Question:
I've written a couple songs lately. This is one of them. It's pretty much complete musically and such, but the lyrics are still a bit nebulous. Here's what I've got. Any and all critique will be received with thanksgiving.
A Bad Day for the End of the World
When the stars leave their posts and tear open the sky
Leaving darkness so deep it becomes like a mirror
Will you stare with me like a dare to the dark
To swallow us whole if our souls miss the mark?
And as the mountains rage and the oceans boil
We'll plant all our sins in a half-inch of soil
If the blood in our veins turns to wine
We'll walk hand-in-hand across the line
If we have been grafted in the vine
We'll break your body, drink your wine
When the trumpet sounds this one last time
We'll tip back our cups then leave them behind
When all the world has returned to dust
And formlessness what will become of us
Spirits interweave on the great loom
Making a fine robe for the city to wear
On its way up to the citadel
Oh! mount of Zion, please welcome us in
We're coming to you now
We're coming to you now
We're coming to you now
We're coming to you now
We're coming to you now
We're coming to you now
We're coming to you now
We're coming to you now
[chorus]
All that remains is faith!
All that remains is hope!
All that remains is love!
And the greatest of these is love!
We paid no attention to the herald's voice
But we fell to our knees when we had no choice
The trees are skeletons, stripped of their skin
Baring all to the sky, begging for the end
I'll hold your eyes in mine until they're stolen away
By a thief in the night, by the sun in the day
If the blood in our veins turns to wine
We'll walk hand-in-hand across the line
If we have been grafted in the vine
We'll break your body, drink your wine
We stand naked and cold beneath a starless sky
As the dragons devour everything nearby
Now there's nothing left of nothingness
And nothing could matter any more or less
[chorus]
[bridge]
Light a single candle
Maintain a night vigil
We'll wait for you until we run out of wax and string
(repeat)
We'll wait for you but now we find that we're flickering
[chorus]
[tag]
This is a bad day for the end of the world...
Answer:
hey. i just have one thought.... in the chorus, i think you should make love the first statement. then come back to emphasize on love at the end of it again.
Answer:
The only problem with that is that it doesn't fit with the scripture I'm referencing.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter I've written a couple songs lately. This is one of them. It's pretty much complete musically and such, but the lyrics are still a bit nebulous. Here's what I've got. Any and all critique will be received with thanksgiving. Right-ho.
When the stars leave their posts and tear open the sky
Leaving darkness so deep it becomes like a mirror
Will you stare with me like a dare to the dark
To swallow us whole if our souls miss the mark?
And as the mountains rage and the oceans boil
We'll plant all our sins in a half-inch of soil
If the blood in our veins turns to wine
We'll walk hand-in-hand across the line
If we have been grafted in the vine
We'll break your body, drink your wine
When the trumpet sounds this one last time
We'll tip back our cups then leave them behind
When all the world has returned to dust
And formlessness what will become of us I like it. The imagery is strong, and in general, it's pretty tightly written. The repeat of "Wine" is a little bit worrisome, and the fact that every line rhymes except the second one is odd. The first line is killer, in a good way.
Spirits interweave on the great loom
Making a fine robe for the city to wear
On its way up to the citadel
Oh! mount of Zion, please welcome us in
We're coming to you now
We're coming to you now
We're coming to you now
We're coming to you now
We're coming to you now
We're coming to you now
We're coming to you now
We're coming to you now The first four lines are great, but I'm not sure about "We're coming to you now" something about it seems slightly 'off', and I can't entirely place my finger on what it is, so I really wouldn't worry about it.
All that remains is faith!
All that remains is hope!
All that remains is love!
And the greatest of these is love! I have to disagree with musicianist, here, I like the way it's set up, both for the biblical reference, and also the development. I think the repetition creates as much emphasis as it would were the lines re-arranged.

We paid no attention to the herald's voice
But we fell to our knees when we had no choice
The trees are skeletons, stripped of their skin
Baring all to the sky, begging for the end
I'll hold your eyes in mine until they're stolen away
By a thief in the night, by the sun in the day
If the blood in our veins turns to wine
We'll walk hand-in-hand across the line
If we have been grafted in the vine
We'll break your body, drink your wine
We stand naked and cold beneath a starless sky
As the dragons devour everything nearby
Now there's nothing left of nothingness
And nothing could matter any more or less Once again, I like it, and this time, nothing stands out at all. It's lovely.
Light a single candle
Maintain a night vigil
We'll wait for you until we run out of wax and string
(repeat)
We'll wait for you but now we find that we're flickering I don't know how it works with the melody, but I'm finding 'now' to be uneccesary. Other than that, this is excellent.
This is a bad day for the end of the world... A great ending.
Overall, I love it. I have no real criticism. If I read these lyrics in liner notes, I'd probably be overawed.
Answer:
Yay! Small likes it!
'We're coming to you now" depends largely on the music. I don't really have an excuse for why the second line doesn't rhyme, other than that that initial couplet is what led to the rest of the song and I'm loathe to change it as I love the line.
Answer:
"We're coming to you now" reminds me of David Crowder Band's lyrics "We're coming toward you now." I don't know if that's what you were thinking of, Small, but that what I think of. I'm sure once I hear it with the music that I will not think of DCB but instead I will think "ROCK AND ROLL!!!"
Answer:
I need to record an acoustic demo of this one to give all of you an idea what it sounds like, but my voice is pretty rough right now on account of being sick. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.
It has some Brand New-esque palm muting in the verses and some Ghoti Hook-esque rock and roll leading into the chorus. The bridge melody follows the guitar as it moves around a pentatonic minor scale. The tag at the end has a wonderfully happy sounding chord progression. It finishes off with some dancey strumming that makes me think of The Februarys' "Charismatica."
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter Yay! Small likes it! Hey, I almost always like your songs, but you're part of an elite group on whose songs I use a fine-tooth comb.
'We're coming to you now" depends largely on the music. I don't really have an excuse for why the second line doesn't rhyme, other than that that initial couplet is what led to the rest of the song and I'm loathe to change it as I love the line. I suppose you could even frame it as accenting those first two lines--the lack of rhyming directs the listener's attention more to them and what you mean by the opening couplet.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter The only problem with that is that it doesn't fit with the scripture I'm referencing.
well now that i know that, dont change it! i still think its a good, song. not my style, but a good song. the change was just a suggestion.