Question:
You wonder why he never told you
With all the secrets that he shared
About the way he felt about you
The span of the couch in between
You knew it even though he didn't say a thing
And you didn't say a thing yourself
About the way you felt about the way he felt
While you ignored the late talk shows
his breath smoked in the crisp December air
like his words were bullets from a gun
as he spoke the words that both of you feared
and they hung in the cloud
one by one, the seconds dripped away
snowflakes hovered in the air
one by one, your words left your mouth
and drifted toward his ear
© 2005 Galen Rappe
Answer:
Originally Posted by guitarfan01 You wonder why he never told you
With all the secrets that he shared
About the way he felt about you
The span of the couch in between Even though you're not rhyming any lines, having "you" end a line twice in the same stanza can only do your song more harm then good and you end up sounding redundent. But other than that, the opening's okay.
You knew it even though he didn't say a thing
And you didn't say a thing yourself
About the way you felt about the way he felt
While you ignored the late talk shows You're beginning to set up and dig a little deeper into the song, but this part still sounds like a slightly more detailed retelling of that last section. The third line is incredibly awkward in the context it's being used and would probably sound better re-worded somehow. I can't think of any suggestions off hand, however.
his breath smoked in the crisp December air
like his words were bullets from a gun
as he spoke the words that both of you feared
and they hung in the cloud I like the "smoking gun" image you developed in the first couple of lines, good stuff. Once again, the last two lines seem to be repeating the first two in a more simplified re-telling.
one by one, the seconds dripped away
snowflakes hovered in the air
one by one, your words left your mouth
and drifted toward his ear These parts are pretty good. Nothing spectacular, but they get the job done.
If you haven't guessed by now, you're main problem is that the whole song is redundant (much like this critque is becoming, ha ha).
I really like the concept you're trying to develope, but you mainly just keep repeating the same thing over and over again running the song around in a circle. It would help if you wrote about the situation in more detail, and if you're purposely trying to keep things vague you don't even have to go into what they're talking about. Maybe you could just go into more detail about your surroundings, the atomosphere in the room, what thoughts are going through their heads, etc. There's a really great song in there somewhere, you just need to chistle away some more to find it.
Keep up the writing man!
Answer:
I agree with Supa, you've got a great song, but you need more description on what it is you're trying to say. I've been there before... with everything I've ever written.