Question:
Characterization
(verse 1)
Dear absolute, where di you go?
Tell me the truth, am I alone?
Or is this me, a faithless wretch
Broken of my confidence?
Reliable, why did you leave?
Did you know you'd shatter me?
Everything replaced by scars
Stripped even of midnight's stars
(chorus)
This is all, this is me without you
I'm so lost, this is me without you
Take me back, you know I didn't mean to
This is all, this is me without you
(verse 2)
Dear broken trust, just go away
It can't be right to feel this way
Stop hurting me, this isn't right
Who's to blame, me or the fight?
Dear hopefullness, I'm holding on
There's not much left, I'm almost gone
But I'm still here, I'm still alive
And God will let me cry
A bridge might be in the works, but I don't know if it needs one or not. Let me know what you think
Mara
*edit* here's a link to the recording
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mara Dear absolute, where did you go?
Tell me the truth, am I alone?
Or is this me, a faithless wretch
Broken of my confidence?
Reliable, why did you leave?
Did you know you'd shatter me?
Everything replaced by scars
Stripped even of midnight's stars I like the first two lines especially, they work wonderfully together, but 'wretch' seems a little bit out of place, and also, wretch/confidence'll make you say 'confidence' funny, but I suppose music would account for that.
The next-to-last line is a little bit generic, and one the final line, I'd suggest dropping the ('s) and just saying "Stripped of even midnight stars"
But that's totally subjective and might even be stupid.
This is all, this is me without you
I'm so lost, this is me without you
Take me back, you know I didn't mean to
This is all, this is me without you I like this, it's good stuff. Not amazing, but it does its job well, plus it explains where you're coming from a little bit more.
Dear broken trust, just go away
It can't be right to feel this way
Stop hurting me, this isn't right
Who's to blame, me or the fight?
Dear hopefullness, I'm holding on
There's not much left, I'm almost gone
But I'm still here, I'm still alive
And God will let me cry In the third and fourth line, I'd consider taking out a 'right' the rhyme on the first two lines is a tad cliche, but it's almost impossible not to be, so I think you're okay there.
Insofar as overall, I like the song; it's not amazing, but it's good enough that most of my criticism is just little, nit-picky things. I do like the 'dear' structure, it gives the whole composition a common theme to build around.
Basically, my only real comment is that it's a little bit cliched.
And now I will try to listen to the recording, again. I hope it works. Keep writing, and recording.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mara Characterization The recording is great, low-quality though it may be. Sounds very nice.
(verse 1)
Dear absolute, where di you go?
Tell me the truth, am I alone? I really like these first two lines. The first line is an excellent intro to the song.
Or is this me, a faithless wretch
Broken of my confidence? These lines aren't quite as strong, though they're certainly not bad. "Faithless wretch" is just a bit of a mouthful to say.
Reliable, why did you leave?
Did you know you'd shatter me? Simple, nothing new, but it gets the point across. I think these lines are necessary and work well with the rest of the song.
Everything replaced by scars
Stripped even of midnight's stars The last line is a completely different image and it feels like it should be delved into more. As it is, it's a bit of a throwaway line. It sounds like it could lead to more (something about how even in the darkest times you normally have some source of light, but not in this time), but it's not really given its moment to shine.
(chorus)
This is all, this is me without you
I'm so lost, this is me without you
Take me back, you know I didn't mean to
This is all, this is me without you Meh. This chorus just doesn't do it for me lyrically. Musically you have a nice little melody running through here, which carries it on nicely, but the lyrics aren't anything interesting or new.
(verse 2)
Dear broken trust, just go away
It can't be right to feel this way First line is a good, I like how it starts with "dear" again, but the second line is a bit cliché.
Stop hurting me, this isn't right
Who's to blame, me or the fight? Bit of a cliché rhyme and I'm not sure I like the repeat of "right" from the previous line. This could be stronger.
Dear hopefullness, I'm holding on
There's not much left, I'm almost gone Nice first line here, but the second line isn't as strong again.
But I'm still here, I'm still alive
And God will let me cry Alright, not bad at all. Still a bit cliché. Ultimately this second verse isn't as strong as the first, which is very common in songwriting: the initial inspiration usually gets wrapped up in the first verse. I think with a bit of rewriting you could have a really good song, especially with the driving melody you have going with it. A bridge would be a nice touch, but it's not necessary. Maybe a third verse?
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I like how Skeeterdan signed his post "Mara".
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Whoops, forgot to remove the rest of the quote. That's embarassing.
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I thought maybe you were overcome with awe at the Maraness.
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Hahaha
Thanks for the critiques, guys. Skeeter, I like what you said about the "stripped even of midnight's stars" line. Perhaps a bridge or something will come from that. I do need to do a little re-writing. I will try to get that done soon. Thanks again!
Answer:
No problem. I do my best to help.