Question:
i, the ever amazing Dazz, am going to endeavor to keep everyone "posted" (hehehe) on all the new songs i have written, i write songs/poems like about 2-3 a wk... some good, some smell like ... so sit back and get ready to hold onto your seats...
Answer:
HERE- a very hard/skreemo song

the light streams down upon me
and illuminates my brain
kiss me with your care
before I go insane
but you wont, you deny
you just took me for a ride
here I stand, open and
I can no longer hide

Chorus 1
are you there?
are you there?
do you really even care?
are you there?
are you there?
or are you gone?
are you there?
are you there?
Do you even have a heart?
are you there?
are you there?
I fall apart...

I send out the signal
my last chance for relief
you reach out your hand
and slowly pull me by my sleeve
and you are there! you arrived
I touch you now, I believe
no others, Jesus
lover and your fief
Bridge
and because you're near,
i can stand on my feet
i can take on my fear
and every problem that i meet
Chorus 2

you are there!
you are there!
I need not despair
you are there!
you are there!
here we are
you are there!
you are there!
now I can bear
you are there!
you are there!
everything because you are near.

not my best stuff...
Answer:
FALLEN-this is my fav song right now...

I have fallen
from a mountain top
because the winds
have pushed me away
I have fallen
from security
because my sins
have go in the way

pre-Chorus
I have said all the wrong words
and I can never take them back
everyone who hears me speak
wonders why they've been attacked
Chorus
you understand what I mean when
my dumb words don’t come out right
when I live to short of loving
I'm still precious in your sight

I have hurt her
and it's possibly
the worst thing
I've ever done
I have hurt me
because I have shot
down the love
that I have won

pre-chorus
chorus
Bridge
you simply see
the best of me
and love me
uncondition'ly

chorus
bridge- fade out whispering
Answer:
BURNOUT

this is a story of a burnout boy
and how he turned out
to be a toy
he could have pressed on
and found true joy
instead, he fell to
satan's ploy

pre-Chorus
he had potential
(that boy couldn’t miss)
he could have turned out
(so much better than this)
instead, he let pride control
and would not let go-o-woah-woah

Chorus
just give in and crumble under
the pier pressure
of the world's pleasure
just commit this simple blunder
you'll be burnt out
and six feet under

Verse 2- see below...
PRE
Chorus
Chorus...
there is another whole verse to that song, for it is a song... music, guitar and everything... but I lost it... I only have the part I memorized... sry... i'll post it when i remember...
Answer:
i would really like ppl to comment and tear these songs to shreads... figuratively speaking... i would love ne good suggestions... All for the Glory of God!!!
Answer:
would some kind and gracious mod please bestow upon me the grace of having the !!!CR!!! in the thread subj. changed to !!!RC!!! please!?! and thank you.
Answer:
I'll take a go at the first song. Please take these suggestions constructively to improve.
Originally Posted by DAZZL HERE- a very hard/skreemo song It's "screamo" actually.
the light streams down upon me
and illuminates my brain
kiss me with your care
before I go insane
but you wont, you deny
you just took me for a ride
here I stand, open and
I can no longer hide I like the second line. The third line is interesting, but it seems disconnected from the rest of it. The last four lines are pretty cliché and it would actually be more interesting if you continued on with the light and kiss metaphors instead.
Chorus 1
are you there?
are you there?
do you really even care?
are you there?
are you there?
or are you gone?
are you there?
are you there?
Do you even have a heart?
are you there?
are you there?
I fall apart... Ugh. Sorry man, but this is gross cliché. "Heart/apart" is a very, very overused rhyme...the repetition just gets on my nerves...this is just a lousy chorus. Sorry.
I send out the signal
my last chance for relief
you reach out your hand
and slowly pull me by my sleeve
and you are there! you arrived
I touch you now, I believe
no others, Jesus
lover and your fief Hehe, I like the fourth line; I like the image that Christ grabs you by the sleeve rather than you reaching out your own hand. It's Christ doing all the work! Good line.
The latter half of the verse is a little weak. Also, since "fief" is such a weird word, it jars the reader/listener. I don't think that's a good word choice. It seems like you just used a rhyme dictionary to get that word as it isn't a natural word choice. Besides, it doesn't make any sense:
fief n. 1. an estate of land held on condition of feudal service. 2 a person's area of operation or control.
I can understand what you're trying to say, but you can't get around the fact that you just described yourself as an area. It doesn't work. If you expanded on the image in some other way it might work, but as it is it's just weird.
Bridge
and because you're near,
i can stand on my feet
i can take on my fear
and every problem that i meet This is cliché too. I might be saying that a lot. Please, use your own words! They're bound to be more interesting than these clichés. We all tend to gravitate toward clichés because they're easy; everyone understands what we're trying to say immediately. But they're also stale and boring. You are a unique person with unique life experiences and a unique perspective: use that to your advantage! You're bound to have a different way of expressing your thoughts about the world if you really try.
Chorus 2

you are there!
you are there!
I need not despair
you are there!
you are there!
here we are
you are there!
you are there!
now I can bear
you are there!
you are there!
everything because you are near. Again, cliché-ridden. No good.

