Question:
Here's something I've been working on lately. And I'd like to apologise for not doing much critiquing lately. I hope to get around to all of the recently posted songs soon. Things are a little hectic right now though.
Old Letters
We swallowed the afternoon
With a cup of water
And a glass of gin
We opened up old letters
And laughed at things we said
When we were younger
The edges of the page
Could barely contain
The excitement found within
Let's sit on the porch swing
And write out these old letters once again
[Chorus]
I wish I could take these memories
From my lips so they'd never remember
And every kiss became something brand new
I wish I could taste these memories
On my lips so I could always remember
Your lips on mine
Oh they tasted fine
My fingers trace the letters
On the crinkled page
And smiled to myself
I never let you notice
The mix of gin and water
In my emotions
The corners of my eyes
Can barely disguise
The pain I feel within
I'll sit out on the porch swing
And read these old letters once again
[Chorus]
Answer:
I like it, very good visuals!
Answer:
That was really good Skeeter. I've always liked your songs. You seem to steer away from being a cliche writer, and your talent and maturity is clearly reflected through your choice of words and subject matter. You've impressed me.
Answer:
Thank you very much for the compliments. Any problems that you can see? Anything that needs fixing?
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter And I'd like to apologise for not doing much critiquing lately. dont worry about it dude. through all the work and classes, i have barely been able to write, much less post about other ppl's work. Blessings on your warm heart for caring.
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i hope that didnt come across to femmy...
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter Here's something I've been working on lately. And I'd like to apologise for not doing much critiquing lately. I hope to get around to all of the recently posted songs soon. Things are a little hectic right now though. this guilted me into critiquing you song, thanks a lot, Dan..
No, not really.. I just like it.
Old Letters
We swallowed the afternoon
With a cup of water
And a glass of gin
We opened up old letters
And laughed at things we said
When we were younger
The title seems somewhat... boring. Try taking something small out of the song, or something relative. I have the same problem with titles.. I just write down what is said most, which is.. imo, not the most creative. hah.
But, the first couple o flines definitely open up your ears/eyes as to what is going on. It's a very good, intriguing start.
The rhyme is very subtle, which I think I like,.. and I don't even know if the rhyming was intentional. My only comment on the rhyming is the 's' on the end of 'letters' in the fourth line. I don't think it's much of a problem with music.. it just bugs me visually.
The edges of the page
Could barely contain
The excitement found within
Let's sit on the porch swing
And write out these old letters once again
I like this, it's pretty straight forward, and yet you find some depth to the words.
[Chorus]
I wish I could take these memories
From my lips so they'd never remember
And every kiss became something brand new
I wish I could taste these memories
On my lips so I could always remember
Your lips on mine
Oh they tasted fine
This is a good chorus.. but it drifts away from the "Old Letters" theme you had going. It still has the remeniscing theme, but it'd be cool if you incorporated the letters, too.
The third line somewhat confuses me, though. Like, the 'and' is probably what does it.. it creates a setting that doesn't make sense. Are you saying that you wish every kiss became something brand new?
My fingers trace the letters
On the crinkled page
And smiled to myself
I never let you notice
The mix of gin and water
In my emotions
another good start to a good verse.. I really like it.
I'm assuming that the thrid line is meant to say, "And I smiled to myself"
The whole gin and water idea is good, as well.
The corners of my eyes
Can barely disguise
The pain I feel within
I'll sit out on the porch swing
And read these old letters once again
I think that this is a good way to end the verse, but I think that it could have been more intense in the third line than, "the pain I feel within".. I think that is a bit of a cliche..
Alright.. I really enjoyed this song, it's a refreshing peice because it's full of new and interesting ideas. I want to hear a recording.
Swank