Question:
This is all I have so far...I'm planning on one more verse and a bridge maybe...or maybe not. I don't know if it sucks or if it's good. I'm kinda undecided.
©2004 Tom Danner
verse1:
clamping my lip
words on the tip
of my tongue
it is primed
and ready for action
verse2:
but you pull away
i thought you were playing
don't know what your saying
why are you delaying
*chorus*
you really don't know
how this flirting is hurting me
killing me silently
stabbing me violently
another fresh wound on my heart
bridge maybe? (this is pretty weak):
take me or leave
show me what you mean
i'll try and decode the messages you send
but before i can finish i fear it will end
Answer:
Originally Posted by Flyguy This is all I have so far...I'm planning on one more verse and a bridge maybe...or maybe not. I don't know if it sucks or if it's good. I'm kinda undecided. It definitely doesn't suck. I'd like to see you finish this one.
©2004 Tom Danner
verse1:
clamping my lip
words on the tip
of my tongue
it is primed
and ready for action Awesome! I like how the lines flow into each other in this verse.
verse2:
but you pull away
i thought you were playing
don't know what your saying
why are you delaying Why does this have to be the second verse? Why isn't it just part of the first verse. The rhyming here might be a little much. I'd actually like to see you repeat the structure of verse 1 and rhyme with "action" at the end.
*chorus*
you really don't know
how this flirting is hurting me
killing me silently
stabbing me violently
another fresh wound on my heart Fantastic until the last line, which stabs me with the knife of clichéness. Seriously, the first four lines are great, but you really need something else at the end.
bridge maybe? (this is pretty weak):
take me or leave
show me what you mean
i'll try and decode the messages you send
but before i can finish i fear it will end This is pretty weak. It doesn't live up to the quality of the rest of the song. You can do better! Keep working on this one, I'd like to see how it ends up.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Flyguy verse1:
clamping my lip
words on the tip
of my tongue
it is primed
and ready for action
I really like the flow of this verse, nice wordplay.
verse2:
but you pull away
i thought you were playing
don't know what your saying
why are you delaying
Not bad, but I agree with Skeeter, this verse would work better if you continued the rhyme scheme from the first one.
*chorus*
you really don't know
how this flirting is hurting me
killing me silently
stabbing me violently
another fresh wound on my heart
Wow, this sounds like one of those choruses that can get stuck in your head pretty easily, good job. The last line is a tad cliche, but I'm sure you knew that already.
bridge maybe? (this is pretty weak):
take me or leave
show me what you mean
i'll try and decode the messages you send
but before i can finish i fear it will end I acutally don't think it's that bad, but it could be strengthened a bit with some work.
This isn't the best song you've posted, but there is a lot of potiential here. Keep up the great writing man!