Question:
I'm new to songwriting, so i definitely need some guidance and advice..here are two poems i wrote. the first one i wrote about a year ago and the second one just about a week or two ago. Are they worthy of adding to music?
~Not a Wallflower~
Am I a wallflower?
Sitting in the shade
While memories are made
No, this isn't how it always is
But my life sure isn't all showbiz
I do all i can
To be part of the clan
But get left behind
I don't want to be a wallflower
This is so absurd
I know it's not all about me
But some things are meant to be
I'll learn from this
Life isn't all bliss
I keep keepin' on
No matter what's wrong
I won't be a wallflower
I'll play my part
In this world of art
Please understand
I've learned first hand
It's my chioce
To stand out against the traffic noise
(aight now that i read that...its sorta cheesy, but bear with me here)
~My Comfort~
If I would paint a picture
It would be of your love
How it swarms me all day
and shines light from above
You're the only one who knows
The pain I'm going through
Though unlike other people
I look up and I see you
Your love surrounds me
It gives me strength to face my day
When I'm tired and I'm weary
You shine your light to show the way
I'm huddled in the corner
But I know that I'm to blame
I guard my heart and shy away
I hear you call my name
Your voice entrigues me
So smooth and flowing
I sit on the edge of my seat
True life to me You're showing
When the clouds come drifting in
Your sunshine breaks through
Giving me hope to go on
And that hope comes from You
Oh, all-knowing God
Kind and gentle Father
Give me strength to face this day
And make it through without a bother
Because I know You are the One
Who made it all so perfectly
And if You can do that,
You can certainly help me
Thank You for being here
Standing at my side
Every minute of my day
You're there, along for the ride
-Alright..i know these aren't the greatest things you've heard, but i need some critiscism. Thanks for reading!
Answer:
I like both of them... but the second one seems smoother. They both have pretty good imagery.
Originally Posted by one8trevo
~My Comfort~
If I would paint a picture
It would be of your love
How it swarms me all day
and shines light from above
You're the only one who knows
The pain I'm going through
Though unlike other people
I look up and I see you
Maybe change "other people", God is not usually referred to as a person.
Of, course, put them to music! Some things look plain and odd (not yours... but some..) on paper but sound alive and different when coupled with music and voice.
Keep writing!!
Answer:
I would have to say stop trying to force a rhyme. Some of the stuff just makes the poem sound odd. A lot of the rhymes seem to be forces and in tern throws it out of loop.
Answer:
yea, i was sorta thinking the same things when i was typing it. some of the rhymes sound just really cheesy. if you have any suggestions on subsitutions for these rhymes-gone-wrong, just lemme kno!
Answer:
I liked the second one best. Sometimes after writting a song that hasn't any music to it yet, changes when music is added so my advice is to go for it and see how you feel about it.
Answer:
i agree with saying the second one is better. i think the first one, i tried really hard to make it good. the second one, i just let my pen flow, and really wrote what was going on in my heart. it makes me excited to hear the praise from you guys. but if theres anything bad, honestly, feel free to tell me! thnx!
Answer:
I was reading your first one again to see why I choose the second one over the first and its only a couple of words, the word "showbiz" it makes me feel weird? and the "clan" is really clashing with the showbiz word??? that is just how i feel about it, I really liked everything eles in it tho. I think the first could be just as good as the second. Am I a wallflower? that's cool
Answer:
I think that for the first on in between the second and third line something like "watching around me" would word and then instead of "while" use "As" other than that, I will think about it. I hope this was helpful.
Answer:
The second one was really awesome; I liked it. If you put it to music, tell us how it goes!