Question:
Here's the lyrics to a song I wrote a few weeks ago. What do you think?
God of the Meek
Verse 1:
Lost without direction you're drifting on the sea
So much for being all that you can be
Hopes are shattered, broken on the floor
You're future is tattered; ambition is no more
Your dreams are gone, you're at the end of your rope
But in Christ, God offers hope

Chorus:
Blessed are the poor in spirit
Wounded, weary, worn, and weak
They are those who inherit
The kingdom of the God of the meek (repeat line)
Verse 2:
The taste of rejection is bitter in your mouth
Your friends are all leaving like birds heading south
You've started reassessing all those social goals
you say "it's so depressing" -that statement's getting old
Let me tell you something you really need to hear
You've got a friend in Jesus so wipe away your tears
Repeat Chorus
Instrumental Verse
Repeat Chorus, w/key up a step
Answer:
Originally Posted by legionbenji Verse 1:
Lost without direction you're drifting on the sea
So much for being all that you can be
Hopes are shattered, broken on the floor
You're future is tattered; ambition is no more
Your dreams are gone, you're at the end of your rope
But in Christ, God offers hope
Very nice.

Chorus:
Blessed are the poor in spirit
Wounded, weary, worn, and weak
They are those who inherit
The kingdom of the God of the meek (repeat line)
A little bit cliche...this is weaker for me than your verses, and you usually want to try and make the chorus the strongest part (lyrically) of the song.
Verse 2:
The taste of rejection is bitter in your mouth
Your friends are all leaving like birds heading south
You've started reassessing all those social goals
you say "it's so depressing" -that statement's getting old
Let me tell you something you really need to hear
You've got a friend in Jesus so wipe away your tears
Again, very nice. I like the "friends are all leaving like birds heading south". The only thing I have to say about it is that you could change "You've got a friend in Jesus so wipe away your tears" to "You've got a friend in Jesus, he'll wipe away your tears" .. but that's just small little thing..keep whichever one you like better.
Yeah..I really like this...I think if you get a stronger chorus in there it will be really good.
Answer:
I will change that last line as you suggested. I agree the chorus is a bit cliche. I'll replace the second line of the chorus with something more original. Thanks for your input.
Answer:
I just happened upon this song and i really like your writing style, but i'd have to disagree with flyguy about the chorus and say that it is awesome you are using scripture and even if it is "cheesey" it is better to use scripture and let the music decide if it will sound cheesey b/c the word of God is very powerful. Keep up the good work!
peace_Sarah_
Answer:
Originally Posted by Slorh24 I just happened upon this song and i really like your writing style, but i'd have to disagree with flyguy about the chorus and say that it is awesome you are using scripture and even if it is "cheesey" it is better to use scripture and let the music decide if it will sound cheesey b/c the word of God is very powerful. Keep up the good work!
peace_Sarah_
I am trying to decide whether I should thank you or make sure that you find your way to a sanatorium. I appreciate your compliment, but I am not quite sure how you dug up this relic. It's been months since I posted this.
Anyway, when Flyguy he said the chorus was cheesy I think the main part that was cheesy was the "wounded, weary, worn and weak" which I have since replaced with "those who know their need." The new line doesn't really add a whole lot of depth, but it does eliminate the clichedness. Also since, I have replaced the first two lines, b/c I wanted to create a more specific situational struggle. The second verse specifically relates to a loss of social status and popularity, so I decided to make the first verse related to a loss of career ambitions, so I changed the first two lines to
"you stood on your career, but now you've lost your feet.
So much for being all that you can be"
Anyway, thanks again for the compliment. You have also done me a huge favor in that you reminded me I need to post some of the songs I have written since this one. Thanks.
Answer:
i know this song has already been rc'd, but im gonna say my peice anyways.
I like this song, i noticed you used alot of rymes.
tho, that can mess a song up alot of times
but in this case it didnt.
i guess im in a charitable mood today, cause i really havnt given any song negatory feedback accept that second one in your other thread.
thumbs up!