Question:
VS.1
As consistent as the rising and setting of the sun
These highs and lows are as just as hot an item
And these days clinging onto ourselves will never get us through the woods
And darkness was never as friendly as it looked
Time to think is time well spent if you're a fan of sharp regret
How we live is who we are and who we are is nothing much
But nothing much is alot when it comes to what death's got on us
Chorus:
Climbing stairs that spiral upward
Breathing hard and charging on
And as we finally reach the last step
We turn around and somersault
On down, on down VS.2
We're losing our grip on all the things we learned through living our lives
Or are we just refusing to accept that we're not who we wish we were?
Torturing ourselves with our own selfish emotions
But loving every second of our slowly waning health
And the lighter inches closer to our gasoline soaked hearts
Ashes scattered by a silent breeze, the only thing worth reflecting on tonight
As I lay here I have time to think....
And this regret is killing me
Bridge:
Now I scream "WHO AM I?"
As I try to die Inside
Ending:
How can we recycle
All this time that through the years
Brought us joy, brought us pain
Brought us loss, brought us gain
Answer:
I like this. And even though I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now, I'm going to instead critique this song. Feel honoured.
Originally Posted by Jesus&Jake VS.1
As consistent as the rising and setting of the sun
These highs and lows are as just as hot an item The second line here is the only one that I really don't like in this song. It's just a little too flippant and might even come across as silly. There might be a better way to say what you're trying to say.
And these days clinging onto ourselves will never get us through the woods
And darkness was never as friendly as it looked
Time to think is time well spent if you're a fan of sharp regret I like these lines a lot, especially the third one here. Well chosen false rhymes in all three lines.
How we live is who we are and who we are is nothing much
But nothing much is alot when it comes to what death's got on us I like these lines, but the second one seems that it would be awkwad to sing. Too many syllables I think.
Chorus:
Climbing stairs that spiral upward
Breathing hard and charging on
And as we finally reach the last step
We turn around and somersault
On down, on down Not bad, but not as good as the verses. Also, you're changing imagery completely from what we're hearing in the verses, which might throw some people off. I did the exact same thing in my latest song, so I might seem like a bit of a hypocrite, but try to connect the images throughout the entire song.
I'm assuming the "on down" part provides a decent lyrical hook to drive the song forward into the next verse. What style is this song? Sounds like it could fit a hardcore or screamo vibe fairly easily.
VS.2
We're losing our grip on all the things we learned through living our lives
Or are we just refusing to accept that we're not who we wish we were? Both these lines are longer than their counterparts in the first verse. Does that present a problem? The lines could probably be made shorter; there's a lot of excess verbiage.
Torturing ourselves with our own selfish emotions
But loving every second of our slowly waning health
And the lighter inches closer to our gasoline soaked hearts These lines don't have the nice false rhyming of the first verse, but they're still pretty good. I like the sound of "slowly waning health" and the image presented in the last line. You managed to use "hearts" without making it cliché: well done.
Ashes scattered by a silent breeze, the only thing worth reflecting on tonight
As I lay here I have time to think....
And this regret is killing me The last line here is a great echo of the thoughts in the first verse. The continuity from the previous lines suggests the heart caught on fire and was burnt up without explicitly saying it: very nice.
Bridge:
Now I scream "WHO AM I?"
As I try to die Inside Even though this is cliché it makes for a great bridge. All the "I" rhymes are great.
Ending:
How can we recycle
All this time that through the years
Brought us joy, brought us pain
Brought us loss, brought us gain Good word choice with "recycle." The last two lines would make for a great repeating fadeout at the end of the song. Very well done.
This is a great song. There's a few lines that could use some work I think, but for the most part it's great. Do you have music for it yet? Can you post a recording?
Answer:
hey skeeter, thanks for the props....when i wrote this song i kinda felt in the back of my mind that maybe the 2nd line in the song didn't fit just because it was the only line that had a little bit of humour in it....i just might change it.
as far as the chorus goes....yeah it does kind of re-adjust your attention on something different then what the verses are proclaiming, but i guess i felt that i should put it nice and simple so it kind of strays away from the verse thought process. a little variety, ya know?
as far as what style of song it is....you basically nailed it down, i was writing it with a hardcore/scream-o vibe in mind...but i was also looking to write something that could easily be switched to an acoustic song with maybe a little "emotional yelling" mixed throughout...esp. on the bridge....as thats pretty obvious.
oh, i'm working on music for it, i'm starting it out acoustic for now, mainly because i'm not in a band right now, but i'm sure i'll add some overdriven powerchords, a 'lil backbeat, & thump'n bass sometime. i'm not sure about recording it yet, i'll be sure and post it if i do though!
Answer:
Originally Posted by Jesus&Jake VS.1
[center]As consistent as the rising and setting of the sun
These highs and lows are as just as hot an item i didnt even want to continue reading cause these first two lines were so disappionting....
Originally Posted by Jesus&Jake Chorus:
Climbing stairs that spiral upward
Breathing hard and charging on
And as we finally reach the last step
We turn around and somersault
On down, on down i am very glad that i did indeed continue on, because this chorus is amazing. the only thing i would change is the word charging... it's still good though.
Originally Posted by Jesus&Jake VS.2
We're losing our grip on all the things we learned through living our lives
Or are we just refusing to accept that we're not who we wish we were?
Torturing ourselves with our own selfish emotions
But loving every second of our slowly waning health
And the lighter inches closer to our gasoline soaked hearts
Ashes scattered by a silent breeze, the only thing worth reflecting on tonight
As I lay here I have time to think....
And this regret is killing me
Bridge:
Now I scream "WHO AM I?"
As I try to die Inside
Ending:
How can we recycle
All this time that through the years
Brought us joy, brought us pain
Brought us loss, brought us gain OVERALL, very good song. i am completely enamered. good stuff... but i dont like the word recycle, gasoline, and the phrase "ashes scattered" isn't the most original idea either... but great stuff overall.
gasoline... kerosine, propane
charging... crusading, toiling
recycle... i dunno... i just dont like it...