Question:
Please critique. Please. It still needs a bridge: keep that in mind.
Hate
Love has become such an empty word
I should say it more often to you
I only dust it off when the emotion's stirred
Or when I want to make you feel bad
So saying "hate" is my only recourse
The only way to say what I mean
And maybe once I'm done we can go back to the first
When love seemed so brand new
Chorus:
I hate not being with you
I hate the way I treat you when I've had a bad day
I hate being alone
I hate it when you don't phone
I hate it when you walk away
Love is such a cliché when you use it right
It's what everyone sings about
I hope you don't mind when I say it tonight
The moment after we've share our last kiss
And I'll hate it when you open the door
And disappear up the stairs
And I'll wander aimlessly and find an open space
Where I can see the stars and forget for a while that...
Chorus
Answer:
i like the line where you say "And maybe once i'm done we can go back to first". i find it clever, but with the melody that came into my head when i started reading the lyrics, it just sounded a bit cheesy. maybe it's just me.
Answer:
Originally Posted by guitarfreak217 i like the line where you say "And maybe once i'm done we can go back to first". i find it clever, but with the melody that came into my head when i started reading the lyrics, it just sounded a bit cheesy. maybe it's just me. Hurm. It's interesting that the melody in your head would make it sound cheesy. Can you explain why the melody is what specifically made it sound cheesy?
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter Please critique. Please. It still needs a bridge: keep that in mind.
Hate
Love has become such an empty word
I should say it more often to you
I only dust it off when the emotion's stirred
Or when I want to make you feel bad
after reading the title I had a completely different expectation of the song than what it really is. I like that you catch the listener off guard. I like these lines. They're solid. I like the idea that you have to "dust it off", indicating that your relationship maybe doesn't have as much emotion as you would like, seeing as how it sits long enough to collect dust.
So saying % " is my only recourse
The only way to say what I mean
And maybe once I'm done we can go back to the first
When love seemed so brand new
Again a solid verse. nice flow, coherent thoughts, good.
Chorus:
I not being with you
I the way I treat you when I've had a bad day
I being alone
I it when you don't phone
I it when you walk away
Cliche, but there's no other way to say it, so i find no problem with it.
Love is such a cliché when you use it right
It's what everyone sings about
I hope you don't mind when I say it tonight
The moment after we've share our last kiss
i don't like this first line. Saying love is a cliche when used RIGHT i think is contradictory. I understand what you're saying, that in songs it's overused, but i think you should change that first line a little. I'd think that when used right, love will become meaningful.
And I'll it when you open the door
And disappear up the stairs
And I'll wander aimlessly and find an open space
Where I can see the stars and forget for a while that...
Chorus Good. it starts out a little cliche, but with those last two lines you really save it. Good work tying it into the chorus.
I like it, keep up the good work.
Answer:
Thanks man, I appreciate the critique. With the "cliché" line, I was simply making the point that when you use the word "love" in a sentence properly, it's a cliché. Saying "I love you so much" is a cliché, but it's also the right thing to say to your loved one.
Yeah, the chorus is pretty cliché, but it's just how it came out.