Just finished this song last night, and would appreciate it if you guys would rip it apart for me. Thanks
Jamie Grace
1st verse
She took me for a spin , all I asked for was a ride
Am I still half drunk, or am I back in my right mind It's a good start, a nice way to take it off, we can already basically see where you're going with this.
I think she walked down from the clouds
Were those flowers in her hair
She was too cliché to be true
But in the moment, couldn’t say I really cared
"But in the moment, couldn't say I really cared" seems a little off-rhythm.
Jamie Grace
With your hands upon your waist
Jamie Grace
This night was always ours to waste
Jamie Grace
Jamie, so full of grace It's about the best part of the song, but it doesn't quite include the spirit of verse3/the bridge, but otherwise, it's a strong, catchy chorus.
So she took hold of my hand and refused to let me go
Whatever she saw in me, I wonder if God even knows
Hoping in some hopeless dolt
Must have been her philosophy
Seemed like the earth was at a stand still
Of course, it was probably just me
"and refused to let me go" also seems strange, just as if it didn't totally fit, maybe one syllable too many. Otherwise it goes well, the "Dolt" reference is a little less "sophisticate" than the rest of the song, but it still fits in pretty well.
So the hours turned to days which turned to weeks all by myself
Couldn’t seem to hold a conversation with anybody else
Then chance must of taken pity
When we collided by mistake
Tattered red hair veiling stoned blue eyes
Barley pieced my name together
Must of caught her by surprise I like this verse best of all, it seems more like your cup o' tea. But "of" doesn't work, it should be "must've" or "must have." at least, I think.
Jamie Grace
With your hands upon your waist
Jamie Grace
My life was never yours to waste
Jamie Grace
Jamie, falling so far from grace Beautifully done except for the last line, I might cut out the "falling" reference, unless it's needed.
Probably crumpled up my number long ago
Just trying to get a one night buzz for all I know
Maybe you were just a fantasy
Embedded into my memory
For once I was heading toward the right place
For once, I walked up at the right time
And once again, I was in love for all the wrong reasons
Then again, I guess that you were too
A strong ending, but "then again, I guess, so were you" might work as well as the final line, it seems a little, I dunno, stilted.
All in all, it's a great song, it needs maybe a little touching up. But nothing major, it has that same "There" feeling as your other songs, you really have a gift for songwriting, albiet, sad, angry songs.
Answer:
Thanks for the critique. Yeah, I intend on sitting down and editing a few lines to make them flow better rhymthcally sometime soon. But in the meantime, does anyone else have any thoughts?
Answer:
i'm going to post some thoughts in the morning, it's too late for erika's to be thinking this time of night - but i'm liking it!
Answer:
Originally Posted by Erika i'm going to post some thoughts in the morning, it's too late for erika's to be thinking this time of night - but i'm liking it! Did you have any other thoughts or did you wake up in the morning and realize that it was a piece of crap
Answer:
haha...no, i do have thoughts, but I had to fix someone's computer and it took most of yesterday. today i am going to work at a christian camp near me and won't be back until monday (your sunday) and then i will give you ALL my thoughts. but i leave in about 5 minutes
God bless you...
-erika
Answer:
I'm just giving this thread one final bump to see if I can squeeze a RC out of anyone else.
Answer:
Fine, geez!
Originally Posted by SupaNova Jamie Grace
1st verse
She took me for a spin , all I asked for was a ride
Am I still half drunk, or am I back in my right mind
I think she walked down from the clouds
Were those flowers in her hair
She was too cliché to be true
But in the moment, couldn’t say I really cared Nice. Great intro to the song, theme, characters, mood all introduced well. I especially like "she was too cliché to be true."
chorus
Jamie Grace
With your hands upon your waist
Jamie Grace
This night was always ours to waste
Jamie Grace
Jamie, so full of grace I'm sorry man, but this chorus causes me physical pain. Of course, this is coming from the guy who wrote "Sofia, everybody wants to be ya" and has had to suffer through countless requests from friends to play it. Constantly. This chorus just kinda...hurts. But it might be relentlessly catchy and a crowd favourite. So take my words here with a grain of salt. I did, after all write "Sofia". Oy...
2nd verse
So she took hold of my hand and refused to let me go
Whatever she saw in me, I wonder if God even knows
Hoping in some hopeless dolt
Must have been her philosophy
Seemed like the earth was at a stand still
Of course, it was probably just me Good. "Dolt" seems a little bit hard in the middle of a bunch of soft-sounding words, but that might be intentional. It's not as strong as the first verse, but it accomplishes its purpose and I like it.
3rd verse
So the hours turned to days which turned to weeks all by myself
Couldn’t seem to hold a conversation with anybody else
Then chance must of taken pity
When we collided by mistake
Tattered red hair veiling stoned blue eyes
Barley pieced my name together
Must of caught her by surprise "Chance" doesn't seem to be the right word. "Fate" maybe? Some other personification that would have more of an impact? Furthermore, are you suggesting she was on drugs? Not sure what you're saying in parts of this verse.
2nd chorus
Jamie Grace
With your hands upon your waist
Jamie Grace
My life was never yours to waste
Jamie Grace
Jamie, falling so far from grace Rhythm change has been previously mentioned.
bridge
Probably crumpled up my number long ago
Just trying to get a one night buzz for all I know
Maybe you were just a fantasy
Embedded into my memory Nice. I really like this.
For once I was heading toward the right place
For once, I walked up at the right time
And once again, I was in love for all the wrong reasons
Then again, I guess that you were too This isn't as strong as the first part of the bridge.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter I'm sorry man, but this chorus causes me physical pain. Of course, this is coming from the guy who wrote "Sofia, everybody wants to be ya" and has had to suffer through countless requests from friends to play it. Constantly. This chorus just kinda...hurts. But it might be relentlessly catchy and a crowd favourite. So take my words here with a grain of salt. I did, after all write "Sofia". Oy... I apologize, may you find a more creative chorus to soothe your wounds But yeah, the chorus only exists to be sickeningly catchy and guaranteed to stay in your head for days on end. I kind of came up with the character and the chorus melody, and then wrote the rest of the song around it. Now, I shall have to check out this "Sofia" song....
Good. "Dolt" seems a little bit hard in the middle of a bunch of soft-sounding words, but that might be intentional. It's not as strong as the first verse, but it accomplishes its purpose and I like it. The only words I could think of were "dolt" and "fool" and I figured that "dolt" would at least pack a better punch lyric wise.
"Chance" doesn't seem to be the right word. "Fate" maybe? Some other personification that would have more of an impact? Furthermore, are you suggesting she was on drugs? Not sure what you're saying in parts of this verse. Hmm..."fate" might be a better word for that slot, I shall consider it. As for the girl being on drugs, well...that's kind of the right idea. Since the first part of the song makes her out to be the ideal, "perfect" girl and kind of gives off this dream like, drunken state, I figured why not give her a bit of a hang-over on this last verse. And in hindsight, "stoned" may not have been the best word to use there.
This isn't as strong as the first part of the bridge I haven't really been satisfied with this part either. I can't seem to word it just right, so maybe I'll scrap it and try some new lines there.
Thanks man, your thoughts are always appreciated!
Answer:
I wrote this two years ago. I still get friends asking me to play it. Heck, sometimes I'll play it when I'm alone. It's a bit of a guilty pleasure for me: Sophia.