Question:
this is a very special song, but please feel free to criticize it.
haha- that sounds funny.
but really...
someday maybe i'll actually record it decently and all that blah blah blah
imaginary lines
v.1-
it's friday night in new york city
the lights are brighter than here in l.a.
it's saturday in new york city
and should i call you to see if you're awake?
chorus-
but i don't know what time it is
cause i don't know what zone i'm in
and would you still love me if i called you at 6 a.m.
v.2-
my spirit's on a plane to greet you
my body's stuck here in l.a.
and all i want is just to be with you
and i'm so scared that it's too late
bridge 1-
and there was a time
when i knew you were mine
but my faith has faded,
and now i'm not sure
now i'm not sure...
chorus
v.3-
it's all ablaze in new york city
the setting sun traces skyscrapers on fire
with flames of hope and longing
i know these thoughts of you will keep me awake...
bridge2-
and all we're separated by
are these imaginary lines
that cross the earth and make it smaller than it was before
i can't pretend that they're just knitting us together tonight
chorus(diff. lyrics)
and what does it matter what time it is?
what does it matter what day it is?
what does it matter?
as long as i know
you're here in my heart...
it's saturday in neew york city,
and should i call you to see if you're awake...
hmm, much better with music. and the order is still not set in stone. the 3rd verse i'm not sure about. i end up playing it about half the time...
oh well, i like it.
Answer:
Originally Posted by bitsy2005 this is a very special song, but please feel free to criticize it.
haha- that sounds funny.
but really... I'll give you some critique. I won't be as harsh as I might be in a proper RC, but this song deserves some attention.
someday maybe i'll actually record it decently and all that blah blah blah Please do; I'm interested in how this one sounds.
imaginary lines
v.1-
it's friday night in new york city
the lights are brighter than here in l.a.
it's saturday in new york city
and should i call you to see if you're awake? I like it, I like it. Good specifics, you immediately let us know what's going on in the song. Great intro. Reminds me of Ace Troubleshooter's "2:00 Your Time" (It's 2 o'clock your time/midnight mine/and I could die to have you here).
chorus-
but i don't know what time it is
cause i don't know what zone i'm in
and would you still love me if i called you at 6 a.m. Hehe, I like this chorus. I like how "time" and "zone" occur in the same place rhythmically in both lines, giving us the phrase "time zone" without ever actually saying it. The last line is priceless.
v.2-
my spirit's on a plane to greet you
my body's stuck here in l.a.
and all i want is just to be with you
and i'm so scared that it's too late First two lines are great, but the second two retread what you've already said in the song. Plus the rhyming you/you is not so great. It's okay when it's new york city/new york city as "-ity" isn't a common rhyming sound, but it doesn't work as well with "you." Say something new in the last two lines of this verse.
bridge 1-
and there was a time
when i knew you were mine
but my faith has faded,
and now i'm not sure
now i'm not sure...
I could see this bridge being really heartbreaking if set to the right music. It almost makes me cry just reading it. The first two lines are a little cliché, but that's alright.
v.3-
it's all ablaze in new york city
the setting sun traces skyscrapers on fire
with flames of hope and longing
i know these thoughts of you will keep me awake... This is kind of a mood shift or a thematic shift or something. You haven't been speaking in these kinds of metaphors throughout the song so this verse seems a little out of place. Maybe that's why you weren't sure about keeping it here? Plus, you've dropped the rhyme scheme of the other verses. It's not a bad image, in fact it's kind of pretty, but it's out of place.
bridge2-
and all we're separated by
are these imaginary lines
that cross the earth and make it smaller than it was before
i can't pretend that they're just knitting us together tonight Nice. Good metaphor. It fits with the song and doesn't stick out like the fire metaphor in verse 3. I really like this bridge.
chorus(diff. lyrics)
and what does it matter what time it is?
what does it matter what day it is?
what does it matter?
as long as i know
you're here in my heart... This is a little lot schmaltzy. That might work great if you're singing this for a loved one, but in front of an audience it'll just be cheese. It's too melodramatic compared to the rest of the song which stops just short of melodrama. It's a hard thing to do, to write a sad kind of romantic song without being melodramatic, but this song does it until this second chorus. I'd either re-write this second chorus or just use the first, personally. But that's just me.
it's saturday in neew york city,
and should i call you to see if you're awake... This is a fitting place to end.
hmm, much better with music. and the order is still not set in stone. the 3rd verse i'm not sure about. i end up playing it about half the time...
oh well, i like it. I like it too. There are some rough spots that could use some polishing, but on the whole you have a fantastic song here. It's tough to write this kind of song, but you've done a great job. The second chorus needs work and I'm not sure about the third verse, but on the whole this is great.