Question:
I just jotted this down for the past couple of days... I think it needs work, and more structure. Come to think of it, it's also pretty cliched. I'm just wondering what you guys think of it.
This can't be an accident, I'm sure of it
There has to be blyss, some sort of sweetness
I'm waiting for a miracle, something to ease my wretched soul
But waiting for you is waiting for a falling star
They never come, no matter how close you are
If the world caves in, I hope by then I'll find
The secretive beauty behind your brilliant mind
I'm afraid of pretend hope, and I can't play dead
And I'm eager to miss what lies ahead
Take an ax to it, guys.
Answer:
I wish I had something to say, besides "it's got cliched lines and rhymes." Sorry.
Answer:
Originally Posted by guitarfan01 I wish I had something to say, besides "it's got cliched lines and rhymes." Sorry. I wish I could disagree with you.
Answer:
Would you mind hopping a couple threads down and taking a look at my song entitled "Winter Song"? I have not had a single comment on it, and I'm desperate for someone to tell me whether it's any good.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mattlock I just jotted this down for the past couple of days... I think it needs work, and more structure. Come to think of it, it's also pretty cliched. I'm just wondering what you guys think of it. I think...
This can't be an accident, I'm sure of it
There has to be blyss, some sort of sweetness I really like these two lines. They make me want more. Except, "bliss" is spelt with an "i" not a "y".
I'm waiting for a miracle, something to ease my wretched soul
But waiting for you is waiting for a falling star
They never come, no matter how close you are First line is painful. Not sure why. The last couple lines aren't awful. They could work in the right context.
If the world caves in, I hope by then I'll find
The secretive beauty behind your brilliant mind I think with something other than "if the world caves in" (which seems much too Jimmy Eat World), these could be great lines.
I'm afraid of pretend hope, and I can't play dead
And I'm eager to miss what lies ahead Not bad. The second line redeems the first here. "Pretend hope" just seems awkward.
Take an ax to it, guys. Eh, it's not as bad as you seem to think it is. It's got potential, but that's all it's got right now.