Question:
Stuff happens and sometimes songs come from that. Here is an example:
While You Were Sleeping
1st Verse
Lifetime by a candle light
Just weak enough to save my life
Eyes too bloodshot to recognize
The irony for what it’s worth
Pencil marks on an incomplete song
One night stand that went so wrong
Wide awake hours after she’s gone
Numbing my last nerves
Lonely hearts pine for even lonelier streets
Where the only souls around are the ones beneath your feet
Funny how the girl I adore the most
Was the one who flinched first and left me so alone
Pre Chorus
Somehow I’ve found bravery
In the form of naivety
Chorus
This is what I've been thinkin
While you were sleepin
Holding out for any reason
To pray the world shouldn't end
2nd Verse
Lifetime by a candle light
Two a.m. central standard time
Still sober enough to wonder why
I've collapsed under my pale skin
Hands etched around the grip of a cell phone
Sign of warmth in a bittersweet cold
In a small town that can’t feel like home
At least it never will again
We never managed a successful vignette
She’s always hooked on other lips like cheap cigarettes
Now its all I can do not to choke
Breathing with a broken heart through secondary smoke
(Pre Chorus)
(Chorus)
Bridge
Well phone calls are so hard
And trading letters takes too long
And your e-mail’s been down
So I’ll just finish this song
Write the words you’ll probably never know
But they’ll haunt me everywhere that I go
While You were sleeping (3x, almost screaming)
(Chorus, 2x)
Outro
Lifetime by a candle light
Just weak enough to save my life
Answer:
You are really getting very very good with your words... RECORD IT!!!

Josh.
Answer:
Thanks Josh, I'd really like to record some stuff, but I have no equipment/software to work with. I don't even have one of those lousy PC mics that everyone seems to have.
So... does anyone have a critique? That would be dandy.
Answer:
Originally Posted by SupaNova Stuff happens and sometimes songs come from that. Here is an example:
While You Were Sleeping
1st Verse
Lifetime by a candle light
Just weak enough to save my life
Eyes too bloodshot to recognize
The irony for what it’s worth
Pencil marks on an incomplete song
One night stand that went so wrong
Wide awake hours after she’s gone
Numbing my last nerves
Lonely hearts pine for even lonelier streets
Where the only souls around are the ones beneath your feet
Funny how the girl I adore the most
Was the one who flinched first and left me so alone
Good stuff...I really like the word choice in this verse alot...just really good!
Pre Chorus
Somehow I’ve found bravery
In the form of naivety
Chorus
This is what I've been thinkin
While you were sleepin
Holding out for any reason
To pray the world shouldn't end
a bit more cliche than the verse I noticed...aside from being a bit cliche it fits well with the song
2nd Verse
Lifetime by a candle light
Two a.m. central standard time
Still sober enough to wonder why
I've collapsed under my pale skin
Hands etched around the grip of a cell phone
Sign of warmth in a bittersweet cold
In a small town that can’t feel like home
At least it never will again
We never managed a successful vignette
She’s always hooked on other lips like cheap cigarettes
Now its all I can do not to choke
Breathing with a broken heart through secondary smoke
I really really really really like this verse...so descriptive and just great...Not a bad thing in the world
(Pre Chorus)
(Chorus)
Bridge
Well phone calls are so hard
And trading letters takes too long
And your e-mail’s been down
So I’ll just finish this song
Write the words you’ll probably never know
But they’ll haunt me everywhere that I go
While You were sleeping (3x, almost screaming)
(Chorus, 2x)
Outro
Lifetime by a candle light
Just weak enough to save my life
Nice ending...Ties up the emotions that you left so raw in the verses...Leaves a sense of completion
You really have a way with words...props!
Answer:
one word....."WOW". it prefectly reveals the emotion inside, i don't think you could revise it to make it better at all, if you did it'd prolly take away from it. great job!! its too bad we didn't have more songs on the radio with this type of lyrical creativity. keep it up!
Answer:
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|I'm with him on this one. wow. nothing to change at all. it is the best song i have read on CGR for a while... great job!
Answer:
Wow...thanks alot guys, I appreciate all of the positive comments(though I'm not sure if this song is really this deserving) I may rewrite a couple of lines (mostly for rhymtic issues) and I'll probably drop the pre-chorus, since it just seems to be wasting space.
Thanks again everyone!