Question:
This...is a punk song. It only has one verse, a chorus, and a bridge. The verse is sung twice.
Dark Sky for a Dark Heart
You cast away your indifference
Floating on a raft in the ocean
You poured salt into the wound
And buried yourself in the sand
You cast aside your intolerance
Burning on a pyre in the desert
You cast ashes to the wind
And floated back to the beginning again
[chorus]
Dark heart for a dark sky
You rolled the stars up in a bundle
And drowned them in the lake
Now you watch the sky dying
Dark sky for a dark heart
[verse]
[chorus]
[bridge]
I preferred you when you didn't care
I wish that I was still unaware
You can take your troubles back where they came from
Take your love back where it came from
Take yourself back where you came from
[chorus]
[outro]
Dark sky for a dark heart (repeat)
Answer:
(bump)
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter You cast away your indifference
Floating on a raft in the ocean
You poured salt into the wound
And buried yourself in the sand I'm probably a Hypocrite for pointing this out, but pouring salt into a wound is one of the most common clichés pulled out of the emo kids' tear drenched bag of tricks. Surely you can fit a fresher line into that slot.
You cast aside your intolerance
Burning on a pyre in the desert
You cast ashes to the wind
And floated back to the beginning again Might I suggest taking "your" out of this first line? I think it would flow better that way. The rest of the verse seems pretty solid, but the second line seems like a bit of a mouthful with all of those syllables, however.
Dark heart for a dark sky
You rolled the stars up in a bundle
And drowned them in the lake
Now you watch the sky dying
Dark sky for a dark heart The idea in the chorus is pretty cool. Kind of like you're looking up into this clear, dark sky while in the desert and/or ocean from the verse.
I preferred you when you didn't care
I wish that I was still unaware
You can take your troubles back where they came from
Take your love back where it came from
Take yourself back where you came from The bridge is great, probably the strongest part of the song IMO
Overall the song is a bit rough around the edges, but with a bit of polishing it should turn out well. Keep up the good writing man!
Answer:
Originally Posted by SupaNova I'm probably a Hypocrite for pointing this out, but pouring salt into a wound is one of the most common clichés pulled out of the emo kids' tear drenched bag of tricks. Surely you can fit a fresher line into that slot. I know, and it pained me to use it, but I was thinking salt as in the ocean is salty...part of me screams to change it while part of me wants to keep it there because I'm using the cliché in a different context. I'm really torn.
Might I suggest taking "your" out of this first line? I think it would flow better that way. The rest of the verse seems pretty solid, but the second line seems like a bit of a mouthful with all of those syllables, however. Maybe. I'll have to check how it sounds with the music I've got.
The idea in the chorus is pretty cool. Kind of like you're looking up into this clear, dark sky while in the desert and/or ocean from the verse. Thanks. I'm really happy with the chorus.
The bridge is great, probably the strongest part of the song IMO Heh, that's the part I was most worried about. I still feel like I should fit it with the metaphor of the song a bit more, especially since it doesn't quite fit the music I've got for the bridge. I'll work on it a little, but I don't know if I want to change it too much after hearing this.
Overall the song is a bit rough around the edges, but with a bit of polishing it should turn out well. Keep up the good writing man! Thanks. I'll get to work on the polishing. Still not sure what to do with the salt line though...
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter Thanks. I'll get to work on the polishing. Still not sure what to do with the salt line though...
What if you were to say something like "You poured the water into the wound?" You make the listener think a little bit to get the ocean water = salty bit, and you get a little alliteration to boot...
Answer:
Originally Posted by Jay Tea What if you were to say something like "You poured the water into the wound?" You make the listener think a little bit to get the ocean water = salty bit, and you get a little alliteration to boot... That's an option. I'll consider it. Might not be evident what I'm getting at though.
Answer:
You can now listen to a rough demo of this song (along with a couple others) at http://www.purevolume.com/theneverknown