not my best stuff... Oh good! I'll take a look at your other songs as well.
Answer:
Originally Posted by DAZZL FALLEN-this is my fav song right now... Cool. It's great to have songs you feel good about.
I have fallen
from a mountain top
because the winds
have pushed me away Nice. The first two lines kind of turned me off as they're pretty cliché, but you rescued it with the winds metaphor.
I have fallen
from security
because my sins
have go in the way This is a little blunt. I like how it mirrors the first half of the verse, but it's a really blatant way of explaining the metaphor you just used. Good structure though.
pre-Chorus
I have said all the wrong words
and I can never take them back
everyone who hears me speak
wonders why they've been attacked Interesting. A bit of a shift from the verse which was talking about falling and now you're talking about uplifting language, but we'll see how you bring it al together...
Chorus
you understand what I mean when
my dumb words don’t come out right
when I live to short of loving
I'm still precious in your sight Whoa, we've gone completely away from what you were saying in the first verse. It's not a bad chorus I guess, but it's a little disconcerting to completely lose the theme that the song started off with...
Also, "right/sight" is a very overused rhyme. That's not necessarily bad, but anything you can do to set yourself apart in your songwriting, to give yourself a unique voice, is a good thing.
I have hurt her
and it's possibly
the worst thing
I've ever done
I have hurt me
because I have shot
down the love
that I have won Okay...I like how you're at least staying with the same theme from the pre-Chorus and the Chorus, but this verse is pretty blunt. I'd rather see some imagery that shows us rather than tells us what you mean. There's a reason Jesus spoke in parables: an interesting story, metaphor, or image stays in the head far longer than a moral and has far more depth.

Bridge
you simply see
the best of me
and love me
uncondition'ly This is really simplistic and cliché.
bridge- fade out whispering Do you have a reason for ending the song this way? Is it just so that it sounds good or do you have a deeper meaning you want to bring out by whispering the bridge at the end? You should always be looking for ways to get across your meaning, even through the way the music builds, sustains, and ends. It's something that comes with time, practice, and thought, and it's definitely not something I'm very good at. But it's something to keep in mind. Are you expressing shame in this song? Then whispering might be the way to go. If you're expressing anger at yourself, then screaming or a louder more chaotic ending may be the best solution. Do you want to bring the story of the song to a conclusive end? Then you'll want a conclusive musical ending to go with it. If you think this is a story that will continue on for a while, a fadeout or a repetitive ending might work best. Always be thinking of what is best for the song.
Answer:
Originally Posted by DAZZL BURNOUT

this is a story of a burnout boy
and how he turned out
to be a toy
he could have pressed on
and found true joy
instead, he fell to
satan's ploy Oy! That's a lot of "oy" rhymes, which might get on some people's nerves. I like the idea of a "burnout boy" (especially the alliteration) but you've been constrained into clichés by your desire to rhyme.
pre-Chorus
he had potential
(that boy couldn’t miss)
he could have turned out
(so much better than this)
instead, he let pride control
and would not let go-o-woah-woah Hehe, I like it. This could be really fun to sing with dual vocals.
Chorus
just give in and crumble under
the pier pressure
of the world's pleasure
just commit this simple blunder
you'll be burnt out
and six feet under You misspelled peer in the second line, which would actually be a cool image (a pier or dock crumbling) if you had stuck with it. But it was probably unintentional. You're flying from image to image in this chorus. It would be stronger if you stuck with one image (I would suggest "burnt out") and expanded on it.

