Question:
I'm not much of a songwriter but here goes. This was something I started earlier tonight and it just kind of came together. Tell me what you guys think.. be brutal
So Close to Gone
(Verse 1)
It's cold outside,
But it's colder in here.
Blocked off from everything,
Hidden away in fear.
Everything around,
It all seems so grim.
And the fire inside,
has slowly grown so dim.
.. Slowly grown so dim..
(Chorus)
Slipping away, losing grip.
But still holding on.
I won't let go of you,
But your so close to gone.
(Verse 2)
This light we see,
You know it's slipping away.
Forgetting who we are,
Being led astray.
Threw away our hopes,
Ignored all these dreams.
I guess it must not be,
As bad as it seems.
.. Or could it be worse?..
(Bridge)
I take back all these words,
That were never said.
The only thing I can do now,
Is look to whats ahead.
Answer:
Originally Posted by JC_music07 I'm not much of a songwriter but here goes. This was something I started earlier tonight and it just kind of came together. Tell me what you guys think.. be brutal You want brutal; I can give you brutal.
It's cold outside,
But it's colder in here. Great start. I'm sure it's been said before, but not often enough that it's cliché. In any case, this is a good lead-in: you're giving us both the setting and the mood in two short lines.
Blocked off from everything,
Hidden away in fear. Not as good. Especially with the here/fear rhyme, which has been done to death.
Everything around,
It all seems so grim.
And the fire inside,
has slowly grown so dim. I like these last two lines, as they could have a double meaning: the fire in the hearth and the fire inside your body or soul. That's what comes to my mind at least. I would drop the "so" on the last line as it makes that line too long rhythmically.
(Chorus)
Slipping away, losing grip.
But still holding on.
I won't let go of you,
But your so close to gone. Where is this coming from? Who is the "you" in the chorus?
The first line of the chorus is made up of two clichés. Considering there's only four words in the line, that has to be some sort of record. Think of a different way to say it - your way. Actually, the second and third lines are cliché as well, but a little more forgiveable. The last line could make for a great hook: simple, it flows, and it isn't overly cliché.
(Verse 2)
This light we see,
You know it's slipping away.
Forgetting who we are,
Being led astray. Not bad, but what is this light? This is the first time you mention light as a metaphor so we have nothing to connect it to. It would be better if you continued the metaphors of the cold outside and in as well as the fire as those were the strongest images in the first verse.
Threw away our hopes,
Ignored all these dreams.
I guess it must not be,
As bad as it seems.
.. Or could it be worse?.. I like these lines for some reason. There's a sense of apathy in there. Not sure I like the "could it be worse" part as it takes away the impact of the previous lines. Of course throwing away hopes and dreams is bad; it's a bit of a surprise when you say it's not as bad as it seems, throws us for a loop. The tag on the end just brings us back nice, safe, and sound to our comfortable little live. No! Jar us! Surprise us! Make us realize for ourselves that the apathy is worse than the fact you threw away your hopes and dreams. Get rid of "could it be worse"! Get rid of it as it sucks the life out of the previous lines.
(Bridge)
I take back all these words,
That were never said.
The only thing I can do now,
Is look to whats ahead. First two lines are alright, but the last two are a little bland. Be more specific!
I like a lot of the parts of this song but I dislike some of the choices you made. With some polishing, however, this could be a good song. Keep writing, you have a lot of potential.