Question:
Hey guys. For those of you that read the first one. I rewrote it. Completely new music, completely new words. I'm a lot happier with this one.

------------------------------------------------
-verse 1-
it was a warm day in december
but all that i remember
was the time that i spent thinking
that i had surely lost my cause
so i closed my eyes and raised them up
to keep my head from sinking.

-verse 2-
i shut my mind off for the evening
i made advances, you received me
my chest felt like it would decay
because the blood that pumped into my heart
solidified and broke apart
and tore holes through all of my veins.

-chorus-
i don't know why i've been waiting
no, i don't know why i'm still waiting.

-verse 3-
every single word i said
was written out and drilled into my head
and it was easy
to formulate a sound response
that kept you warm and satisfied for once
and you believed me.

(chorus)

-bridge-
for what it's worth, i was living in disguise
for what it's worth, i would take back all my lies
because every time i spoke a word
i knew for a fact i'd never heard
i was spiteful, and i despised them
each and every one.
------------------------------------------------

The only part I might have a problem with is the bridge... just the first two lines. It feels different from the rest of the song. I don't know why.

Josh.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Josh
-verse 1-
it was a warm day in december
but all that i remember
was the time that i spent thinking
that i had surely lost my cause
so i closed my eyes and raised them up
to keep my head from sinking.

-verse 2-
i shut my mind off for the evening
i made advances, you received me
my chest felt like it would decay
because the blood that pumped into my heart
solidified and broke apart
and tore holes through all of my veins.

-chorus-
i don't know why i've been waiting
no, i don't know why i'm still waiting.

-verse 3-
every single word i said
was written out and drilled into my head
and it was easy
to formulate a sound response
that kept you warm and satisfied for once
and you believed me.

(chorus)

-bridge-
for what it's worth, i was living in disguise
for what it's worth, i would take back all my lies
because every time i spoke a word
i knew for a fact i'd never heard
i was spiteful, and i despised them
each and every one.
------------------------------------------------

The only part I might have a problem with is the bridge... just the first two lines. It feels different from the rest of the song. I don't know why.

Josh.
I don't like when songs have "Remember" and "December" as a rhyme. I've heard it used and it doesn't sound right... like the songwriter couldn't think of a better one. But that's just some wierd personal feeling, I'm not really critiquing your song. I also feel that way about any song besides "Sadie Hawkin's Dance" that ryms 'better' with 'sweater'. But i must say this song is really nice... i like the first two lines of the bridge, no problem with that. it goes with the rest of the bridge. nice job.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Orionsbelt I don't like when songs have "Remember" and "December" as a rhyme. I've heard it used and it doesn't sound right... like the songwriter couldn't think of a better one. But that's just some wierd personal feeling, I'm not really critiquing your song. I also feel that way about any song besides "Sadie Hawkin's Dance" that ryms 'better' with 'sweater'. But i must say this song is really nice... i like the first two lines of the bridge, no problem with that. it goes with the rest of the bridge. nice job. December and remember work for me, because I was making a point. It was warm, in December, which is significant. But the fact pales in comparison to what was actually on my mind.

No one will RC?

Josh.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Josh Hey guys. For those of you that read the first one. I rewrote it. Completely new music, completely new words. I'm a lot happier with this one.

------------------------------------------------
-verse 1-
it was a warm day in december
but all that i remember
was the time that i spent thinking
that i had surely lost my cause
so i closed my eyes and raised them up
to keep my head from sinking.
The only thing that really bugs me about this verse (and the next) is the way the rhymes are set up. They seem a little unorthadox.. if that makes sense. Like.. I don't know how to explain it. From my point of view they go like this..
1
1
2
3
3
2
(obviously numbers that are the same are the rhming lines).. it's weird. But I think I like the idea...

-verse 2-
i shut my mind off for the evening
i made advances, you received me
my chest felt like it would decay
because the blood that pumped into my heart
solidified and broke apart
and tore holes through all of my veins.
The first two lines are great. The third is a little awkward.. so is the fourth. But that goes away somewhat when you get to the fifth line with a rhyme.

-chorus-
i don't know why i've been waiting
no, i don't know why i'm still waiting.
Josh! I was suprised when I got to this.. it's so short and unlike the rest of the song,.. it is very simple and lacks imagery.. I'd be willing to take it for what it is if there's a good tune. otherwise.. I would make improvements with some different and more interesting concepts.
-verse 3-
every single word i said
was written out and drilled into my head
and it was easy
to formulate a sound response
that kept you warm and satisfied for once
and you believed me.
neat! I really like this.. it's probably my favorite verse of the three. Great job.

-bridge-
for what it's worth, i was living in disguise
for what it's worth, i would take back all my lies
because every time i spoke a word
i knew for a fact i'd never heard
i was spiteful, and i despised them
each and every one.
Hmmmm... I don't really know what to say to this... I don't know if I necessarily dislike it.. but I don't think that I like it. It's okay towards the end, but the beginning doesn't sound very interesting.. "for what it's worth" is and will always be a great line.. but the ends of both lines are a little dry. I don't really know what else to add. That's all!
I like the general presence that the song has.. I'd really like to hear a recording if you're able to do one.
~ Liz