Question:
this is a song i wrote for electric, but my band decided to do an acoustic version. the recording quality isn't the greatest, and there's a few mistakes. these two things i'm already aware of (so you dont need to tell me the recording quality is bad.) but other than that, critique at will...
The Glass Paperweight
to listen: http://www.purevolume.com/forfeiture
lyrics: http://forfeiture.tripod.com/lyrics/...aperweight.htm
Answer:
I haven't heard the song yet, but I'm going to critique the lyrics.
that half hearted smile is getting old
you walked through the door
you left me out in the cold
(i don’t want to see you anymore, i don’t want to see you anymore)
that empty look that’s in your eyes
is it really you
or is it your disguise
(i don’t want to see you anymore, i don’t want to see you anymore) Good intro to the song. Gets across the meaning in a straightforward fashion and sets up the listener for the rest of the song. The only issue I have is with the first three lines. "You walked through the door" insinuates that she's leaving, going out, but in the next line you're the one who's outside. Unless you're saying that she's going inside (which is entirely likely but unclear) then it doesn't make sense. A little more clarity would help.
if i could trade this minute for one second last year
i’d hold it dear, hold it dear (oh so dear) Nice. So emo, but there's nothing wrong with that. I'd probably want to do some wordplay with "hold it dear" and "my dear" or something of that sort, but that's more a personal choice.
i’m sick of singing every song to you
(i can’t take this)
i’m sick of singing every song to you
(i can’t take this) I like the line, but if this is a chorus like I'm assuming, I want a bit more meat. One line repeated tends to get old fast.
but then i feel the way i did so long ago
do you see through my eyes and do you know
that i’m falling to pieces Not bad. It's a little cliché though.
take me back to the day so long ago
i saw through your eyes, i wont let go
(i can’t let go) Same as before. It's cliché.
i feel so sick when i see your fake smile
i know what it’s like cause i’ve seen it real
is this just the way it is
are you just like me
this is why my pen touches the paper
cuz thoughts flow like rivers in spring
but why do i keep writing
why do i write this song for you I like the idea behind the first two lines but I think you could word it better. It seems really awkward. I like the rest of this bridge, though some cliché phrases and metaphors sneak their way in. Try to avoid them as much as possible. A couple here and there are alright, but don't depend on them. I really like the last line though, bringing it back to the chorus. It's a good thought.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter Nice. So emo, but there's nothing wrong with that. I'd probably want to do some wordplay with "hold it dear" and "my dear" or something of that sort, but that's more a personal choice. haha, very emo it is. that's a good idea with the hold it dear/my dear thing...i may have to use it.
Not bad. It's a little cliché though.
Same as before. It's cliché. yeah, that's true. i'll try to rewrite some of that.

I like the idea behind the first two lines but I think you could word it better. It seems really awkward. I like the rest of this bridge, though some cliché phrases and metaphors sneak their way in. Try to avoid them as much as possible. A couple here and there are alright, but don't depend on them. I really like the last line though, bringing it back to the chorus. It's a good thought. the lines "are you just like me" and "why do i write this song for you?" are the only ones that are actually sung. the rest is sort of background talking. so it's not really supposed to flow as much.
Answer:
Originally Posted by PunkRocker the lines "are you just like me" and "why do i write this song for you?" are the only ones that are actually sung. the rest is sort of background talking. so it's not really supposed to flow as much. Ah, cool. I guess I need to listen to the song.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter Ah, cool. I guess I need to listen to the song. please do. i'd like to get some feedback on the dynamics of the music itself.
Answer:
it really reminds me of A Decade Under The Influence with the Don't wanna see you anymore/I've got a bad feeling about this...Its good stuff though! props!