Question:
Verse 1
Fell in the pit again
Got no idea what i'm missing
You were doing all you could
And things didn't turn out like they should
I'm just another grain of sand on the beach
I'm the one you couldn't teach
Now i'm way out of reach
Chorus
So won't you save me? Won't you save me? Come and save me!
Verse 2
I'm sick of always doing what i'm told
Now there's no place to go, I think this life is getting old
But i know there's a way
Out of this catastrophe
That's killing me inside, so come and save my life
Chorus
Tag
When you're as low as you can go
Put your trust up above
and feel his love x5
Answer:
Someone please critique me, I'm new to songwriting and i want some feedback
Answer:
Originally Posted by rippinforjesus Someone please critique me, I'm new to songwriting and i want some feedback
alrite...
Originally Posted by rippinforjesus Verse 1
Fell in the pit again
Got no idea what i'm missing
You were doing all you could
And things didn't turn out like they should
I'm just another grain of sand on the beach
I'm the one you couldn't teach
Now i'm way out of reach
Ok I like your rhymes here and the pit is cool(you could work on developing that a little bit more because that would be a pretty neat theme) I've heard the grain of sand on the beach a few times...Now I'm way out of reach isn't needed...it's a bit cliche(It doesn't blend as well with the other two lines and you can really omit this) add something different the doesn't necissarily rhyme with that that kind of leads into the chorus
Chorus
So won't you save me? Won't you save me? Come and save me!
This is a little cliche...It's been done...Talk about how in need you are of this saving and why you feel you need to be...develop the idea...think of a wolf when it's caught in a trap and in desperation to be saved so much that it would bite off it's own leg...Your desperation might be a good add in
Verse 2
I'm sick of always doing what i'm told
Now there's no place to go, I think this life is getting old
But i know there's a way
Out of this catastrophe
That's killing me inside, so come and save my life
this pretty cliche and you've deserted the rhyme scheme you had in the first verse
Chorus
Tag
When you're as low as you can go
Put your trust up above
and feel his love x5
5 times might be a little much...I'm not so crazy about the line "put your trust up above..." I know what you're capable of and you could probably do a bit better...
For a new songwriter this song is good...Continue to develop your skills and keep writing...work on the description and try avoiding those cliche rhymes...good job
Answer:
Cool thanks...this is my first song pretty much. I agree with you, i'll try to make a more interesting chorus n stuff...thanks again Originally Posted by Opie alrite...
Ok I like your rhymes here and the pit is cool(you could work on developing that a little bit more because that would be a pretty neat theme) I've heard the grain of sand on the beach a few times...Now I'm way out of reach isn't needed...it's a bit cliche(It doesn't blend as well with the other two lines and you can really omit this) add something different the doesn't necissarily rhyme with that that kind of leads into the chorus
This is a little cliche...It's been done...Talk about how in need you are of this saving and why you feel you need to be...develop the idea...think of a wolf when it's caught in a trap and in desperation to be saved so much that it would bite off it's own leg...Your desperation might be a good add in
this pretty cliche and you've deserted the rhyme scheme you had in the first verse
5 times might be a little much...I'm not so crazy about the line "put your trust up above..." I know what you're capable of and you could probably do a bit better...
For a new songwriter this song is good...Continue to develop your skills and keep writing...work on the description and try avoiding those cliche rhymes...good job