Question:
[untitled]
I set my watch to an atomic clock
So I'd be fashionably late
As I enter I spill my drink
And become everything you hate
My love, it's the same old me
Whatever's wrong I just don't see
The night is young, but cannot go on
The party just started and I'm headed home
You can drink yourself to sleep, you'll forget it tomorrow
Can you compensate for my time you borrowed?
I take all side-streets home
Since it's the longest route
I danced in circles just for you
Thought you'd never figure out
That love, it's the same old me
I just don't get whatever you see
The night is young, but cannot go on
The party just started, and I'm headed home
Lose yourself in liquor, you'll feel it tomorrow
Can you compensate for my time you borrowed?
So tonight when the wind blows your name
I thought of you, head down in shame
I'll ask you when you're off this high
Whose God is on your side?
---
Just wrote this last night. I need a different word for party... I think it sounds too cliche
Poetry and Prose (Fragments)
The poet stumbles towards the microphone
To recite uneasy verse to an eager crowd
He's been plotting out the death of politics
And they sing;
"Go ahead now, make my day
Terrify me with the words you say
Watered-down politics win party favors
The politic graces the microphone
To recite his pompous prose the crowd
He's been plotting out the death of art
---
I don't know if I'll keep this one or not. It's not too original.
Tip-Toe Time
Tip-Toe Time, half past nine
Don't go home right now, I'll keep you safe right now
The city's asleep, under lock and key
Don't go home right now, stay with me right now
Half asleep in a crowded room
How'd I fall into this dream?
I don't know how I'll forget this
But I know I won't forget you
Tip-toe time, under city lights
Don't go home right now, don't forget me now
The cemetary's closed, above the spirits float
Don't be frightened now, I'll hold you close right now
---
I have music for it, so the awkward syllables do work. There's not much I'm thinking of changing, I like it the way it is, but I'd still like feedback.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mattlock [untitled]
I set my watch to an atomic clock
So I'd be fashionably late
As I enter I spill my drink
And become everything you hate Excellent. I love this first bit.
My love, it's the same old me
Whatever's wrong I just don't see This is awkwardly phrased and could use some editing and refining.
The night is young, but cannot go on
The party just started and I'm headed home
You can drink yourself to sleep, you'll forget it tomorrow
Can you compensate for my time you borrowed? The final two lines take away from the momentum of the first two. The fourth one especially feels gangly and awkward.
I take all side-streets home
Since it's the longest route
I danced in circles just for you
Thought you'd never figure out Another excellent verse. It's nicely original.
That love, it's the same old me
I just don't get whatever you see This is cliche and fairly weak. I don't know how you can get around it, really, but this part is being a weak link in the song, in my mind.
So tonight when the wind blows your name
I thought of you, head down in shame
I'll ask you when you're off this high
Whose God is on your side? The last couple of lines seem to take the meaning of the song off in a different direction than it had been heading, which isn't necessarily bad, but it is kind of incongruent and startling.
Overall it's a great song that abides very well by the lyrical principles you mentioned in your blog for the new band.
Just wrote this last night. I need a different word for party... I think it sounds too cliche That isn't actually the part of the chorus I have a problem with.
The poet stumbles towards the microphone
To recite uneasy verse to an eager crowd
He's been plotting out the death of politics It's a good start, at the very least. Poetic (ironically) and to the point.
And they sing;
"Go ahead now, make my day
Terrify me with the words you say
Watered-down politics win party favors I'm not feeling any good rhythm here, and "terrify me with the words you say" seems stilted and cliche.
The politic graces the microphone
To recite his pompous prose the crowd
He's been plotting out the death of art A nice contrast with a few artful adjectives. Nicely done.
Tip-Toe Time, half past nine
Don't go home right now, I'll keep you safe right now
The city's asleep, under lock and key
Don't go home right now, stay with me right now I don't mean to be nitpicky, but in what city in the world does half-past nine qualify as the time when the city is asleep?
There's also a lot of repetitious language.
Half asleep in a crowded room
How'd I fall into this dream?
I don't know how I'll forget this
But I know I won't forget you It's not bad. It's not spiffing either. It's mundane.
Tip-toe time, under city lights
Don't go home right now, don't forget me now
The cemetary's closed, above the spirits float
Don't be frightened now, I'll hold you close right now "Above the spirits float" makes me squirm because I really hate that phrasing style.
I have music for it, so the awkward syllables do work. There's not much I'm thinking of changing, I like it the way it is, but I'd still like feedback. Eh. I might change a bit around to make it still fit with the music. None of it's bad, but I wouldn't call it your very best, either. The untitled song was impressive, and Poets and Politics wasn't far off. Tip-Toe Time is fun, but weak around the edges.