there is another whole verse to that song, for it is a song... music, guitar and everything... but I lost it... I only have the part I memorized... sry... i'll post it when i remember... Carry a notebook wherever you go and write everything down. Everything. You might already do that, but if you don't, please do so. You'll save yourself a world of aggravation.
Answer:
Thanks Skeeter for all your input! i guess that i can try and justify my style to you by saying that i think that poetry should be simplistic and readily understandable... although i agree that clichés do get annoying when overused... being a product of pop-culture myself, much to my chagrin, i realize originality is not my forte. and i fall prey to "never ending clichés" at least that's why i almost flunked out of my Eng Comp 2 class... i tell ya what, i'll work on some of it... in the form of a free writing session... and get back to ya. i really do appreciate your input.
Answer:
this is a all right song i wrote today... pls RC till the cows come home.
Toxic seed
Verse 1
all my thoughts lead tword the things
i've done that cause me shame
the creature that my past was
is all that i distain
PreC:
remembering
the toxic seed
and even though
i killed the weed
the rotten life
from which i'm freed
still affects
the new life i lead
Chorus:
if i take a little happiness
to satisfy myself
in the end, you knwo i'm left with less
to give to someone else
and the persuit of personal purity
seems less to those who take
of this world's security
and they grow up false and fake
Verse 2
all of my former failings
i have shuned and given up
they still persue me daily
to stain my untainted cup
PreC:
Chorus:
Breakdown:
so i'll take my past
and i'll break its chance
to follow/ and make me/ hollow
bury it/ alive
cover it/ inside
deep in me/ so i'm not/ empty
Chorus:
if i take a little happiness
to satisfy myself
in the end, you knwo i'm left with less
to give to someone else
Answer:
Originally Posted by DAZZL this is a all right song i wrote today... pls RC till the cows come home. I don't have any cows...so this might be a long RC.
Toxic seed
Verse 1
all my thoughts lead tword the things
i've done that cause me shame
the creature that my past was
is all that i distain Not bad. This would be quite good, but the last line is a little awkward. It looks like you had the word you wanted to rhyme with and then rearranged it so it would end up in the right place. A more natural way of saying that line is "I disdain the creature of my past" or something like that. If you could figure out a way to have disdain at the end of that line without it being so unnatural, it would be an improvement. But not that big a deal really.
PreC:
remembering
the toxic seed
and even though
i killed the weed
the rotten life
from which i'm freed
still affects
the new life i lead Nice! This is quality stuff right here. Good use of rhyming without being forced into words that don't fit. This is really good. The only thing I might change is "I killed the weed." I'd change it to "You killed the weed" putting the emphasis on God's saving work and not your own.
Chorus:
if i take a little happiness
to satisfy myself
in the end, you knwo i'm left with less
to give to someone else
and the persuit of personal purity
seems less to those who take
of this world's security
and they grow up false and fake Not bad. A little awkward in some places, but overall this is good. You avoid clichés well. But where's the hook? There doesn't seem to be any lines that stand out. The all just kind of blend together. Maybe the music would make the difference here.
Verse 2
all of my former failings
i have shuned and given up
they still persue me daily
to stain my untainted cup Good. While I like the last line, it does seem a little long when read. It might not make too much of a difference when sung though.
Breakdown:
so i'll take my past
and i'll break its chance
to follow/ and make me/ hollow
bury it/ alive
cover it/ inside
deep in me/ so i'm not/ empty Not bad. Nothing really stands out like the pre-Chorus did. I'd rather see you expand on the "toxic seed" idea.
Chorus:
if i take a little happiness
to satisfy myself
in the end, you knwo i'm left with less
to give to someone else Good way to end.
This is an improvement over your previous work. It still has some filler though. If you can make every part of the song as high-quality as the pre-Chorus, you've got an awesome song. As it is, it's merely good. Nothing overtly wrong with it, but it's not as good as it could be.
Answer:
I like the way you write. It's so....conversational. Like you can just walk up to somebody and use your lyrics to express how you feel. That's a good way to create a feeling of warmth and trust through your lyrics. I also liked how you used symbolism mixed in with it. That added variety to it all.
I only have one suggestion...it appears that you are using the same basic layout for all of your songs (v,pc,c,v,pc,c,b,pc,c,c). Don't be afraid to stray from that. I'm not saying that you can't use that layout, it just doesn't add as much variety in it. Just a suggestion. Overall, I liked them!
Answer:
Originally Posted by simple servant I like the way you write. It's so....conversational. Like you can just walk up to somebody and use your lyrics to express how you feel. That's a good way to create a feeling of warmth and trust through your lyrics. I also liked how you used symbolism mixed in with it. That added variety to it all.
Thanks for the encouragement! i am glad somebody appreciates how i try to write!!! i really try not to sound too "above the average." i dont like songs that seem stuck up... but if a song is so simple that it doesnt have a purpose, then its just as poor.
I only have one suggestion...it appears that you are using the same basic layout for all of your songs (v,pc,c,v,pc,c,b,pc,c,c). Don't be afraid to stray from that. I'm not saying that you can't use that layout, it just doesn't add as much variety in it. Just a suggestion. Overall, I liked them!
Thanks again. i guess i didnt realize i write in a pattern... now that u mention it, i guess most of my rhyming schemes are pretty basic too... thanks for your help!
Answer:
Skeeter said: I'd rather see you expand on the "toxic seed" idea. I really like that idea. i have a good idea. i dont like it that much... i've had this idea for the bridge for a while not that good. it needs some work, i'll [bracket] the lines i dont like.
New Breakdown...
Every Christian has a traitor in the castle
Who tries to disquise himself as [truely] nothing special
He'll watch you fight the devil/ applauding when you win
knowing you'll drop your guard/ [and when you turn your back on him]
The chameleon shows his true colors [and proves he loves his brother]
By dropping the drawbridge and letting satan back in, again
That's all folkes... RC please