Question:
Okay, so here's one I wrote off of the top of my head. Screamo/hardcore. The italicized ALL CAPS are screamed.
Verse 1
I saw your picture once more, today
And I saw a picture once more in my head
I remembered...all the time I had forgot
And I said "One...more...day..."
Chorus
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE IT HAPPENED
Still seems like a nightmare
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOST YOU
Why? WHY?
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S TOO LATE
If I could say one last word to you
STILL SEEMS LIKE A NIGHTMARE
[Instrumental]
Verse 2
I still see your picture, once more, in my head
Why do I see your picture, once more, in my head?
WHY? Why do the memories live to haunt?
WHY? Why did I lose what I loved most?
Bridge
LIKE THE CUTTING EDGE INSIDE ME
CUTTING MY HEART TO PIECES
WITH THE MEMORIES OF PAIN AND DEATH
THE MEMORIES OF SO MUCH PAIN AND DEATH
Chorus 2x, second time acoustic
Answer:
Offhand, it's very cliched. If you want this song to stick out at all, you'll have to use the music to do it.
One other quibble, "I had forgot" should actually be "I had forgotten."
Answer:
Yeah, I know it does sound like cliched guy-got-dumped, but it's not, at least not in context. Any thoughts on how to intensify it, make it more of a severe feel of loss? Because this is like lost to death loss.
And about that line...I did it that way on purpose. For rhythm.
Answer:
Okay, I took this one and reworked it a bit, have a look at it.
Verse 1
I looked into a shattered mirror today
And saw the shattered pieces of my life
I saw the life that put me all together
That shattered when it died
Chorus
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE IT HAPPENED
Still seems like a nightmare
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I LOST YOU
Shattered to pieces
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S TOO LATE
If I could say one last word
STILL SEEMS LIKE A NIGHTMARE
Of my shattered life
[Instrumental]
Verse 2
And the shattered mirror inside my heart is fading
The mirror where I once saw a smiling face
WHY? Why do the memories live to haunt?
WHY? Why did I lose what I loved most?
Fading, fading, FADING
Bridge
LIKE THE CUTTING EDGE INSIDE OF ME
CUTTING MY HEART TO PIECES
LIKE THE CUTTING EDGE INSIDE OF ME
CUTTING THE PICTURE TO PIECES
LIKE THE CUTTING EDGE INSIDE OF ME
AS I REST IN PIECES
Chorus