Question:
And the clouds faded off the battlefield
All that's left is my body on the ground
I wonder "what is the meaning of this all?"
As I listen to the screams of hate and death all around
I cry for a drink, gasping for a breath.
Will I learn the meaning of your touch
And will I try and stay alive
As the enemy draws near, I see the sting
The sting of hatred that fills their eyes.
They mumer their words of death
And I can sense they are directed at me.
I have a feeling this is it
That nothing's left and that all is done
Suddenly, lightening fills the sky
It strikes the ground next to me.
Frightened, I look around, searching
Searching for something to ease the pain.
The sky opens up, and a light blinds me.
I drop to my knees, and a fire starts to burn.
I stare for a while, in amazement of this blaze.
With a breath of hesistation, I jump in.
You've burned me up, and now I'm free.
And after all, it wasn't over,
It had just begun...
So, whad'ya guys think? I'll try and revise it to make it less "poemish" and more "songish".
Edit: BTW, this is RC, so RC away!
Answer:
I will start by saying that i like it b/c of the compelling imagery. I see a man facing the battle of his life, and finding that he is not enough. He finds he needs help from someone bigger than him. props. I really like the peom setup!! The poetry allows you to be thorough in your discription. if you made it into verse and chorus (i.e. song) form, you would need to shorten it, cause its just to long... on one hand, i would hate to see it shortened, b/c i like it so much, but i really like the part i picked out (in my head) for the chorus. have altered it a lil bit for your viewing pleasure... Originally Posted by skilletswitch The sky opens up, and a light blinds me...
...You've burned me up, and now I'm free.
And after all, it wasn't over,
It had just begun...
[...the miracle (or phenomenon) in me] so i added this last part b/c i didnt like the ending you had. that's my one criticism. i dont like to be left hanging that badly. I dont have a definate conclusion on which form i like better. i love em both. if i had to tell you, b/c of threat to my life, i would say to make it a song. Simply b/c i am prejudiced to songwriting. I will encourage you to do whatever your heart says. God bless, Dazz
Answer:
Originally Posted by skilletswitch And the clouds faded off the battlefield
All that's left is my body on the ground
I wonder "what is the meaning of this all?"
As I listen to the screams of hate and death all around
I cry for a drink, gasping for a breath.
Will I learn the meaning of your touch
And will I try and stay alive
As the enemy draws near, I see the sting
The sting of hatred that fills their eyes.
They mumer their words of death
And I can sense they are directed at me.
I have a feeling this is it
That nothing's left and that all is done
Suddenly, lightening fills the sky
It strikes the ground next to me.
Frightened, I look around, searching
Searching for something to ease the pain.
The sky opens up, and a light blinds me.
I drop to my knees, and a fire starts to burn.
I stare for a while, in amazement of this blaze.
With a breath of hesistation, I jump in.
You've burned me up, and now I'm free.
And after all, it wasn't over,
It had just begun...
So, whad'ya guys think? I'll try and revise it to make it less "poemish" and more "songish".
Edit: BTW, this is RC, so RC away!
This, like DAZZL said, is filled with wonderful sights. I can picture almost every line.. it draws the reader in. Very nice..
My only suggestion is to make the lines seem to flow a little smoother. Some of them are a little blunt.. not necessarily in a bad sort of way, just the way the are worded, they feel a little edgy or uneven from the rest of the rhythm i see here..
I would have to disagree with DAZZL on the length. Length is not your priority here. Your priority is to make it read nice.. when you are concerned with music, I would worry about length. Even then, if the tempo is somewhat upbeat.. well.. not even upbeat.. just faster than most would think it would be.. it might turn out to be a very good 4-5 minute song.
I really like what you have here..
I will go ahead and edit the title to say (RC)..
Blessings,
Swank
Answer:
Hey thanks guys!
Dazzl, I'll try to make it into a song. I'll post it here when I do!
Swanky, I agree with you on the length. Usually songs are better long. IE Worlds Apart. What lines did you think were blunt?
Answer:
Originally Posted by skilletswitch Hey thanks guys!
Dazzl, I'll try to make it into a song. I'll post it here when I do!
Swanky, I agree with you on the length. Usually songs are better long. IE Worlds Apart. What lines did you think were blunt?
Well, there are just some lines that seem awkwardly worded or longer compared to a lot of the others.. I don't know if they work with the way you say them or what.. but here is an example of what I think sounds awkward:
The sky opens up, and a light blinds me
this starts out alright... but the second half, after the comma, sounds really blunt. 'and a light blinds me' just doesn't sound pleasant. maybe try taking out the 'and'.. I'm not sure. It just sounds a little misplaced..
Blessings,
Swank
Answer:
I see. Thanks. When I revise it, I'll fix hat.