Question:
A new song that's been gestating for a couple weeks now.
Two Pink Lines for Valentine's
The mandibles of cannibals are masticating me
My emancipation is waiting patiently
I'll wait until I'm spit out after three days underground
And then I won't let myself be found
[chorus]
Two pink lines for valentine's
I'll look at the results a thousand times
Oh no, it can't be true, how can this happen to me?
Two pink lines for valentine's
The politics of plutocrats are patronizing me
My plagiarizing penpal has nothing left to say
His pugilistic penmanship has pushed me far from home
It's better if I'm left here all alone
[chorus]
["solo"]
The designs of divinity are captivating me
I'm running out of plausible deniability
I'll repeat the Magnificat and wonder at the way
I find my fears have flown far away
[chorus]
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter The mandibles of cannibals are masticating me
My emancipation is waiting patiently
I'll wait until I'm spit out after three days underground
And then I won't let myself be found I love it, except for the last line. It seems abrupt and out of rhythm.
Two pink lines for valentine's
I'll look at the results a thousand times
Oh no, it can't be true, how can this happen to me?
Two pink lines for valentine's Something about the third line is irritating me--other than "Two pink lines for Valentines" which is great, nothing here is very original at all.
The politics of plutocrats are patronizing me
My plagiarizing penpal has nothing left to say
His pugilistic penmanship has pushed me far from home
It's better if I'm left here all alone I almost get the feeling that some of this was overemphasis on the wordplay element of this song, rather than the song itself. The first line of this verse, for instance, has seemingly nothing to do with the others. This is, I admit, still my favorite part of the song.
The designs of divinity are captivating me
I'm running out of plausible deniability
I'll repeat the Magnificat and wonder at the way
I find my fears have flown far away This is nice stuff, but it doesn't really catch my attention. The last two lines, especially, would be boring, if not for the Magnificat reference, and aren't far from, even including it.
I like it. I think it has a lot of potential. This sort of song is always fun to hear, and always a lot more fun to write.