Question:
Ok, the title needs work and so does the rest of the song, but plz tell me what you think SO FAR!!!
Ya know, fate wasn't supposed to be this way
I always dreamed of how it would be
but now everything is changing
everything is failing me
and a shade so blue
of how life has turned its back
when we were little
the angels watched over us
but along with the sun
they fell into the night
our Father's hand we held so tight
our fathers hand we held so...
Thats all right now.
Answer:
Originally Posted by GrabMyEyes Ok, the title needs work and so does the rest of the song, but plz tell me what you think SO FAR!!! Will do. Please note that you did put RC (Ruthless Criticism) in the title, so I'm going to be honest. But I will try to temper the truth with love.
Ya know, fate wasn't supposed to be this way First off, drop the "ya know." It's a colloquialism that doesn't need to be in the lyrics. Even if you sing it that way, it's more something that is added on, not an actual part of the song. And if you do want it to be in the lyrics themselves, please spell it "you."
It's an interesting thought that you have in this first line. Fate, an uncontrolled controller turning out different than it was "supposed to be." I'm intrigued by this start.
I always dreamed of how it would be You always dreamed of how fate would be? I need some context. What did you dream fate would be?
but now everything is changing
everything is failing me Again, context is necessary. What is changing? What is it changing from? What is it changing to? What is failing you? Why?
and a shade so blue
of how life has turned its back There's a bit of a disconnect here. What is this "shade so blue"? It's a little too abstract and since we don't have anything concrete to connect it to, it just doesn't work.
when we were little
the angels watched over us
but along with the sun
they fell into the night
our Father's hand we held so tight
our fathers hand we held so... This now...this is great. First four lines are fantastic, especially the sun/night metaphor. Very smooth. I like the switch from "Father" to "father." This is a solid, concrete reference. You've got a nice metaphor that isn't at all abstract. This is what the rest of the song needs to be. The first verse is just too abstract. Take a look at the questions I've asked and see how you might answer them in an interesting way.
Seriously, you have a great chorus here, but it needs to be matched up with some solid verses. Keep up the writing, never stop.